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Confirmation


 
Today I am thankful for confirmation.  


I know I'm being controlled by guilt and manipulation.  I'm not supposed to file for divorce because he doesn't want to be alone.  

I get yelled at a lot.  

It's my fault he weighs over 500 pounds.  

It's my fault we haven't banged in years.  

It's my fault that I'm not working.  

It's my fault...

crap...

I lost count.  

I know there is more.  

I just forgot.

He told me he says things like that to me because he wants to hurt someone. 

Why in the world would someone act like that? 

Geez!

It's sale season.  His clothes are scary looking and ripping at the seams.  The local department store had men's jeans for $10 a pair.  They carry 54 x 30.  I took him shopping.  He bought five pairs of jeans and seven shirts. 

Good for him.  

As I'm walking with him, he's telling me that he's going to take my advice and get the bariatric surgery.  He's in his mid-forties and he knows that if he doesn't do something about his weight, he won't make it to 50.  

Hooray! 

There is a six month waiting list.  

I asked if he wanted to see my eating disorder doc.  This doc has helped him lose 40 pounds a month in the past.  That's a little extreme but he could help him get a start on the nutritional counseling and weight loss.  He said no.  My doc works wonders.  He's cheap, too.  

Nope...he wants the surgery.  

Okay...how does he intend on paying for it?  

Well.. he wants to raid our 401K.  

He's taken more that 50% of the value in the past two years but that is beside the point.  The divorce will cause the 401K to be untouchable for at least six months.  We'll have to have the divorce settled before his surgery.  

This means, I have to file immediately.  

So...I'm getting pushed. 

The sad thing is that I just learned that one of the girls needs orthodontic work.  If we don't get it within the next two years, her jaw will have to be broken and reset.  The orthodontic work costs a little more than his bariatric surgery.  It is much cheaper than traumatizing a kiddo by breaking her jaw.  

Sigh....we have different priorities.  

I need to find a job and a way to supplement my income to pay for everything.  He says that I am more ambitious than he is, so it's my job to earn the extra money.  

Okay....he needs to stop the stalking crap.  

On the bright side, he offered to repair my computer.  Someone threw it and the hard drive is toast.  My keyboard is missing keys.  I use it to blog.  I use to keep in touch with people.  

It's horribly slow.  It takes 2 hours to render an 8 minute YouTube video on Chrome.  

He bought me a 500 GB hard drive, so I can do more voice over work to earn money to raise the kids on my own.  That will help.  
  
Wish me luck.    

When I doubt the NPD diagnosis, I realize it is real.   

Wow...

Love ya, 

S.  




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