Today I am thankful for psychiatric journals.
I'm a former academic. I find solace and comfort with them.
For 21 years, I've been living with a guy who claims to have had seizures his entire life.
I've never seen them.
When he blamed them for his violent outbursts, I asked him to see his childhood neurologist. He was told he had no seizure disorder and was told he had Intermittent Explosive Anger Disorder and put on Neurontin.
He became scarier.
He had an MRI done, he does not have a seizure disorder.
He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder last fall.
I was always told he had a Traumatic Brian Injury that caused the seizures and his violent outbursts.
He has no head injury.
He has no seizures.
Well...in my attempt to understand what I have been trying to run away from, I did some research on personality disorders.
It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have conversion disorder resulting in pseudo (non-epileptic) seizures.
On the bright side, his new lady love won't have to worry about him swallowing his tongue.
This is the darndest thing I've ever dealt with.
It's like he's Borderline "I want you...go away!!"
or just crazy.
He thought I'd stay here and clean up after him without having an intimate relationship forever.
I'm floored by that.
I truly am.
On what planet?
Sigh....
I want to move on.
I'm in love with a man who can barely stand me.
Whatever made him run off from me for two weeks will probably be why we never hook up.
I'll do what I can to be a friend to him no matter what.
There are so many colorful fish in the sea who can see the truth about me but find themselves confused when I turn them down.
I met a beautiful older Latino man last week. I was all sweaty from a three hour bus ride/walk in 99 degree weather. I was embarrassed. My make-up melted off. I looked like he!! warmed over. He looked at me like I was a Goddess.
His name is beautiful. I can't even say it the way he can. My tongue butchers his name.
He is Aurelio.
He is an architect who lost his job.
I love networking. Usually I know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone who can give anyone a job.
I only know two architects. I wanted to put him in touch but he works with a different kind of structure and declined the offer.
I'm looking for a job.
He asked what I did.
I told him I was a hypnotist - but- I can't go back into my old business right now for personal reasons. I'm trying to narrow my job focus.
He gave me a fist bump, smiled, and said
"All right!!! You've got options!"
He's Latin, he's handsome, he's positive, with beautiful brown eyes, curly brown hair with a tiny amount of gray, a neat trimmed beard, and perfect teeth.
Oh, he's dangerous.
I tried to squirm away. He sat next to me in a adult job hunting class. When it was over, he tried to stare in my eyes.
Oh....no...not again.
Oh, these brown eyes were certainly beautiful, certainly warm, and I felt him trying to connect with me....
I can't....
I smiled and turned away. I could feel the confusion emanate from him.
My face is an open book but if I accept that connection, I can't act on it right now.
Why?
I can't hurt anyone.
I can't.
I wanted six months to air out from the narcissistic drama before getting involved with anyone.
My ex says he'll leave. He won't. He says I can leave and gets threatening when I do.
I know someone who is a narcissist expert. I don't like talking to her because she knows me but she's pegged it. My ex is Hoovering me. He is using fear, guilt, or obligation to keep me stuck here with him.
He'll say things like:
"I need your car. If I can't have your car, I'll lose my job."
It doesn't matter, if I lose my job.
We're still legally married, so you can't see other men even though I've promised to divorce you years and you've forgotten what a penis looks like. Okay, he doesn't say that. He says. "Go ahead leave. It's been two years since we had sex." To which I reply,
No. It may have been two years since you grabbed me, ruined my dress, and made a mess on my leg.
He's attempted it a couple of times but I can't stop crying enough to get to it. He's hurt me too much I can't be with him. He gets offended. He started sleeping apart from me in 2000. It's been bad for a long time.
"You can't leave until I find a decent job." He was unemployed for two years. He was severely underemployed for three.
"You can't leave or the kids will be neglected."
You have to stay because I'm in a lawsuit.
You have to stay because I'm going to file bankruptcy (but he sits on it for 18 months).
Now, it is I have to stay because he wants me to nurse him through a gastric band surgery.
Enough is enough!!
No more games!
