Recognizing Male Manipulation

Today I am thankful that I am getting better at recognizing male manipulation.

I picked the wrong weekend to invoke Aphrodite, Eros, and Dionysus.  

Oh, where do I start? 

Aphrodite is amazing.  If I invoke her, I end up finding the most interesting clothing in my closet.  I also find unique ways of putting it together so that men stare.  

And then of course, after invoking Dionysus, I feel so darn hot now.   It is uncomfortable being in public because I'm inexplicably being drawn to artists, guitar players, and wine tasters.  He is the god of wine, lust, of intoxication, of art, and of music.  I know what happened.  

It's worse because I had my ex tagging behind me.  He said he had to walk behind me to watch my ass.   

Oh....it was a bad day.  

I guess that I should probably start at the beginning. 

He tried to seduce me!  

I woke up feeling hot.  

It was great.  

I wanted someone to share it with.  

But alas....I'm alone.  

I took a cold, cold bath in pepper and milk.  If anything turns me off, it's pepper.  

Milk takes off the dry skin.

Nope, I used too much pepper and felt even hotter.  

I went to my room and picked out some clothes.  The size 12 outfits fall off of me now.  I had to go a size down.  

I found a red skirt with slits up either side and a red sleeveless top with ruffles on the top that matched.  When we had little money, I bought my clothes in bulk at a thrift shop warehouse.  I got a boxes full of funky clothes.  

I wore that red number.  

I skipped downstairs around 11:00 a.m.  hoping to use the gym before my ex woke up.  He usually wakes up around 2:00 p.m. on Sunday.  

I found him in the main living area with the kids. 

He rushed up and kissed me on the cheek.  

I couldn't eat breakfast at that point.  

Score one point for my diet!! 

He had convinced the kids to take me to see Star Trek II.  

Oh, no...

The kids are highly sensitive.  They can't even watch the old series without nightmares.  

He insisted.  

He took me to a theater that I wanted to boycott because they do not allow concealed carry weapons in it and condemned twelve people to death.  

It was a scene of a mass shooting last summer.  

I went anyway.  This man doesn't listen to me.  It's easier just to go along with what he wants.  

I wanted to work today....but...whatever.    

My ex  went into a different theater with two of the children.  The eldest and I watched Star Trek.  

A word of warning, the second Star Trek movie is incredibly hokey!  That's the kind of movie a woman has to take a hot date to see with her so she has something more interesting to do.  

Alas...I had no such luck.  

I sat through it, thinking of the last movie I saw and what I wanted to do with the cutie sitting next to me.  I squirmed a lot through that one.  

Sigh...

My daughter and I left the theater to find my ex and the littlest kids sitting outside.  They'd been there for 45 minutes.  

That is not cool.  I felt frustrated because there are two little bored kids who are beginning to get cranky.  

Then, my ex took us to a street festival.  

I was supposed to volunteer at this street festival but I didn't because my personal life is in disarray.  

Fortunately, I did not run into anyone I knew.  

There was something weird in the weather.  

The wind kicked up quite a bit and kept revealing my legs.  

Men stared.  

It was weird.  

My ex made comments about watching my behind as I walked.  

I wanted to talk to the bass player who was advertising his new recording studio business.  I need a place to do my voice overs.  

My ex was hanging all over me....nope.  

I'll Google the guy.  

It wasn't the time or the place for a confrontation.  

I decided to bide my time.  

After about eight hours of this, he decides to drive home.  On the way, he tells me to avoid Steve.  He thinks my friend is psycho.  He thinks I'm going to get hurt.  

It was projection city. 

I tell him that Steve is protective of me but because I am not yet divorced, he has to stuff his concerns way down where they make him feel helpless.  I have a stalker and he can't advise me.  When he's feeling hot and bothered, he can't say a word.  When he's lonely, I can't be with him.  

That would drive anyone up a wall.    

What made the conversation worse was that my ex drove my vehicle around town and we drove by most of those very places Steve and I would visit during our political stints. 

I tried to hide my tears.   

Thank goodness the kids have mp3 players and the suspension of my car is shot.  They could have heard everything.  

Goodness... 

Steve was fine until I made the dumb decision to stay married so my ex wouldn't kill himself.    Steve invested a lot in me and I didn't recognize it.  

