Phones

Today I am thankful for phones, even though certain men I adore refuse to use them. 

 

 

I should correct that.  A certain man hates the phone.  It's an INTP thing.  My Grandfather, my auntie, and my middle daughter are all INTPs.   They hate to talk on the telephone. 

 

Rather than call me,  he posts memes on Facebook.  I'm not sure they're about me but the last time I thought they were about someone else, they ended up being about me.  

 

This time, I'll assume it's me and pray I don't make an ass out of us. 

 

Today he posted this phrase:

 

"It's okay to feel." 

 

Yeah, I know. 

 

It's also okay to flee. 

 

It's also okay to get your freak on. 

 

It's okay to do whatever the heck you want to do so long as it isn't illegal, immoral, or fattening. 

 

Ah, but I don't know him well enough to know what his morals are. 

 

That's the problem. 

 

I feel. 

 

I feel too much. 

 

I see. 

 

I see too much. 

 

I didn't think that having feelings for someone else would make me cry so much.  It hurt much more when he said he had feelings for me. 

 

I'm confused just as I have always been. 

 

I have an ex for a roommate who wants a divorce but freaks out when I get ready to file.  He wants me to stay here and play mama to him. 

 

That doesn't mix well with wanting a lover.   I really want to remember what certain things feel like, taste like, and smell like.  I forgot. 

I remember electricity, maybe that was my imagination. 

 

So...Mr. Ex and I have to come to an understanding.  He has to sign off on it this time or else I fear he'll keep coming back.  This is what hurts.  

 

I'm realizing the shrink's NPD diagnosis is accurate.  I don't know how I missed it.  It was only today I realized that my ex will never give a shit about what I want.  He wants me to stay, that's what he expects me to do. It is pointless trying to reason with him to make it easy on everyone.  

 

It's going take a restraining order or a new girlfriend to get him to leave me alone. 

 

I'm hoping it'll be a new lover for him.  It's less invasive.

 

***

 

Now, I've done a lot of soul searching. 

 

I'm realizing how the initial attraction existed between my friend and I.  . 

 

He reminds me of my Grandfather!  He's got the same eyes and hair.  He dresses the same.  They have the same personality.  They were both content to sit with their thoughts and the things they reveal are amazing.  

 

My grandparents raised me.  I was born to a couple of drunk artists.  Grandma took me as her own. 

 

I was close to Grandpa as was my daughter.  We are both INFJs.  That must be the INFJ -INTP thing.  Grandpa opened up to us; we knew things about him that no one in the family knew.

 

He played harmonica.

He spoke Latin.

He was fairly progressive. 

He followed the latest trends in entertainment and had a better repertoire of pop music than I did.   I was an aspiring musician and originally majored in music in college.

He was a professional welder and made a lot of little yard decorations out of metal. 

 

In fact, he would see things at the store and come home to figure out how to make them himself.  When plastic squirrel yard decorations were all the rage, he bought one.  He made a mold of out it and went on to create numerous concrete squirrels for everyone he knew. 

 

He once made me my very own rubber ball from the scraps of automotive belts.  It's huge.  I still have it. 

 

He loved Grandma.  She died at noon on Halloween in 1986.  Every Halloween at noon, I tried to be with him as he would sit and stare at his lunch lost in his thoughts. 

 

If I were with him, he'd tell me stories about their life together.  

 

He was orphaned like I was.  His mother died of cancer when he was twelve.  He watched his father die in the line of duty when he was seventeen.  My great-grandfather was run over by a bootlegger trying to escape arrest. 

 

Grandfather always carried two pieces of gold in his coin purse.  He hated the FED.  He talked about the 1933 gold round-up and said that the police came to take every one's gold and he hid those two pieces in his pocket.  He was very proud of that. 

 

The old ladies in the neighborhood would tell me that he'd help them with home repairs and yard work.  I'd hear stories that he'd chase after them at the mall; which isn't as bad as it sounds because they had a senior citizen power walking group every morning. 

 

We were close.  He died in 1998. 

 

Today would be his 100th birthday. 

 

Happy Birthday, Grandpa. 

 

My favorite Grandpa quote came from the day my eldest called him Grandpa for the first time.  He gave her a big 'ol hug and told her not to forget the 'great'. 

 

Yes, he was her great grandfather.  She still got away with calling him grandpa.   He had more than twenty great grandchildren.  He had a shrine to my eldest daughter.  He didn't display pictures of the others. 

 

Those two got along famously. 

 

She still misses him as do I.  I think I've been a little lost since the day he died.  He was my compass.  He forced me to look for the truth in everything and to stay grounded in reality. 

My friend does that for me.  Maybe that is what I really need, a kind-hearted soul that keeps me grounded in reality.

 

***

 

 

Now, I do love my friend very much.  There is something holding me back and it's NOT the ex thing.  That's a problem but that's not what worries me.   I can have that solved in 92 days. 

 

 

I still believe that my energy wears out my friend.  Maybe it is because we meet in loud places.  I get the sense he can't run away from me fast enough.  Maybe it is because he picks up on my body language and it is uncomfortable knowing that we can't do anything. 

 

There is something else.  I've been living with a narcissist for 21 years.  Looking back, I spent the first ten years believing that I WAS the NARCISSIST.  It took four therapists to explain to me that I wasn't a narcissist.  I'm sure that is how this got out of hand.  If I said I wanted something, I was labeled a narcissist, ignored, and yelled at.   I never thought to question that he and his family already had that label. 

 

I don't know if I know how to act in a relationship.  I fear this negativity will never leave me.  It's like a sticky black tar that I don't want to get onto anyone else. 

 

How does one get rid of it?

 

When things settle down, I need to see a therapist or coach that specializes in relationships. 

 

 

I let myself feel.  I feel a lot.  I'm just terrified to share what I feel with another human being. 

 

There is a reason that I am terrified to open up to my friend. 

 

My ex told me that he isolated me due to my sharing my feelings with him when we were "best friends."   I told him things that I didn't like that happened in my past (e.g. raped, homeless, and beaten with a hammer) and he claimed he wanted to protect me from the world.  It was my fault, he said, because I made him feel sorry for me and that's why he married me.  He didn't love me.  He wanted to protect me. 

I know it sounds messed up, but I fear telling anyone else about my life for fear they'd do the same thing. 

 

 I'll work on that. 

  

I DO pray for my friend everyday.  I ask that he finds his true love.  I ask that he be happy.  If I am supposed to be with him, I ask that my life get straightened out and I have the qualities necessary to make it work, and be supportive of him.   

 

If it is meant to be, it'll happen soon.  If not, he'll find a hottie at a bus stop somewhere. 

I hope he's dating many women.  Life is too short to wait for an idiot. 

I hope he's playing the field.  I'll care for him no matter what happens. 
 

Love ya,

 

S.