I may not get out of here until a judge makes it so.
The key to getting rid of someone like this is going No or Minimal contact. I fear that. I fear it will lead to more stalking.
Now, they say that if you can cut contact with a narcissist for 30 days, they will go away and find a new source of attention. They are attention whores. They like drama. They like chaos.
The longest he's been gone is a week. After about seven days, he'll come home from his tantrum begging for his basement apartment back.
After seven days, I feel amazing! If he leaves for 30, I'll be shining! If he's gone for six months, I can't imagine how good I'd feel! Life would truly rock.
Do you know why?
Every interaction with my ex creates a situation where I feel like a film of thick negativity coats my presence. It takes days for it to fade away. I fear getting that negativity on to other people, so I keep to myself until I can be myself again.
I find myself avoiding eye with men contact now out of fear of connecting with them.
Maybe six months is a little too long. It has to be four to six weeks.
It would have to be incredibly slow.
I've spent a lot of time in my thoughts, I am realizing why I picked this guy. He looks like my grandmother. He acts like my grandmother. He won't cry real tears, so I don't have to worry about hurting him like I hurt my old boyfriend. I like to serve. He likes to take.
I think my mother may have been a narcissist but I don't know. She had to be the only beautiful person in the family. I was called ugly, even though, I look exactly like her!
I do know that my younger sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. We were raised apart. She watched my mother's murder. Our step-father died while playing Russian Roulette with her. She was eleven when mom died. She was thirteen when dad died. In foster care, she was a sexual assault victim. I am kind to members of the Republican party because when I was younger, they were the people who pulled strings to get her out of foster care.
I tried to help my sister and it cost me a lot of money. Her games caused me a lot of problems. The games my ex plays were not near as bad as hers.
Maybe I thought I could handle it.
I can't.
I hate drama.
I want a guy who will let me have a day of peace and quiet!
I think that's why I fell in love with an introvert.
He understands my need to be alone just to think!
During one of those separations when my ex actually left and I thought it was truly over,
I let myself feel inappropriate things for a friend.
That turned into a disaster.
This isn't working out.
I am realizing that it is weird having someone actually ask what I want. It is foreign to me.
It is normal. I need to get over my discomfort.
It is weird having someone give a damn about what I feel.
I can't tell him. He wants to know but if I tell him and we break his ethical code, he'll never trust me.
So I pray.
I believe this friendship is metaphysical in origin.
He leaves. I say prayers of gratitude and hope he finds the woman to teach him to be himself. He comes back.
I pray he gets what he needs. He tells me he loves me.
I pray to get to a point of freedom and I realize that this is the lesson I am getting from my friend. Freedom is more than politics. It is personal. This man is my teacher. I ought to accept the lesson.
Maybe the Gods are answering my prayers. Maybe it is going to take the crazy stuff to scare me away from here.
Before I met him, I swore I would never let myself feel love for another man again. I'll let myself feel friendship but I never wanted to hurt or be hurt again.
It just happened. I can't stop it.
I don't know if I can remember how to do things.
Do we forget how to...love? Just because I feel it, doesn't mean I act in a loving way.
Have I learned bad habits in this relationship?
I'm afraid of unintentionally hurting someone.
Life is supposed to be fun. Love is supposed to be fun. Other things are supposed to be fun.
How much fun can I be if I'm worried all the time about stupid crap?
This has got to stop.
My ex promised to sign and file the divorce paperwork for the past three weeks. He refused. It was only when he wanted exclusive access to my car (so I couldn't look for work) that he agreed to sign.
I still don't trust it. Every time this happens, there is some event that screws it up.
I'm realizing that what is not signed by a judge isn't reality. This was the first time my ex actually noterized a signed document stating he was separating from me and listing his demands. Usually, he just leaves a note.
Every time it seems real, every time I think that coat of negativity is gone and then it comes back in full force.
This is the hoovering. I get an opportunity for free job training, he takes my car. I need to put together a resume, he spends the weekend bellowing at me. The cops think the stalking is a form of hoovering, too. They say he does that to give him something to talk to me about.
