Matchmakers Make Me Giggle

Uh...no...

Today I am thankful for conservative matchmakers; they make me giggle. 

So 

I had a couple of friends slated to give a speech a political event.  

I went just to show my support.  

I met some of my rivals.  

I met some of my colleagues.  

I had a couple of rivals become colleagues.  

My navigator wasn't with me, so I got lost and ended up driving around the same two mile radius for 45 minutes.  

I slunk in the door thirty minutes late and tried to hide in the back.  

Politician #1 waves at me.  

Crap, I was spotted.  

I sat there, trying to be quiet.  

I wore glasses, no one has seen me with glasses.  

Maybe they didn't recognize me? 

No....they did.  

One by one, people turn around and waved at me.  

I was thinking about the best way to do the Irish Goodbye.  I was scoping out the room trying to figure out how to take off without being noticed.   

One of them got up and sat right behind me.  

She said my name. 

I was flippin' stuck.  

Mr. Fitness turned around to wave at me.  

Yep, he was in the crowd.  I didn't expect to see him there.  What was he doing at a political event?  

This is weird.  

The woman behind me urged me to file for the divorce and stop wasting time waiting for my ex to do it.  She was separated for three years in the same situation that I'm in.

She said it gets better once it is filed.  

I should....

I really don't want the government in my business.

If I could get my ex to file what he wants with the court, we could bypass all the information the government wants to collect.  The way it stands now, I will have to account for every dollar I borrow from my family to re-start my business.  I want to keep my family out of it.

I am realizing that this is not going to happen. My ex will agree on paper but won't file it with court, so the odds are that everything is going to be investigated and on file somewhere.  I am lucky, though, my political enemies in power had me tracked for years.  Everything I've done has been collected and sifted through.  They were the ones who alerted me to the stalking.  If I end up maimed or killed, that information will probably become public so none of them are blamed.  Shannon, Mike and Doug will eventually go down.

Still, I fear the government.

My politician friend said that it doesn't matter.

Her divorce has only been final for three months.  She said she is already looking for a new hubby.  

I told her that she was braver than I was.  I was terrified of relationships but I had accidentally fallen in love with someone.  

She had a knowing smile on her face.  

Oh no...

What does she know?  

We got up to talk to a man who gave a presentation and Mr. Fitness tracked me down.  He complimented me on my weight loss.  

I lifted up my cardigan to show him that I have a waist now.  I was wearing a dress, so he didn't see any skin.  I wore the cardigan because I was cold.

I still have 20 pounds to go but it would be easier now due to the success I had with his nutritional advice.  I thanked him for his help and motivation.  

We spoke for awhile.  The energy was weird.  It was awkward and sexual.  We were interrupted by four other people.  

I welcomed them and left to work the room.  

I was spotted.  

I had to finish the job.  

An hour later, Mr. Fitness found me to tell me that he had to leave.  After another hour, all of my friends left and I sat there with people I never met before who knew who I was.  All but two people in the room were men.  

Someone mentioned that I was in the paper.  

Oh, crap.  

Then she told them what I did.  

Oh, crap.  

I was trying to keep everything on the down low.  

So, we began to have a group discussion on influence and how that means much more than votes.  

I did my best to slink away to talk to an older woman from my home town.  Mr. Fitness warned me not to talk to her because he said she was crazy.  He didn't know what she would say but he knew it would be insane.  

The people that other people call crazy are usually the people I LOVE to talk to.  

She has a master's in psychology, too.  

She's into meditation, hypnosis and all those wonderful things I do.  

She's also a matchmaker.  

She started off with "I know it's none of my business..." 

Uh, oh.....that's never a good sign.  

Apparently, she saw sparks between Mr. Fitness and I.  

Other people agreed with her.  

I told her that Mr. Fitness knows the man I'm seeing.  

I took off like a bat out of hell.  

Now, Mr. Fitness and I had a moment a few years ago in which I thought I settled the issue.  

He made me uncomfortable.  

I mislead him.  

I have reddish hair.  I have to qualify that because Mr. Fitness will argue about my hair color.  He says brown.  I say auburn.  Whatever.... It takes a special man to actually give a darn about the color of my roots.  

I used to wear watered down Jasmine essential oil for perfume.  

Bees are attracted to me.   I don't know if it is my perfume or the color of my hair that makes me a bee magnet.  

They are always in my hair.  

So, Mr. Fitness asked me to go for a ride in his red sportscar.  He took me to the hardware store to buy bee repellent for me.  

In the car, I felt uncomfortable.  

He is normally a very smooth talker.  

He is a salesman.  

He stuttered a lot.   When he stutters, he makes me stutter.

Our conversations do not flow well at all.  

On this day of the picnic, I was watching the children of other politicians, so they could network.  There were at least ten children there running around.  When I left with Mr. Fitness, I asked my eldest to watch the brood.  

When we arrived at the event, my eldest told me that the kids were getting on her nerves.  I introduced all  of the children to Mr. Fitness by first name.  

I never said they were mine.  

I never said they were not.  

I implied that they were mine.  

He took off like a maniac.  

I thought we were done.  

Last March, we met again at a political rally.  I was b!tching about my stalker and the fact that the damn lawmaker there wanted to raise the fees of a concealed carry permit.  I couldn't afford it.  

Mr. Fitness made an impassioned plea for my safety and the safety of others like me.  

Two weeks ago, he wanted to know why Steve was being weird because it's obvious we were close.  

Sigh.... 

This is why I liked being in a happy committed relationship.  

No one tells me who to sleep with.  

No one tells me who to see.  

No one plays matchmaker.  

I can live.  

I don't know whether to laugh or cry right now.  

I really don't.  

Maybe Mr. Fitness doesn't know what they're saying.  Or maybe that was the idea he found so crazy.  

He thinks that I've got ten kids!!!  

Ha...ha!!

It wouldn't work with him.  He's a Christian.  He quotes the Bible constantly.  He worships his God and his only begotten son, Jesus.  I believe that his God was originally worshipped as Zeus; I am not sure if Dionysus or Apollo better fit the concept of Jesus.

I'm Pagan.  To a man like that, I may as well worship Satan.

Our religion is what strikes him off of the possibility list.  He's a great man.  He is incredibly handsome.  He is very compassionate and kind.  He'd walk a mile to help a friend.

If I had a hot, single, Christian friend, I'd send her his way.

The reality is that I'm not the one for him.  

Yes, I DO love my friends but I cannot be in love with all of them.  

Love ya, 

S.  

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