Internet Addiction

Today I am thankful that my ex has an internet addiction. 

So, if you know me you know that I live with my ex.  You know that he lives in the basement and that I have my own bedroom on the third floor of our suburban home.  

His mother spread lies about me around Thanksgiving of 1999.  Due to her stories, he basically quit talking to me.

The holidays here are hell.  I haven't really celebrated them since 1999.

He freaks out whenever I leave, so I've stayed.  .  

By freak out, I mean threaten to kill people, driving like a monster, and punching holes in walls.  

He went into therapy in 2001 and I thought it would do him a world of good.  

It hasn't.  

In April of 2006, he came home from spending a day with his mother and called me his ex.  He moved into the basement.  I've been alone since then.    

I've been trying to divorce him since that day.  Within a month of my retaining council, he lost his job.  

I've stayed to help him find work.  I'd go to networking events and parties with him.  It took five years for him to get hired.  

When he found his job, he took every penny we had and threw it into his 401K.  I got stalked and was forced to quit my job.  My car hasn't run.  The phones don't work.  His bill collectors are terrorizing me.  My life has been hell due to the stalkers and bill collectors. 

He filed bankruptcy on Friday.  It was either that or the lawyer we hired would have been disbarred.

I threatened her.  

I have powerful frenemies.  If I file bankruptcy, they can discredit me when I get a little too close to sharing the truth of their stupid conspiracies.  

It's a win-win.  

Now, I can get on with my life.  I can go back to working online without having bill collectors tweet me or leave me so many voice mails that they take up all my time answering them.

I was sad to see the credit report.  My portion of the debt was very little.  I can possibly pay it back after the dust settles.  It's a karma thing with me.  I was happy to see that my credit score was actually in the good range despite the problems.  

I don't understand my ex.  

He's begging.  He's pleading.  He wants me to stay with him.  

He needs a mother.  

I can't do that.  I want a man to love.  I don't have that here.  

There is no intimacy whatsoever.  

I am realizing that sexless marriages are a tad bit tough on the self-esteem.  

I feel incredibly ugly and don't understand what the men that hit on me see.  

I figure that I must attract men who need glasses.  I don't know.  

I get so depressed that I forget to eat.  I only realized on Friday that this is why I have vertigo.  Apparently, low potassium causes vertigo and fainting.  This is something that started in August of 2008.

I ran into my high school sweetheart that month.  He told me that I was pretty.  He told me that I should take a risk and get out of my situation.  He said that I could always find someone to share my life with.  It made me sad because it directly contradicted everything that I had been told since 1999.

The weird thing is that I didn't breathe a word about the situation to him.  He just knew I was in pain.

I think he short circuited my brain that day.  I had my first bout with vertigo upon walking away from him that day.  I ended up in the emergency room two days later.

This has been going on for four years now.

On Thursday, my vertigo was so bad that my ex nearly took me to the hospital.  I got sick.  I started sweating heavily to the point my clothes were incredibly damp and I fainted.  I managed to make my way to my bedroom but later that day he told me that he was afraid to check on me for fear of finding me dead.

He went out and bought me Gatorade and bananas after being told that my issue was low potassium.  I know he cares but I don't believe that this man loves me at all.

He's not a bad person.  I'm just not sure that this relationship is right for either one of us.

Tonight my ex was telling me to stay.  

I told him I'm alone.  

He argued with me.  I can't be alone, he posits, because he doesn't want me to feel alone.  

He goes on to say that he didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore, I don't hurt.

The logic of narcissists....it is so insane that it hurts.  

After a few rounds of this, he walked off without saying a word, leaving me to sob. 

I guess there was something fun for him to do on the internet.  You know, him walking off like that isn't a bad thing.  It shows me what he really thinks of me.  

I'm nothing to him.  

Listen....men....if you want to save your marriages....

sleep with your wives. 

More importantly.....

never.....ever....leave her to cry herself to sleep.  

Don't drag out your silent tantrums for thirteen years.  I don't know how to fix this as it has gone on far too long.  

I only want to leave without bankrupting him.  I guess it is too late for that.  I don't want to leave him broke and living off of nothing due to alimony.

The problem is that I get stalked when I go to school or work and it makes it hard to make a living.  The cops claim it is him.  He claims it is his sister.  His sister does brag about stalking me but I don't know if she is doing it at the request of my ex or if she just has nothing better to do with her time than annoy the hell about of me.

I have no clue why anyone would waste the time of day following me around.  I'm nobody!

I'm a nobody in severe pain.  

I'm angry with myself because I started to get feelings for a friend of mine.  We cut each other off.  I fear hurting him and I think he's angry at me because I'm still in the midst of drama.  

He's a great guy.  He doesn't drive, so I have driven him a couple of places.  He's pretty calm when I'm speeding down the highway and nearly rear end big rigs.  He just sweetly asks me if I see all those pretty lights shining really super close.  Since I don't want to eat metal, I hit the brakes.

He doesn't rage or threaten.  He just looks at me like I'm insane.

I think he hid money in my car.  I just found it today.  I guess I can go out and buy some potassium supplements so I don't faint anymore.  

He really is a wonderful human being.

Wow...

I think my feelings for him are depressing me more than anything else.  A man came forward to offer me the one thing that my heart wanted and I am terrified of hurting him.  So I avoid him and anything associated with him.  I hate seeing confusion in his face.  It hurts too much to see it.

Maybe he has found a new love interest by now.  I know he was playing the field.  Smart men do that.  

I will nix the Christmas gift.  I wanted to buy them movie passes.  He has the most beautiful laugh and the first time I heard it was at a theater.  I wish the world could hear it more often.  

I really do not know what to do.  I'm very close to moving out of the city.  

I can't think of another way to get away.  

I'm sure everything will work out.  

It has to work out.  

Love ya, 

S.