At least I have the injunction against the bad behavior with the petition for divorce he signed. I am thinking about riding the bus to the court house tomorrow so that I can turn in the paperwork to make it a permanent restraining order. I don't feel right about getting it, though.
Now, I'm seeing the control starting to leak out....
Yes, now my ex expects to live here with me until the divorce is final.
I'm not sure I can do that, especially if he likes to yell at me.
My ex recently told me that after our divorce is final he fully expects me to come back to him.
I found myself confused.
Why would I do that?
There are so many beautiful, colorful, fun fish in the sea.
But then, my ex is a narcissist. In his eyes, no one is better than he is.
Aurelio has run into me twice since that day. Both times he said the same thing...
"You again?" and flashes that gorgeous smile before running up to me.
I avoid his gaze.
Steve....oh, I'm having a little cognitive dissonance with that man. He's lighting the most inappropriate fire under my ass but I think it'll probably save my life.
I can't think around Steve. He likes to debate. I'm lucky if I can remember how to tie my shoes right now.
When I'm confused and in pain, I need peace and quiet.
I just want someone to take me to a park
and hike with me
or sit with me
or hug me.
I don't feel like arguing. Since I hired the new lawyer, that's all I get here now. Arguing. My ex knows it's over and he's fighting me. He's lying. One moment he'll say he's the stalker. The next he'll say he isn't. I down know what is going on. One moment he says he wants my car. The next he doesn't but he'll take it anyway. He tries to set up reasons to take me out in public with him by promising the kids a day as a family. I don't like it when he does that.
I'm confused. I want to stop the nonsensical noise.
I pushed away Ben. I'm ruining my friendship with Steve. I can't even develop one with Aurelio. I need out of here so I at least can figure out what it is I want to do.
There are more good men than there are crazy ones. After a weekend stuck in a house with my ex, it's hard to remember that.
Love ya,
S.
I'm a former academic. I find solace and comfort with them.
For 21 years, I've been living with a guy who claims to have had seizures his entire life.
I've never seen them.
When he blamed them for his violent outbursts, I asked him to see his childhood neurologist. He was told he had no seizure disorder and was told he had Intermittent Explosive Anger Disorder and put on Neurontin.
He became scarier.
He had an MRI done, he does not have a seizure disorder.
He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder last fall.
I was always told he had a Traumatic Brian Injury that caused the seizures and his violent outbursts.
He has no head injury.
He has no seizures.
Well...in my attempt to understand what I have been trying to run away from, I did some research on personality disorders.
It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have conversion disorder resulting in pseudo (non-epileptic) seizures.
On the bright side, his new lady love won't have to worry about him swallowing his tongue.
This is the darndest thing I've ever dealt with.
It's like he's Borderline "I want you...go away!!"
or just crazy.
I wonder if it would be inappropriate to buy him a blow up doll that looked like me?
That way, at least, he'd get a little bit of action.
*****
*****
He thought I'd stay here and clean up after him without having an intimate relationship forever.
I'm floored by that.
I truly am.
On what planet?
Sigh....
I want to move on.
*****
I'm in love with a man who can barely stand me.
Whatever made him run off from me for two weeks will probably be why we never hook up.
I'll do what I can to be a friend to him no matter what.
There are so many colorful fish in the sea who can see the truth about me but find themselves confused when I turn them down.
I met a beautiful older Latino man last week. I was all sweaty from a three hour bus ride/walk in 99 degree weather. I was embarrassed. My make-up melted off. I looked like he!! warmed over. He looked at me like I was a Goddess.
His name is beautiful. I can't even say it the way he can. My tongue butchers his name.
He is Aurelio.
He is an architect who lost his job.
I love networking. Usually I know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone who can give anyone a job.
I only know two architects. I wanted to put him in touch but he works with a different kind of structure and declined the offer.
I'm looking for a job.
He asked what I did.
I told him I was a hypnotist - but- I can't go back into my old business right now for personal reasons. I'm trying to narrow my job focus.
