Toltec Myths

Today I am thankful for Toltec myths.

 

 

 

I read a Toltec teaching tale about a man and a woman who were best friends. 

 

They were in love.  They were incredibly happy when they spent time together.  They'd talk.  They'd share.  They'd make love.  They trusted each other.  They didn't make demands on one another.  They simply loved each other and this brought them great joy. 

 

Then one day, the man saw a star in the sky.  It was a beautiful star.  It made him think of his lady love because it represented how she made him feel.  He, somehow, managed to get a hold of the beautiful star.  He presented it to his lady love.  He put it in her hands.

 

For a split second, she felt doubt.  She accidentally dropped the star. 

 

He watched his symbol of joy shatter into a thousand pieces. 

 

Oh, my... that was revealing!!!

 

I know what I fear!! 

 

 

I know why I hate marriage! 

 

 

I get it. 

 

I get it! 

 

 

I don't want another human being making me responsible for his happiness. 

 

I want to increase his happiness.  I want to amplify the good in his life.  I want to make him feel safe to be more of who he really is. 

 

 

I don't want to be the reason for it.  I want to reinforce who he is, not change him. 

 

This is why I hesitate answering his question about what I need.  If I tell him what I want, I fear changing him!!! 

I fear being controlled again.  I fear being manipulated.  I don't want anyone to change me into someone I am not.  I don't mind learning new things and incorporating that into my knowledge base but I don't want to be forced into becoming someone that I am not. 

 

I think knowing why I won't open up will be helpful on some level. 

Maybe I should ask him what his needs are.  I betcha they are the same as mine.  I bet they are basic human needs akin to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; food, water, sex, companionship, appreciation, support, and self-actualization (which is cool because we want to do the same things).   

 

I'll meditate on it for now. 

I may end up talking to the Shaman again.  Last fall, he and his coven said that he was praying to his Gods, asking that they ease my loneliness.  He believes this man was sent to me by the Gods.  I don't know.  I knew him before then. 

He's right.  This is different for me.  He said he was happy for me to have found the gift of love. 

I don't know...that seems a bit premature.  I think I drive the guy crazy and drain his energy. 

I really love this person but am not sure that we have the chemistry we would need over the long haul.  That's my fault.  I wouldn't let him get close to me.  I guess I don't want to risk being rejected for being old, gray, lumpy, and dumpy.  

My friend says things that make me think.  Those thoughts lead me to change my life.  I stopped drinking.  I am on a diet because I was tired of my ankles, hips, and knees aching from the extra weight.  I went to the cops about the stalking because my friend was right that it is insane thinking that three different people have stalked me (it's weird, because I realized that all my stalkers were connected to my ex).  He's trying to feed me metaphors about taking responsibility for my life.  I'm working on it.  If I could wave a wand and fix it, I would.

I feel for him very deeply.  I don't quite understand why.  We are alike but different in ways I can't quite place. 

We both move incredibly slow.  I don't quite see the hurry.  We need to do things at our pace. 

 

I think I see a new way out of the mess that will be a win-win.  I'm off to introduce my ex to a talent scout looking for a morbidly obese actor.  If he gets to move to California, we both win. 

 

Wish him luck. 

 

I love how this day is going. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S.