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Pain



I'm not sure I'm thankful for pain. 

Today is horrible. 

I feel like I've been punched in the abdomen.  I can barely walk. 

My right shoulder hurts.  My chest hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My right leg is throbbing.  I can't breathe.  I'm shaking.  I have chills. 

I did visit my weight loss doc today, my blood pressure was normal.  My heart palpitations were non-existent. 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. 

It was very hard not to cry today.

I finally have enough money to file for a divorce now.  I received the last dollar I needed yesterday.  If Mike honors the agreement he typed up for me, I can pay for the entire thing. 

I tried to get to the lawyer's office to pay but didn't make it in time. 

I'm afraid Mike will spend that money.

Do you now why? 

He's begging me to stay.  He's being too nice.  He's doing the dishes and offering to help around the house.

We still sleep apart.  I really don't ever see that changing.

I don't even remember how to kiss. 

I feel so damn ugly. 

I've spent the past six years without a partner and thirteen years without emotional intimacy and dealing with chronic rage and abandonment episodes.  When his mother acted out, the man literally walked out on me. 

The NPD diagnosis explains a lot.  I'm still having trouble believing that the man I've spent my entire adult life with has no empathy.  For 21 years, my life has been a lie.  The romance was an act.  He was stealing my money and it wasn't due to oversights like he claimed it was.  He was purposely manipulating my life choices.  When we were dating, he had members of his family call my landlord to get me evicted so I would consider moving in with him.  He had people offer to give me references and then they would gossip about me so I couldn't rent elsewhere.  That was the beginning of the mess.  I'm tired.  There are so many lies, I don't think I could ever sort through them.

The things I am learning hurt me very deeply. 

That hurts deeply. 

I should move on for my sanity.  My hair had no gray in it the last time I slept with someone.  I am lucky, my hair isn't turning gray.  It is turning platinum blond, just like my grandmother's hair.   She had the softest, most beautiful hair.  I am lucky.  I may just let it go blond. 

You know, six years is a long time to be alone.  It is a long time to be told that we are exes but have to wait to divorce.  There is always something I'm supposed to wait for; a lawsuit to end, a campaign to end, a new job, some one's graduation, home repairs...the excuse to stay never ends. 

I am in pain. 

Mike is oblivious to the concept of women needing intimacy.  He says we should stay married.  I try to explain that women need more than a piece of paper.  I don't think he understands that. 

Why do men do that?  Why do they say they want to stay married because someday they may be interested in a relationship?

So, how do I work the getting out of the house thing?  If we can't come to an agreement, does he win?  I'm confused.  He expects me to stay for the kids.  He won't leave. 

Damn... If I get a restraining order, they'll be hell to pay.  I need to play nice. 

I have someone I'm interested in now but I think its too late.  I'm thinking about hiding from him, maybe if I hide away, it will be easy for us to let go of our friendship. 

It is foreign for me to actually talk to someone who looks at me or someone who gives a shit about what I think.  I am certainly not used to anyone caring about my feelings. 

When he asked me how I felt, I didn't know how to respond to that.  In the past, my feelings were either ignored or used as fuel for a rage attack. 

I'm not so sure that ignoring my feelings is going to work.  I'm getting the sense that love doesn't work that way.  By that I mean, I'm not sure it goes away when you try to avoid it. 

If I were the one for him, this would be easier.  Everything necessary would fall into place, wouldn't it?

Maybe it is. 

All I need now is a job.   

I'm in so much pain. 

I try to hide the tears but it isn't working at all. 

I'm going to try to fall asleep. 

On the bright side, I lost 12 pounds. 

I'm getting there. 

My chest is pounding and my shoulder is throbbing and with each throb I find that I cannot breathe.  I think I'd better go lie down. 

Love ya,

S. 

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