He gave me a fist bump, smiled, and said
"All right!!! You've got options!"
He's Latin, he's handsome, he's positive, with beautiful brown eyes, curly brown hair with a tiny amount of gray, a neat trimmed beard, and perfect teeth.
Oh, he's dangerous.
I tried to squirm away. He sat next to me in a adult job hunting class. When it was over, he tried to stare in my eyes.
Oh....no...not again.
Oh, these brown eyes were certainly beautiful, certainly warm, and I felt him trying to connect with me....
I can't....
I smiled and turned away. I could feel the confusion emanate from him.
My face is an open book but if I accept that connection, I can't act on it right now.
Why?
I can't hurt anyone.
I can't.
*****
I wanted six months to air out from the narcissistic drama before getting involved with anyone.
My ex says he'll leave. He won't. He says I can leave and gets threatening when I do.
I know someone who is a narcissist expert. I don't like talking to her because she knows me but she's pegged it. My ex is Hoovering me. He is using fear, guilt, or obligation to keep me stuck here with him.
He'll say things like:
"I need your car. If I can't have your car, I'll lose my job."
It doesn't matter, if I lose my job.
We're still legally married, so you can't see other men even though I've promised to divorce you years and you've forgotten what a penis looks like. Okay, he doesn't say that. He says. "Go ahead leave. It's been two years since we had sex." To which I reply,
No. It may have been two years since you grabbed me, ruined my dress, and made a mess on my leg.
He's attempted it a couple of times but I can't stop crying enough to get to it. He's hurt me too much I can't be with him. He gets offended. He started sleeping apart from me in 2000. It's been bad for a long time.
"You can't leave until I find a decent job." He was unemployed for two years. He was severely underemployed for three.
"You can't leave or the kids will be neglected."
You have to stay because I'm in a lawsuit.
You have to stay because I'm going to file bankruptcy (but he sits on it for 18 months).
Now, it is I have to stay because he wants me to nurse him through a gastric band surgery.
Enough is enough!!
No more games!
I may not get out of here until a judge makes it so.
The key to getting rid of someone like this is going No or Minimal contact. I fear that. I fear it will lead to more stalking.
Now, they say that if you can cut contact with a narcissist for 30 days, they will go away and find a new source of attention. They are attention whores. They like drama. They like chaos.
The longest he's been gone is a week. After about seven days, he'll come home from his tantrum begging for his basement apartment back.
After seven days, I feel amazing! If he leaves for 30, I'll be shining! If he's gone for six months, I can't imagine how good I'd feel! Life would truly rock.
Do you know why?
Every interaction with my ex creates a situation where I feel like a film of thick negativity coats my presence. It takes days for it to fade away. I fear getting that negativity on to other people, so I keep to myself until I can be myself again.
I find myself avoiding eye with men contact now out of fear of connecting with them.
Maybe six months is a little too long. It has to be four to six weeks.
It would have to be incredibly slow.
I've spent a lot of time in my thoughts, I am realizing why I picked this guy. He looks like my grandmother. He acts like my grandmother. He won't cry real tears, so I don't have to worry about hurting him like I hurt my old boyfriend. I like to serve. He likes to take.
I think my mother may have been a narcissist but I don't know. She had to be the only beautiful person in the family. I was called ugly, even though, I look exactly like her!
I do know that my younger sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. We were raised apart. She watched my mother's murder. Our step-father died while playing Russian Roulette with her. She was eleven when mom died. She was thirteen when dad died. In foster care, she was a sexual assault victim. I am kind to members of the Republican party because when I was younger, they were the people who pulled strings to get her out of foster care.
I tried to help my sister and it cost me a lot of money. Her games caused me a lot of problems. The games my ex plays were not near as bad as hers.
Maybe I thought I could handle it.
I can't.
I hate drama.
I want a guy who will let me have a day of peace and quiet!
I think that's why I fell in love with an introvert.
He understands my need to be alone just to think!
