Ambivalence

Today I am thankful for my ex's ambivalence.

I never really noticed it. 

Other people did. 

I actually tried to call off our wedding a week before it happened because he didn't care. 

Things got worse from there. 

His mother meddled with the wedding. 

He didn't care. 

His sister meddled with our song list.  I think the song we danced to was Garth Brooks 'The Thunder Rolls.'

Given what I now know, it was an appropriate choice. 

He doesn't care. 

It didn't hit me. 

One of my political advisers said that it was hard to describe my marital status because the relationship had a lot of ambivalence to it. 

I had a dating coach remark that my appearing available to men yet not making my self available made me attractive in the eyes of men. 

My life is ambivalent.
I'm a romantic at heart.  My primary relationship comes first.
The problem is my partner wasn't....all there.
I didn't understand that at the time. 

It took a friend pointing out that I've always gotten mixed signals that made it hit home. 

The ambivalence has always been there.  

He wants me

- but -

he doesn't.

So, today, I took a stand.  This is the absolute first time that I refused to go to one of my ex's business events and act like an arm ornament. 

I'm home alone with the girls. 

*****

My ex couldn't love me more than he needed his mother.  When he felt his emotional connection slipping with his mother, he started to control me and treat me like crap. 

So long as his mother liked me, there was no ambivalence.  The moment she started to disparage me, the relationship was over. 

I always respected his mother because I thought he was a nice man who was raised well. 

Now, I don't know what to think after the stalking and abuse.  

Perhaps the most attractive thing a guy can show me is that he loves his mother, even if she is controlling, weird, or obnoxious. 

I don't know.

*****

I had another epiphany while meditating in the wee hours of the morning to my candles dedicated to Isis and Osiris. 

I realized that I began to eat when Steve looked at me like he loved me.  I didn't want to cheat on my ex.  If I made myself fat and ugly, nothing would happen.

It was weird.  The weight is coming off of me quickly now, despite not taking the full dose of pills.  I'm weaning myself of a prescription amphetamine.
I didn't expect the joint pain.
Do your joints hurt when you quit uppers?
Weird....

I weigh less than I did the day I met Steve.  I'm still twenty pounds heavier than I want to be.  I was 149 in 2008.  I wore a size 6-8.  I miss my hot clothes.
Of course, I have boobs as a 10/12.  When my stomach goes, so will my cleavage.
I'll deal with it.
I don't care. 

When I don't care, I don't eat so much. 

I feel much better. 

I hate the stretch marks though.  If I had known that I'd get more, I would never have allowed myself to gain the weight. 

Who cares about that?  I can burn the new ones off. 

I have spent the past two weeks in severe emotional pain. 

I am sad. 
Joint pain, jitters, and homemade alpha-hydroxy acid burning holes in my skin do not hurt near as much as heartache.

****

My ex told me to be with my friend.  I told him that he was long gone.  My ex said he'd come back when he missed me long enough. 
Then it hit me that most men are not ambivalent. 

They know what they want. 

They just need time to assess their feelings, especially when they are deep. 

If they want you and value you, they'll come back. 

Every man in my past were Scorpios.
They freeze you out.
You look at another man, you get frozen out.  This happens even if you look at the waiter to ask for a glass of water!
Gain 10 pounds, your frozen out until you're popping vitamin B-6 like candy to get rid of the water weight.
Notice that he's sleeping with the waitress, you get the deep freeze.
Take too long in the bathroom because your stripper boots got stuck in the grooved tile on the floor, he freezes you out!
Too many public displays of affection, it's Antarctica for you baby!
Not enough hidden inner thigh grabbing in public....well...get your coat, you're gonna need it!

Sigh...I thought they were the worst sign in the world.  I thought it was a November baby thing....

I guess not.

August men do that, too!
I think he thought I was hanging with the politicians and doing drugs.
I was home trying to get some sleep.
I let the prettier and younger girls do the entertaining.
I was volunteering 14 hours a day so I could earn a free Concealed Carry Permit.

My sin?

I missed three Facebook posts because I was exhausted and working my ass off.  I was volunteering long days.  I'm working with the county to get a job so I don't wind up on welfare.  I'm trying to rebuild my business without money.  I'm sleeping three hours a night!

I've got to do the yard work.  I've got to learn how to replace the brakes on my car.  I'm busy!!!

When he blocked me and deactivated his account, I couldn't see his posts to answer them.

Oooohhh....Leos!!

