Today I am thankful for dreams for they show me what I truly fear.
I had what I refer to as a WTF dream.
In this dream, I'm in my house.
It's clean.
It no longer smells like obese obnoxious man butt.
The carpet has been replaced.
I have Tibetan bowls and red oriental rugs in my bedroom.
There are lots and lots of red pillows with gold trim.
Don't ask me why.
I have allergies.
Decorative pillows turn into little sneeze machines after a while.
I'm frollicking on the carpet with a dear friend who recently got married.
Naked...
If I ever do that, I would expect his darling wife to find my Glock and put me out of my misery.
I could never forgive myself for such a transgression.
I like her more than I like him.
So...it will never happen.
Maybe this goes back to why I treated him like crap years before he met his beautiful wife.
Yeah....it's an older friendship.
Anyway in the dream, we're frolicking around and I'm doing all sorts of stuff to him that I think I forgot how to do.
He's tired.
I'm riled up.
He goes to touch me and I tell him to go ahead and rest because I'm too darn ugly to touch.
See....this is a WTF dream!!
So....
I think this is why I may have not been in a hurry to leave this mess.
I don't think anyone could....touch me on a physical level.
I also think that due to the negativity that surrounds me, I'm pretty darn ugly on the inside, too.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm hurting.
I fell in love with a friend and I would never let a friend get involved with someone as eff'd up as me.
That dream is weird.
I'm not sure if this is a throwback to the sexless relationship and the messing up my dress incident -or- if I am really ashamed of my appearance.
Wow....at least the dream is insightful.
I guess I ought to consider cosmetic surgery.
Once I find a job with insurance, I'll see a shrink. I lost my insurance on Monday due to the separation. Wouldn't you know it? I'm sick!! On Tuesday I started to get feverish, broke out in a cold sweat, and can barely breathe.
I asked my ex about Cobra and he started raging at me. So, I just let it go. I'll be uninsured until I find a job.
This is crazy.
They say people tend to get sick when they let go of a lot of stress. The separation is helping me untangle myself from a lot of stress. It's hard that he wants to live here a little longer but I think it will keep the stalking at bay.
Really....
I'm sure if someone truly loves me, they're not going to care about scars or stretch marks. In fact, the scars on my face are worse. Everyone sees those. Few people say anything. Men still ask me out.
What the heck is wrong with me?
I DO worry that I picked up bad communication skills here.
Maybe I ought to do something about that.
If I do truly love my friend, I ought to learn how to communicate with him.
I fear hurting him. I fear making him feel devalued. He's a man who doesn't see his own worth and it literally kills me to see how hard he tries to force himself to stand out. He already stands out. He just doesn't see it.
On the flip side, I can see that he's hiding who he really is but I ought not to write about that. It is like he is toning down an aggressive personality. It's like he's bottling himself up somehow. That's not going to be pretty when he decides it's not worth keeping his pain hidden away.
I always thought his habit of provoking arguments could be easily remedied by a romp on a red rug.
Love ya,
Feverish S.