*****
During one of those separations when my ex actually left and I thought it was truly over,
I let myself feel inappropriate things for a friend.
That turned into a disaster.
This isn't working out.
I am realizing that it is weird having someone actually ask what I want. It is foreign to me.
It is normal. I need to get over my discomfort.
It is weird having someone give a damn about what I feel.
I can't tell him. He wants to know but if I tell him and we break his ethical code, he'll never trust me.
So I pray.
I believe this friendship is metaphysical in origin.
He leaves. I say prayers of gratitude and hope he finds the woman to teach him to be himself. He comes back.
I pray he gets what he needs. He tells me he loves me.
I pray to get to a point of freedom and I realize that this is the lesson I am getting from my friend. Freedom is more than politics. It is personal. This man is my teacher. I ought to accept the lesson.
Maybe the Gods are answering my prayers. Maybe it is going to take the crazy stuff to scare me away from here.
Before I met him, I swore I would never let myself feel love for another man again. I'll let myself feel friendship but I never wanted to hurt or be hurt again.
It just happened. I can't stop it.
I don't know if I can remember how to do things.
Do we forget how to...love? Just because I feel it, doesn't mean I act in a loving way.
Have I learned bad habits in this relationship?
I'm afraid of unintentionally hurting someone.
Life is supposed to be fun. Love is supposed to be fun. Other things are supposed to be fun.
How much fun can I be if I'm worried all the time about stupid crap?
This has got to stop.
*****
My ex promised to sign and file the divorce paperwork for the past three weeks. He refused. It was only when he wanted exclusive access to my car (so I couldn't look for work) that he agreed to sign.
I still don't trust it. Every time this happens, there is some event that screws it up.
I'm realizing that what is not signed by a judge isn't reality. This was the first time my ex actually noterized a signed document stating he was separating from me and listing his demands. Usually, he just leaves a note.
Every time it seems real, every time I think that coat of negativity is gone and then it comes back in full force.
This is the hoovering. I get an opportunity for free job training, he takes my car. I need to put together a resume, he spends the weekend bellowing at me. The cops think the stalking is a form of hoovering, too. They say he does that to give him something to talk to me about.
At least I have the injunction against the bad behavior with the petition for divorce he signed. I am thinking about riding the bus to the court house tomorrow so that I can turn in the paperwork to make it a permanent restraining order. I don't feel right about getting it, though.
Now, I'm seeing the control starting to leak out....
Yes, now my ex expects to live here with me until the divorce is final.
I'm not sure I can do that, especially if he likes to yell at me.
My ex recently told me that after our divorce is final he fully expects me to come back to him.
I found myself confused.
Why would I do that?
*****
There are so many beautiful, colorful, fun fish in the sea.
But then, my ex is a narcissist. In his eyes, no one is better than he is.
*****
Aurelio has run into me twice since that day. Both times he said the same thing...
"You again?" and flashes that gorgeous smile before running up to me.
I avoid his gaze.
*****
Steve....oh, I'm having a little cognitive dissonance with that man. He's lighting the most inappropriate fire under my ass but I think it'll probably save my life.
I can't think around Steve. He likes to debate. I'm lucky if I can remember how to tie my shoes right now.
When I'm confused and in pain, I need peace and quiet.
I just want someone to take me to a park
and hike with me
or sit with me
or hug me.
I don't feel like arguing. Since I hired the new lawyer, that's all I get here now. Arguing. My ex knows it's over and he's fighting me. He's lying. One moment he'll say he's the stalker. The next he'll say he isn't. I down know what is going on. One moment he says he wants my car. The next he doesn't but he'll take it anyway. He tries to set up reasons to take me out in public with him by promising the kids a day as a family. I don't like it when he does that.
I'm confused. I want to stop the nonsensical noise.
*****
I pushed away Ben. I'm ruining my friendship with Steve. I can't even develop one with Aurelio. I need out of here so I at least can figure out what it is I want to do.
There are more good men than there are crazy ones. After a weekend stuck in a house with my ex, it's hard to remember that.
Love ya,
S.