We are fighting those feelings.  It's hard.  

Either one of two things will happen.  I'll have a moment of weakness and my ex will have no choice to divorce me -or- my friend will find another woman.  

Steve was waiting until he could, as he put it, stake his claim.  

Now, he wants to know if he should give up being with a woman who understands his sense of humor. 

He's a man.  Men need things that I'm not giving him.  

Steve isn't stupid.  He saw how I felt.  He felt it.  Two intuitive people can't lie to each other.  He was right, I am not taking responsibility for my life.  I am not being honest about my feelings.  I am not taking responsibility for what I want.  

I hated hearing that truth.  I had hoped he hadn't noticed.  

My ex and I  finally made it to the house and I gave the kids their baths and get them ready for school.  

Then I go into the basement apartment and confront Mike. 

"I know you're trying to get me to stay married to you."  

He admitted it.  

"You want us to be married in name only.  For that to happen, I need to feel safe.  I need to know about the stalking." 

He looked at me speechless as I continued,   

"You're going to have to explain the stalking to me.  You didn't want me to work.  Your sister stalks me wherever I work and go to school.  There is a connection.  You'd better tell me what really happened."  

This was his answer....

"I'll just file the divorce paperwork then."  

I know he had something to do with it!!!  

Women marry men who make them feel safe.  I can't feel safe with a guy who disables my car, hides the money, and lets his freaky family stalk me.  

The sad thing was when Steve asked me what I felt about him, I told him that he made me laugh and made me feel safe.  I didn't tell him that he makes me feel beautiful.  Few men make me feel beautiful.  The way he glows around me....it makes me feel special.  

That's all a woman truly wants.  Someone who makes her smile and someone who makes her feel safe.  Feeling pretty is a bonus.  

Of course now, my friend will start to look at me with loving eyes and shake it off because it is inappropriate.    When he gets randy, he can't run away from me fast enough. 

I need to fix this.  

I am being manipulated.  

This is why my friends warned me NOT to let my ex stay in the house with me.  One of my therapist buddies swears up and down that I am letting my ex stay here out of pity and that my ex is going to kill me.

I think he'll kill me when he realizes that it's over.  I may get divorced and survive.  If he sees me with another man, I'm dead unless he finds someone else.  How do I get my ex to find another woman?  

I have to put a stop to the manipulation.

The lawyers say that we'll have to sell the house.  The way my ex has set things up, I have no credit, no work history, no money, and no job.  The kids and I will be homeless if we sell the house.  The mortgage payment is less than rent.

There is one way to solve this.  I can walk away completely.  I can pay him child support.  If that happens, he can afford the house, the kids can keep their scholarships and friendships.  That may be the only way to work this out.

I shudder at that thought -but- that can be done.  My ex doesn't want the kids.  They'll end up spending most of their time with me anyway.  This way....their lives are more stable.

My ex is using the house and kids to keep me here.

I'm falling for it.

I'm screwing up.

I'm hurting someone else.

This is stupid.

All love has difficulties.

There are always problems.

Why should I let a little ex problem get in the way of something wonderful? 

Love is rare.

I don't understand what hit me...or my friend and I.  It just did.  No matter what goes on between us, I think we value the connection enough to work it out.  We genuinely care for each other.

Why am I letting something that ended six years ago destroy this wonderful development?  

I screwed up.  

If Steve could find this feeling some place else, would he have by now?  

If I could, would I have?  

When I prayed to Isis and Osiris and asked them to help Steve find what he needed, he contacted me within minutes.  I was sure we'd never speak again.  

Do I dare piss off the God and Goddess of love and devotion?

Perhaps I should pray for guidance.  

This love is bigger than I am.    

Love ya, 

S.  

Edit 6/7/13

My ex admitted to the stalking today.

He would complain about me to his family knowing that they would take action on his behalf.
He gave them all the information they need to stalk me.
When I asked him to put a stop to it, he didn't say anything to them about it or they would stop.

He also said that he decided that he didn't want me to work the first year of our marriage.  He didn't tell me this, though, he just ran around sabotaging things.

That's a deal breaker!

If I end up attacked or murdered, Michael is using his family (most notably his sister and her fiancée) to stalk and harass me.  

I'm going to throw up now.

Love ya,

S.