Trust

Today I am thankful for trust.

I'm not sure who I can trust right now.  I still don't understand the truth of anything. 

I got the skinny on what happened to my daughter.  She was with a new man.  Her father wanted to meet her friend, so he took them to a lacrosse game.  Then he ratted his daughter out to her ex-boyfriend roommate. 

Yes, she and her ex live together.  Her ex asked her to move in with him so they could split the rent and he could see his daughter on a daily basis.   He called her his ex.   This mirrors my situation a little too much. 

They shared a bedroom.  That's where it deviates.  My ex and I haven't done that for a long time.

When you're living with an ex due to leases, mortgages, or kids you do NOT spend the night with other men until you are absolutely certain your ex has moved on.

I've been told to sleep with other men for years now.  I've never done it. 

There is an impossible ambiguity of having an ex living in the basement and sharing a house with him.  I can only see it creating a situation where someone gets his heart broken. 

It gets worse when he's highly manipulative and you don't know if the crazy things going on around you are made to keep you here or are mere coincidences.

He still claims he wants a divorce.  He won't help me get to that point.  For the past few months, I've been flitting back and forth between job interviews, small business coaches, doctors, lawyers, shrinks and court houses trying to find the least expensive way to get this done.    

I want a job because that alimony business seems a tad bit insane.  I had two classes to attend this morning.  These are free government classes at the community center.  If you're late, they lock you out. 

I wanted to go to kiss up to the people running the work force center.  They know where all the good jobs are.  It'll have to wait for another day now. 

Do you know why?

My keys were locked inside my van this morning.   I keep them hidden in the car because someone in this house will move them or hide them.  It's a form of crazy making. 

I don't know if that is coincidence or sabotage.  I missed my class.  This is my life.  This always seems to happen when I have something job related to do.

What makes me sad is the realization that my daughter is living my life. 

Actually, I want to type that out as

'my daughter is living my lie.' 

My life is a lie.  I'm not sure what is true or not. 

My ex will say he loves me and beg for a reconciliation before running off into his basement apartment.  If he loved me, why would I sleep alone? 

I have feelings for someone else.  I've been praying to my friend's God to help him find a new love.  I did that with the last guy who asked me out, twenty days later he got engaged.  So...I'm hopeful this will work. 

I'm taking the reins back again.  I expect little games.

I lost eight pounds over the last two weeks.  My ex is filling the cupboards with garbage food.  He's buying cinnamon rolls, chocolate, and all sorts of things that are diet killers. 

There are other games, too. 

When the little games don't work, Shannon will probably start stalking me again.  This time I decided to carry candy bars in my bag to throw at her the next time she follows me.  She's lost 335 pounds, maybe candy is the only thing she fears. 

Now, I'm going to get ready to go to court to sit with my daughter as she testifies against her ex. 

This is my fault.  I married a convincing liar.  I believed him.  I repeated the lies.  Now, I'm a liar.   I'm looking back on it.  I didn't catch him in lies until we were together sixteen years.  In 2008, the lies started to unravel.  He's been lying to me since 1992!

Every time I gave him something, he got a little more controlling.  Every time there was a setback, he'd lie about it.  Cleaning the house on Friday, I found more proof that he's still raiding the retirement accounts.

Today I realized that I probably will not be able to look for a job until he leaves the house or I move out. 

My child is living the same life as I.  I want to smack those politicians who told me to stay married and live in the same house as my ex for the children. 

Now, I'm preparing to go to court to be by our daughter's side while she testifies against her ex. 

This is what happens when you stay with an a-hole for the children!! 

Oh, and do you know how her ex knew she was with another man?  Her father can't keep gossip to himself.  He called her ex and told him. 

He's such a drama king!  Ugh!!  If he saw the bruises on our daughter, he'd be ashamed of himself. 

 I look forward to a life when exes do not have daily contact with me.

This is exhausting.

Love ya,

S.