What is worse is that he decries the system so much that I can't introduce him to the real movers and shakers.  You don't go around disparaging the very people that can help you change things. I get invited to snazzy parties all the time; he could meet people in power but I don't know if he'd behave himself.

I had the thought that my friend wants to be a radio talk show host.  If so, I could introduce him to talent scouts.  He could start on my friend's radio shows.

I will never again complain about my Scorpio exes.  I'm sorry.  My weight would have never ballooned if I'd have stayed with one of them.  The cold air would have been enough to help me burn off those extra pounds!

Every single one of them has been back here in the past three years trying to talk sense into me.  I should've listened.  At least they tell you what they think as they are trying to seduce you by getting you to lick some white creamy whipped cream crap off of the straw stuck in their fancy coffee.

Now, I'm laughing.  This is probably why I always tried to get my Leo friend to go to a coffee shop.  He refused to go.  Caffeine keeps him up.

I thought that was the point.

Oh well....

*****

I realized that it was incredibly rude to ignore the Gods and Goddesses who answer your prayers.  

During the first hour of Venus yesterday, I lit a candle to Isis and Osiris and thanked them for proving to me that a man that I thought beautiful in all respects actually existed, even if he couldn't stand to be near me.  That revelation actually humbled me on many levels.

The fact that someone like that exists is pretty darn powerful.

Maybe it is true that there is someone for everyone.  I thought there wasn't anyone out there suitable for me.  There is!  That thought always reduces me to tears, especially after so many years of believing that love would never exist for me.   I settled.

I realized that the things I want aren't impossible.  I'm just too stupid to know what to do with a man like that when I find him.  I think my instinct is to run until I'm more perfect for him.

I don't know....

We may not be ready to hook up in this lifetime.  That makes me sad.  He's got issues.  I've got issues.  I'm not sure we can work through them together.  I'd be working to pay for our therapists and my cosmetic surgery.  He's visual.  I'm ugly.

I cried a lot.  The salty tears burned up my cheek.  It'll heal.  Someday I'll learn to carry handkerchiefs.

*****

During the second hour of Venus, I lit candles to Aphrodite and Eros.  I asked Aphrodite for beauty and the desire to please someone I loved.  I thanked Eros; he scares me a little because those arrows are incredibly powerful and make smart people do crazy things.

Every man I've ever been interested in has gone crazy.  I used to blame my saliva.  I never kissed this one.  It must be my aura!

I fell asleep within moments of lighting that candle and invoking them.  I fear what I may have asked for while I was asleep.  I woke up an hour later feeling a sense of hopefulness and deep unconditional love.  It couldn't have been all that bad. 

*****

During the final hour of Venus in the wee hours of the morning, I lit one to Dionysus.  I asked to learn to feel the madness of the Bacchae but only for one guy because I'm too stupid to deal with more than one. 

I forgot to extinguish that candle. 

I fell asleep again.

I had the dirtiest dreams. 

I tried so hard to ignore the face in them because I was sure I'd never see that face again.
They were hot.

*****

I did have an epiphany, too.  Real love is not the same as the superficial friendships I've called love over the years.  Real love is far too deep to let tiny misunderstandings destroy it.  We can run away from it but it will always bring us back.

It is irreplaceable.
The energies are unique and cannot be replicated. 

The hole it leaves in our hearts is impossible to fill with other things.  We can't replace it with alcohol, religion, money, or other people. 

That is why I have an old Scorpio friend who keeps coming back every few years.  We love each other but we don't get along.  I change too much for his taste.  He's stable in thought, mind, and behavior.  I like to learn and try new things.

He's like a good, sturdy Toyota sedan.  There are days when I just want a colorful crotch rocket that'll take me anywhere.

If only I could learn to like moderation and measured response.  If I could just learn to stay in one lane and not zip in and out of traffic, he'd be perfect for me.

How does one do that?

Life is to be lived, not avoided.

*****

Why did I see that face in my dreams last night?  

I woke up confused as hell.

I'm on fire. 

It's a beautiful fire. 

I need to avoid alcohol and bars with straight men until I get used to the energy.

It took me three hours to even touch the computer. 

*****

Care to guess who sent me a friend request?

I don't know if I trust him any more. 

I do miss him. 
I'll pray about it. 

****

Do you something even worse than sex dreams of someone who ices you out? 

Your ex sensing your sensual energy and wanting to touch you.  He came home from the event I refused to attend and tried to hold me.  I wiggled away. 

Or does he want me back because he saw my friend's face on my Facebook page?   

I refused.  He went to bed incredibly early.  

I don't want to think about why.  

I've got to move. 

Love ya,

S.