Skip to main content

Confusion

Today I am thankful for confusion because it is a sign and a signal that something is screwed up.

I tried to go one Christmas without arguing with the guy in the basement.  I really, honestly tried. 

We made it until midnight without harsh words.  So, technically, we made it through a Christmas without a fight. 

We don't really fight.  It is more like one of us expressing a concern and the other person saying that no problem exists. 

Tonight it was my fault.  I told him that I was terrified that I was going to cheat on him.  It would be nice to actually end our marriage, or failing that, ending the ambiguity about our relationship.  I haven't been with a guy for....gasp...years!

He said 'I know'. 

That's it.  He knows.  There is no solution.  Nothing...

I went on to say that it would be nice to put an end to the stalking. 

He knows. 

It would be nice for me to be able to hold a job. 

He knows. 

It would be nice to know if I should unpack or pack. 

He knows. 

Oh, goodness, we went on for ninety minutes like that. 

I was frustrated. 

I am frustrated. 

I think I'm attracting a couple of guys into my life who would be willing to help me stop feeling so frustrated. 

I decided that I should stay away from men, even if they are witty, funny and have their names printed on my underwear.   

Darn....

Merry Kissmass,

S.







Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor hi...
Read more

Confused Terror

Today I am thankful for forensic research.   I am realizing that my danger has not passed.  Steve wants me to move beyond the stalking.  I try.  I research it.  I delve into case studies.  I read too much.  How can I feel safe again? And, again it comes down to rage, anger, power, and the need to control another human being.  Stalkers tend to have had a previous relationship with their victims and do not want to let go of said relationship.  Then, I realize that I have my ex-husband living in my basement who daily tells me that Steve has everything he (meaning my ex) wants.  Then I feel sick and scared.  90% of stalkers have the ability to coerce their families into stalking for them.  I get more afraid.  Am I allowing the enemy close access?  Do I have to change up the divorce agreement, sell the house and move out of state?  I also am learning that most incide...
Read more