Today I am thankful that I am living in a huge aquarium.
I realized that my life is full of narcissists. Most people I know are not that way but in my dealings with musicians, artists, and politicians, I will say that ten to fifteen percept of the people I meet are narcissists.
These are usually the ones who are unsuccessful but pretend to be more than they are.
If you earn it, you can claim it.
If you don't, you can't.
And, of course, the problem with that is that I find a lot of people in the smaller political parties, or working as a government employee that want to be a big fish in a little pond.
They own their little square of the planet. They'll make it hell for anyone to escape their mythological world.
I've run afoul of a couple of these people. They both caused me to run for office.
I'm bigger than they are.
I told the truth about them and I paid dearly for it.
The more they abused me verbally, the more sarcastic I became and the more embarrassed they were. One of them took off for another state.
Ha...I had the last laugh.
I married one. I've lived this hell for over twenty years. I know how to fake out narcissists.
I don't want to any more.
I not only tire of narcissists, I tire of men who play games.
Today, I was sad.
I did what had to be done.
I don't think it will take but I am working on distancing myself from Steve.
I mean....
if we had it...
if it were hot....
we wouldn't be able to resist it.
If we've been dancing around like this for over 18 months,
I'm not the one for him.
So....
we'll see.
I've been focusing on a handful of men.
It's a beautiful and big world out there.
I like chatting up the gas station attendant. Tonight he told me that sales are down, so I need to try to visit with him a little more often. Okay, I'll tell all my friends that he makes the best straight, black, non-diabetic coma inducing, coffee in the world.
We'll see how it goes.
I know most of the grocery clerks by name. I got hit in the ass today by the guy that heads the produce department. He's married. I'm sure that was an accident. I'm not going to complain. He sells me the older organic produce for next to nothing. He'll bag it up and give it to me for $1. I have to eat it or can it in a few days, though. It rots very quickly.
When they need feedback for their jobs, they ask me because they know I'll give them glowing reviews.
I adore the cashier at the liquor store. I buy cheap wine to bathe in. The cheaper the wine, the more dead cells it burns off. He thinks I'm crazy.
He sold a winning lotto ticket a few weeks ago. I congratulated him on selling a product that helps the parks department. Everyone knows lotto tickets are taxes on stupid people - but at least they are voluntary taxes. I love that idea.
He invited me to visit a local state park with him.
I love nature.
I declined.
Why did I do that?
I did that because I had feelings for someone else and didn't want to complicate the matter.
But really.....
we are NOT a couple.
In fact, he was refusing to talk to me during that period of time.
Why did I keep to myself?
Why don't I start cultivating new friendships with men I am acquainted with who express interest?
It's nice being one person in a city of 350,000.
It's nice being a small fish in a huge fish tank.
There are so many colors.
Everyone is different.
The view is usually quite nice.
Most people are decent.
I do learn a lot from the people I meet.
Everyone I meet manages to teach me something.
I need to stop crying to myself and sitting at home.
I need to decide to stop declining invitations from handsome men.
When I have a crush on someone, it is really hard for me to think of other people as possible love interests. I know it is stupid. It is also self-defeating.
I'm going to have to stop acting like this.
I was offered the chance to volunteer at a professional convention next week. I ignored it. It would be nice to meet some of my handsome counterparts. We talk a lot online and I really would like to meet some of them. This year I thought it would be awkward to leave with all the legal stuff going on.
I should have gone.
Going to Las Vegas would have provided a chance to hang out in a new and bigger fish tank!
Ohh la...la....
It is a big world out there.
Love ya,
S.
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