Today I am thankful for lines.
I'm thankful I see them.
I'm not sure if I dare cross them.
I'm not talking about my life anymore for fear of ensnaring a friend further into my world. It's a mess. It's not turning out the way I thought it would.
It's enough to make me want to run away.
I keep asking myself, "why?"
Then I ask myself, "why not?"
Well, the last time I let a best friend kiss me
I married him and became his surrogate mother.
The guy before that was my best friend in high school.
I lost him.
Well, not really.
He comes back every once in a blue moon to get covertly hypnotized to go out and date.
But he's no longer a real friend because my presence seems to hurt him.
I swear he cries when he calls me. He hugs me too tight. He freaks out when I take a little too long in the bathroom and my being overweight turns him off.
So....
I don't know.
I didn't have to approach my friend about my feelings. We're both empaths, so we both intuitively knew.
When I avoided responding to his declaration of love, he knew.
When he asked me if he misjudged our connection, he knew he hadn't.
I just can't risk hurting another human being.
I'm alone but I'm living with a man who used to be my partner.
It's lonely.
I want a partner but my life is a mess.
What the heck do I do?
I don't want to make my friend a rebound.
Of all the people in the world, the person being presented to me is the very last person that I want to ever risk hurting.
I've been so secretive of late, he'll probably never trust me. I know if he knew what was going on, he'd try to rescue me. I can't tell him.
I can't.
Really....
I've got to stop treading water in the deep end of the pool first.
Darn...
I started praying to my goddesses asking that he find his true love. When that didn't work, I started praying to his God.
Lo' and behold, he's still here.
Every time I pray he finds his true love, we end up chatting. Every Friday, during my prayers to Aphrodite....he writes me some beautiful sonnet of love or shares a modern mix tape of his containing songs about confused, horny men. Some of his communications get rather interesting.
What the heck is going on?
One would think that if it were truly meant to be, my life would have a clear sense of direction immediately. I'd have a good shrink and fix my crap before it touches anyone I care about.
Maybe that should be the prayer.
I need to fix my life.
It'll work out.
It has to.
He'll find the place he needs to be. So will I. It will all end well.
It has to.
Love ya,
S.