Today I am thankful for Valerian.
I'm a stressed out nervous wreck.
I need to find a way to leave this mess. I'm supposed to wait for the latest legal saga to end before going ahead with terminating the legal marriage. He ran up our credit cards while lying to me about his salary. He promised that if I stayed with him and helped him find a job, he'd help the divorce along. The day he got his job, he allegedly took all of the money and threw it in his 401K. He stopped paying the bills.
I found out six weeks later when I was looking at taking a public speaking job at a local university. I couldn't pass the credit check. My suspicion was confirmed when a bill collector called me on Valentine's Day to tell me that I was two months past due on my payment.
He claimed that he's filed for bankruptcy. I can't find the case online. I think he's dragging his feet.
I'm not even sure he's filed the paperwork.
I tried talking to him last night.
I'm stuck here until something moves. I need to fix a couple things before getting a job. I need to fix the credit mess and I need to put an end to the stalking.
I explained to him that I'd like to hold a job before filing for divorce, lest the courts hand me 40% of his income. He won't be left with enough money to make the mortgage payment. We have a lot of equity in the house. If we miss a payment, we can kiss tens of thousands of dollars good-bye.
That would be stupid.
One of us should move out but that would require some communciation.
I'm afraid that if I find a job while living in this house, I'm inviting the stalker to harass me at my new job. He claims his sister is behind the stalking. I think he is behind it. If he knows where I work, I'm toast. Either he'll stalk me or tell his sister where to find me. It's best that I keep my wherabouts from him.
He admits to doing things to make it impossible for me to work such as meddling with the car or hiding the gas money. He admits to making messes for me at home and making it hard for me to leave the house. He won't admit to stalking me.
This relationship is like a twenty-one year mind-f`ck.
I want to leave but I am responsible for nearly every aspect of family life here. I cook, I clean, I pick up the kids from school, help them with the homework, make sure they practice their musical instruments and put them to bed. If I move out, I want to make sure these things are being done.
I'm supposed to stay.
He expects me to stay.
He will not leave.
The conversation devolved into yelling. I started sobbing. He went into the basement. I sat there confused as ever. I cried myself to sleep and wake up with a raging migraine.
I tried talking to him again tonight.
I need to meet with my lawyer.
What does he want?
Does he want the house?
Does he want me to fix it up to sell why I'm waiting for the courtcase to go through?
What does he want?
He's pleading with me to stay.
I can't.
I do not feel that it is an option any longer.
He called me his ex in April of '07. He said we could have a 'fake marriage'. He told me to see other people. He has recently said that he knew I didn't have the heart to cheat, so he felt safe telling me that.
I started taking classes so I could learn work skills in '07. He was fired in '08 by the city. I only recently learned that part of it was because he was leaving work to pick me up from school. I wasn't aware he was picking me up from school. I think he was stalking me.
He found full time work in February of this year. I was afraid to leave him homeless, so I decided to stay until he found work. I had thought that he was filling his time working on a part-time basis. He made it sound like the bills were covered and the made much more than he was.
He now says that he lied to me and covered our bills by raiding our IRA. He also says that he lied to me when he said he put all our money in his 401K. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Trusting him is stupid on my part.
I need to go.
If not for the financial mess, I need to leave due to the emotional mess that I have become. I feel ugly. I don't know how to describe it. I find myself picking apart my appearance. I mean, I must be disgusting, fat, gross, smelly or ugly for a guy to treat me this badly. Something must be wrong with me. I must be the most unattractive woman on the planet.
Since '00, he's slept apart from me due to lies his mother tells about me. He's had his own bedroom since '06-'07. I remember being embarrassed when an old friend from high school visited me prior to our 20th reunion. He went into the basement to set up a used computer that I bought from him so I could finish my master's thesis. He asked me who lived in the spare room and looked at me like I was crazy when I told him.
He's right. I am crazy for putting up with this situation for far too long.
This must have been prior to '05. I graduated that year. This has been going on so long that I can't remember when it started.
I need to leave. I just don't trust the legal system. I want to play fair.
I don't want to screw this guy over like he's screwed with me. I don't want to kick him out of his own house. I don't want to have him come home one day and find nothing here.
Why can't we end this in an orderly fashion?
We can't end this in an orderly fashion because he is in denial.
He's got everything he wants. He's happy with our relationship.
I don't even consider it a relationship at all.
I'm lonely.
I had a single friend tell me the other day that she will not spend another winter alone. She then stated that I had no clue what it was like sleeping alone in the dead of winter.
Her statement is really hurting me.
Why does she assume that I have a partner? She's never met him.
I'd get more action if I were double my body weight and single.
I'm self-medicating again. Valerian takes away my pain. It keeps me from shaking but it stinks to high heaven.
I am afraid to go out in public after taking that stuff.
At least I know I won't be tempted by anyone to cheat anymore. I'll smell too bad.
Valerian smells like stinky feet but it fixes anxiety better than Xanax. When I get anxious, I get vertigo. This keeps my attacks at bay.
I don't know what to do.
I may ask for some prayers now. May the creator help me get the heck out of here without making this guy turn into a homocidal monster. He seems nice to everyone else but he has moments where he scares the heck out of me. For all the fear I have for him, his sister and brother scare me even more.
Yikes.....
Love ya,
S.