PTSD Screams

Today I am thankful that I noticed that I don't scream every time someone sneaks up on me. 

My ex is like a Ninja.  

Well, more like a clumsy Ninja.  

He and his family always had a habit of sneaking up on me.  

His kids do, too.  They pride themselves on being Ninjas.  It's cute when it's an adolescent.  It's not so cute when you're a morbidly obese middle aged man.  

My ex has a habit of always being where I least expect him.  The same thing can be said of his family.  When they surprise me, I freak out.  

When it comes to my ex, I always scream in horror and have to take a few minutes to calm down.  

Now, up until yesterday, I thought I did this with everyone.  

I don't.  

I only do this with Mike.  

He had my vehicle  so I had to put off my errands until he returned it.  He sauntered in around 7:00 p.m.  and I went to the store to buy things for the kids to do while I was on my three hour long bus ride today.  

He wanted me to return movies that he had rented (grumble....grumble....what part of ex does he fail to understand....whatever).  I forgot.  

I started to pull out of the garage.  I felt myself stomp on the brakes and I let out a shriek before I even knew what was happening.  

My ex was standing next to the driver's side window with his movies.  

That's weird.  

I made it to the store.  An old friend saw me.  She's a ninja, too.  I love her dearly.  She's a Bruja and we have the same style of worship.  

My Bruja friend came up from behind to say hello.  There was no startle response.  I did not scream. I did not yell.  There was no shrieking in horror.    

She asked why I was no longer working as a therapist in private practice.  I told her that I had a stalker.  

She wants to have coffee to deal with the matter.  

I love my friends!  

So...my family physician is right.  It must be PTSD.  He's probably one of the few still practicing today that do not believe in psychiatric medication.  I've got to get the stalker/abuser out of my life.  

I'm working on it.  I'm pissed off.  I'm not sleeping.  He is still startling me everywhere I go.  

I've done this most of our relationship.  As far back as I can remember, I always had the habit of screaming bloody murder when Mike is where I don't expect him to be.  

With the stalking, I do this more than I'd like.  

I wonder what the triggering event for that was?  

Perhaps it was the day when I told him his sister and cousin were stalking me at home and he flew into a rage and started to hit things.  We weren't dating.

To be fair, I DO have a bizarre dating pattern with men.  I'm realizing that I tend to end up with a best friend and then after a long, long time....we hook up.  The stalking began during this friendship phase.  He was visiting with me a few times a week.

His sister, cousin, aunt, and mother were calling me numerous times on a daily basis!  

Hell, they were calling me more than he was! 

I refused to speak to him for a long time over that. He told me it was over; he lied! 

I actually started to see another man.  Oh, he was a cute Gemini but, in his duality, he forgot to tell me that he was engaged to the mother of his child. 

I do run into him from time to time.  He's a waiter now for an upscale restaurant.  I don't eat there anymore.  

I'll never forget the man's face.  It's like I memorized it as to never consider kissing it again.  Twenty-two years have passed since I dated him and I still recognize him!!

There were days when we'd be sitting in my apartment studying psychology (we were both college students) and I'd get a call from Mike's cousin saying that she drove by and saw that I was with a man.  He liked to mess with people.  I should have let him talk to them, he was a better hypnotist than I.

I'll always remember Mr. Gemini for his tenacity.  When Mike and I started dating, he'd call me every Friday night asking if we'd broken up yet.  When I moved, I never gave him my phone number.  

I love vegan food.  The last time I saw him, he was working in a restaurant that offers Vegan fare.  I wonder why?  Maybe he developed a taste for it over the years.

This man never had the chance to make me scream.  That's a pity.

Maybe what I need is to find someone who can make me scream when I know they are with me.  I don't want someone who makes me shriek in terror because they are where I least expect them to be. 

Life and love are incredibly weird. 

Love ya, 

S.