Love

Today I am thankful for love, even though I don't have a clue what to do with it.

I love someone.

What do I do with it?

I wish I could be completely honest, open, and tell him what is going on.   He knows something is bugging me.  I'm pretty sure he's figured out what happened because he'll send me links to songs which hint at wondering where a woman sleeps at night. 

I sleep alone as I have for over six years.  I go to a house where I cohabit with my ex.  He lives in the basement.  I live on the third floor.  When I think I can move out, he'll want to move out and leave the kids alone.  When I think I should stay for the kids, he'll want to stay.  I need a judge to help me see what to do. 

He likes to leave me when his family says stupid crap about me.  Next time, I'm changing the locks.

I screwed up.  I let my ex come back.  It's not sexual.  It was supposed to be in friendship and I got screwed over.  My ex is taking baby steps.  He recently said that he wants me to stay with him because someday he'll want a sexual relationship with me.

Someday?

Oh, I'll never do this again. 

My friend knows.  I didn't tell him.  He just knows.  I didn't think he loved me, so I didn't worry.  It took a lot of drugs and alcohol to stifle this stupid thing beating in my chest.  My heart knew better.  I had moments of worry about my friend.  I thought I was delusional.  No one could possibly love me.  I ignored my intuition.  

My friend wanted to claim me as his own but fears overextending his claim. 

He doesn't understand me. 

I do not belong to any man. 

I never will. 

I am faithful to a fault, which is why this guy could stay here despite the abuses. 

My friend knows about the abuse.  I don't think I said much about it.  When I feared my Facebook account was hacked and he was contacted, I told him.  That's it.  I know he won't hit me, stalk me, or steal from me.  He won't, as he put it, "beat loyalty" into me.

He thinks his needs are the same as my ex's need.  Nope...my ex needs clean laundry and to control another human being.  My ex doesn't need what my friend's body language betrays he needs. 

My needs?  I don't know. 

I need to be understood and accepted.  I need some solitude.  I need peace.  I need to be allowed to smile, to celebrate, and to feel joy without people trying to tear me down for being happy.

I'm so used to being alone that I don't know what I need in a relationship.   My last relationship was not what I thought it would be.  I thought it would be a partnership.  I thought I'd always have someone to hold, to flirt with, to wake up with, to act out all sorts of filthy fantasies with, and to have a future with. 

That didn't happen.  I made him the center of my universe and he betrayed me. 

I don't know what I need anymore. 

I need to take things slow.  I'm probably taking it a little too slow.
 

Things are tricky. 

I have a plan.  It is becoming clearer with each passing day. 

 I have to take it slow. 

I spent last night in tears again. 

I did my ritual to Aphrodite and fell asleep.  Women were not made to sleep alone. 

I do not have a partner.  I haven't had one for a very long time.  I don't understand the expectation to live a life of celibate servitude.  I can't wait until I can get out.  I've been looking forward to that day since 2007.  The legal stuff finally cleared up two weeks ago.  The money was released last week.  

  

It can be done now barring any unforeseen manipulative stuff. 

I'm tired of feeling lonely. 

I hate myself right now. 

Someone I find beautiful offered me everything that I wanted and I turned him away. 

Why? 

Because I do not have money. 

Why do I not have money?

Because I feared a stalker and gave up my business. 

I know why they stalk.  They do it to keep my off center.  They do it to keep me here.   It is done to keep me connected to Michael. 

I finally understand. 

I don't fear Shannon, Doug, or Michael anymore.  They are weak.  They stalk for attention.  I don't know who the ringleader is.  I don't care.  I don't fear them. 

I fear hurting my friend. 

I guess I should come out of hiding. 

I'm not sure we are compatible. 

I think I'm too weird for him, so I am trying to spend time alone and give him space. 

It feels like a broken heart. 

I'm going to have to examine that. 

I didn't want promises or expectations.  I wanted friendship but  maybe that, in and of itself, is an expectation. 

I guess this pain may be good for me on some level. 

I don't know. 

I guess there is a lesson in all of this.  It is to listen to the heart.  It knows things that the mind can't fathom.  My heart felt the connection before my mind could justify it. 

The heart wants what it wants for a reason.  There is someone who expands the way I see the world.  It makes this life experience so much richer and more beautiful. 

I figured this out too late. 

Take hold of what you desire.  If you take too much time, you'll lose the opportunity. 

Love ya,

S.