Spiritual Guru

 

Today I am thankful for my spiritual guru.  

My Shaman wants to know whether or not I opened up to my friend yet.  

NO...I have not.  

I can't hurt him.  

Every time I visit with him, I realize that he is just like me in many ways. 

We have similar spirituality. 

We want to teach people to be free.  

We are both incredibly introverted and have trouble in crowds.  

We are introverted -but brave.  If there is something that needs to be said, we say it! 

The main difference is that he sees the world in a rational manner; I see it in a experiential manner.   He's quantitative. I'm qualitative.  

In that way, we are like two halves of a whole.  

It just seems too perfect.   The more I learn, the more I understand why my heart chose him.  I just met him at the wrong time.  Or, maybe, I just realized I loved him at the wrong time.  

I let my ex come back into the house with the promise he'd help me divorce without a big fight.  I shouldn't have done that.  If I had forced him to stay out, this would be over by now and my heart could be free.
 

The issue is a bizarre one.  I am protective of my friends.  I'm a mess.  I can't hurt my friends with my mess. 

I lack courage.  

My friend and I both lack trust.
Trust has to be built. 
We're introverts, trust takes a while. 

Until I get this settled, I wouldn't trust me.  It's not that I'd lie.  It's that someone is lying to me.  I don't know what is going on.  Until I get control of everything, my word is useless.   

I justified staying here.  I think it cost me something wonderful.  That's okay.  I'll have to live and learn from my mistake.  I just don't see how it is going to work out with my friend and I, we are both far too introverted.  I'm a stupid mess.  

I'm trying to fix myself.  I'm having trouble finding a professional who understands.  I'm not co-dependent.  I don't trust the court system.  I want an agreement before I go before a judge.  

I've discovered that I really hate traditional therapists.  I feel insane when I talk to therapists about my six year celibacy streak.  They wonder why I put up with that and haven't cheated.   It's weirder when I tell them that we've slept apart for over thirteen years. 

I made a promise to be faithful.  I keep my promises.  Up until two weeks ago, I thought he wanted to divorce.  Now, it's he wants me back.  He doesn't.  Then he does.  Then he doesn't.  

I'm confused.  

The last shrink claimed that I had dependent personality disorder.  NO, I don't.  If I had that, I wouldn't have volunteered for the DA, started a business, published articles, ran for office, started an activist group, and all those other things I did without HIM!  

The bigger the diagnosis, the more money they get.  That shrink was weird.   I only saw her once.  She was in mid-twenties.   She didn't want to be my therapist because I didn't have a credit card she could have on file.  She disclosed that her mother had been murdered by her father.  She told me that anyone stalked for twenty-one years needed medication.  She wanted to know why married women had lunch with men.  Well, sweetie, if you're a political activist and you want to get something done - sooner or later, you're going to have lunch with a male politician. 

She was incredibly weird until she asked about my education.  When I divulged that I had the same degree she had, she became much nicer.  I didn't report her to the State Licensing Board.  I should have.  She's not a doctor, she can't prescribe psychiatric meds. 

My family doc warned me about seeing young therapists on my insurance plan.  He told me that all the good ones do not take insurance. 

I do not accept insurance either. 

My doc says its PTSD.  I buy that.  A little EMDR, and I'll be good as new.

I do need to get out of the line of fire first.  The moment I file, the stalking will get worse.  Every time I take a step forward, one of his relatives is in my face pushing me back.  

I fear that the most.  I'm realizing that I need to get my vehicle working better before I file.  I don't want to stall in the middle of nowhere with crazy in-laws stalking me.  My car stalled tonight on my way home from a political event.  It scared me.

I think it is stalling because I'm using the cheap petrol.  I may be able to fix it on my own. 

With my ex, I lack trust.  I fear him.  I fear his family.  I fear depending on him for anything.  The loneliness burns my heart in ways I can't understand.  

I called the lawyer and asked him to fax the divorce paperwork this morning.  The fax never came.   Is that an omen?  Maybe I just need to be a little more patient.  

I don't understand why I feel guilty for wanting to protect myself.  I didn't break any vows.  He did.  

I so desperately want to believe that the NPD is a misdiagnosis.  It's not.  I mean, he is textbook.  He is the only person that counts.  He walks away if I talk about my feelings, needs, wants, desires, goals or plans.  If I go ahead and do things, he'll sabotage me in crazy ways.  He owns me.  

The sexless marriage stuff, that's not uncommon.  I was floored when I saw that in the case histories.  Stalking is common, too.  

He tells me that he doesn't feel anything except shame and guilt.  He's even told me that if things don't go the way he wants them to go, he'll fly into a rage.  I spent my 40th birthday hiding in my mini-van.  It was cold.  I was freezing but I did not want to go home.  He was angry because the day hadn't gone the way he planned it in his head.  I realized on that day, I truly needed to leave.  

I still do his laundry.  I still cook his meals; I do not eat the meals though.  It's hard to share food with him.  He doesn't feel like family.  I feel more like a servant.  It's hard to explain.  

I'm feeling my eating disorder coming back.  I was anorexic as a teenager and I think the burning in my stomach feels better than the pain in my heart.  My Cherokee step-father once said that when the soul needs cleansed, people should fast.  As a kid, our family members would fast the first Sunday of every month as spiritual cleansing ritual.  I think that is the origin of my eating disorder.  

My first flare up happened when my mom, my grandmother, my aunt, my step-father, and my natural father died within a span off three years.  It happened again when I was raped and beaten with a hammer.  This is my third bout.  

This time, I need to lose 28 pounds, so it's not so bad.  I do the protein powder thing my old flame taught me; it keeps the chest pains at bay.  I learned that if I mix one TBLS of sugar-free pudding in a spoonful of protein powder, it doesn't make me gag.  I'm probably much healthier doing this.  

I'm feeling incredibly depressed.  

I tell myself that I am too ugly, too old, too anxious, and too broken for love.  The men flirting with me online drive me insane.  I hate it when they comment on my appearance, if they knew what I really looked like and what I really acted like, they'd run off.

Besides, I'm not interested in them.  I want someone who can help me make a difference in the world.  I want someone honest and real.  If I just get myself to a point where I was good enough and not so messed up, I could accept love in my life.  Right now, I am terrified of acting like my ex.  He hurt me.  I don't want to hurt anyone I love.

I can't bear to log in to Facebook anymore.   I'm spending my time hanging out business people and political activists.

I really miss my job.  I miss my friend.

Tomorrow I have a couple of seminars, hopefully I'll find a way of making money.

I wish you all love.  Don't run away from it, like I do.  My problem is that I always fall in love with friends.  I can't hurt my friends.  This is why I'm alone.

I realized the reason I stayed here so long.  I did it so I wouldn't date and risk getting hurt again.  Meeting my friend was an accident.  It was a happy one.  I honestly thought he was someone else.  I didn't run off.  For me to spend time with someone, he'd have to be pretty darn special.

I'm hoping other women see the same things I do in my friend.  There is no point in both of us being alone.  I think him finding someone else would free me of my guilt about screwing up and ignoring my heart.  I'm not sure if I'm being selfish when I think that.  I truly am confused.

I'm off to cry in my bed again.  I have no clue what is going to happen.

Love ya,

S.