Potential Personality Disorder Diagnosis

Today I am thankful that someone I know has a label.  

I've been trying to leave an abusive relationship for several years.  I couldn't understand him.  For years, he was more concerned with what other people thought about him than our relationship.  

I'm supposed to put on a good show.  

For over a decade, he defined our relationship as a fake marriage.  

He told me yesterday that his therapist suspects Narcissistic Personality disorder and thought about referring him to get an MMPI.  An MMPI is a personality test.  It is not infallible and it is not concrete but it can give people a starting point in defining why one has difficulties relating to others. 

He told me that his therapist pointed out that that he could only see his own perspective and is incapable of understanding the perspective, needs, desires, and goals of other people.  

He also told me that his therapist noticed that he twitches when he is asked to talk about other people, most notably me.  This is why they suspect a traumatic brain injury.  

He told me that he twitches when he fights away his urge to rage and ends up censoring what he says.  

This is not a TBI.  It IS narcissism!!  

I'm terrified now.   

This is an interesting development.  

First, it is interesting in that it explains a heck of a lot.  It explains why he thinks I didn't need pain medication after going into labor after a severe car crash; he was tired and thought I would just sleep!  He flippin' raged at me for asking.  

There are other situations but the one above illustrates narcissism quite nicely.  

It also explains the stalking.  The stalking is to keep me under his control.  It explains the financial control and the lying.  This diagnosis explains everything quite nicely.  

I have an amazing friend who is a psychiatrist.  He is very close to the first family in the city in which I live.  It is truly a small world, isn't it? 

My psychiatrist buddy is really kind to me.  He gives me career advice.  He does his best to keep me grounded in reality and looking outside of the false reality I have in this relationship.  

I spent yesterday morning with him.  We went to breakfast and spoke of personality disorders.  I never told him about my estranged spouse's suspected NPD.  

He told me that sometimes when people are living in severe conditions, such as being a prisoner of war, they can test high for psychopathology (e.g. narcissism).  In some instances, being unempathic can be a survival mechanism.  

I wonder if this can be true of a man whose mother uses guilt to manipulate.  I mean, if you grow up with a mom who is constantly making you feel guilty for going to college, dating girls, or not giving her your entire paycheck - could this make one a narcissist?  

I know he was the golden child.  He was the boy who could do no wrong, except when he told her that he was interested in me.  He recently confided that he was taught that he should always get what he wants.  If I don't give him what he wants, he'll rage at me.

It's a good thing that physical conditions make nakedness together an impossibility.  

Perhaps someday I can study whether or not narcissism can be transitory.  It is a novel concept for me.  In shrink school, it tends to be taught as a permanent condition.  

The pending diagnosis gives me a template for dealing with my estranged spouse.  Everything I need has to be couched in terms of how it can be of benefit for him.  

Thus instead of saying 

"I need to work because I like to buy food for the kids." 

I need to say 

"If I work, you don't have to pay me alimony." 

-or- 

"If you let me finish my Ph.D., I will be forced to pay YOU alimony." 

I'm working on it.  

Sigh...

I'm really angry at myself for getting sucked back into my ex's life.  I have feelings for another man and only today realized that may have feelings for me.  It was easier when I thought he wasn't interested.

Now I'm worried about him. 

I offended him.  

Do you know how? 

I made a Facebook posting that was a slap in his face.  

He made three comments on it....within minutes of each other.  Other men made kind comments about it.  One suggested an attraction but my friend's comments were the ones that made me emotional.

Yes, there is one guy who actually makes an effort to find something funny in my dry humor.  Yes, this guy does laugh at the rare gem.  Yes, there is one guy who tried to be romantic towards me but we always get together right about the time my world falls apart.

I know he tried to give me what I craved yet I backed away.  I don't know what to do.  

His way of asking me if I was available was to ask if he could take a picture of me messing around with my lover in order to cause a scandal in the press.  I wanted a scandal because I was tired of playing politics but, alas, I honestly have no partner for those kind of photos.  My scandal would have to be less....sexy.  

My lack of a partner does not convey availability.  Narcissists are scary dudes.  His family is scarier.  I want to be far, far away or make sure he moves on before I bring another man into my life.  I do not want anyone else to be in the line of fire.  

I've got to get away from the drama.  

There are two ways to do this....

I can move far, far away....

-or- 

I can pray my ex finds a hotter girlfriend.  

My attitude is that if it were meant to me between myself and my friend, it would be easier for me to disentangle myself from the present situation.  Since I have been unable to do so, maybe it isn't meant to be.  

That hurts.  

It doesn't mean I haven't noticed his efforts.  I just don't know how to respond to them.

I can't drink alcohol anymore.  It numbs me too much, so that I can't pray for my friend's happiness.  I don't eat so much sugar.  I don't notice other men.  I really want to clean up my life now.

I even want a car that won't scare the wits out of my friend.  I'm also saving money up for a new pair of glasses, so I will actually see him the next time he's hunting for me in a parking lot.

My daughter told me that it was nice having an adult male actually listen to her.  She was tickled to learn that there was animation software out there.  I'm glad they met.  I think it changed her life.

I wish I could clean up my mess.

The worst thing is that some guy offered me a little money to go into the studio and do some voice overs for him.  He told me that I was needed and he wanted to help me.  I've been trying to work past the stuffed up sensation in my nose for crying so much.  It slows me down as I have to edit out the sniffles.

Thank goodness for sudafed.

I've got to get back to the studio.  

Love ya, 

S.