Anorexia

Today I am thankful for being a former anorexic. 

When I was a teen I suffered a bout of anorexia following my modeling experience.  I think I actually ate more than the other girls.  I had a 500 calorie per day diet. 

My high school sweetheart took matters into his own hands.  After school he asked me to take him out to eat every night and always shared what I bought him.  Back then, I figured that he was growing and always hungry.  Now, I realize that he did that for me. 

In fact, to this very day, we still fall into old patterns.  He will only meet with me in restaurants.  He will quiz me about what I ate.  He will still offer me food from his fork or chopsticks.  We both recoil in horror when we realize that we've fallen into the same old arguments.

That poor, poor man. 

Now my old friend would give me gifts of vitamins and protein powder.  These have served me well over the years.  To this day, it is a habit.  I have protein bars stored in case of catastrophes and a few pounds of soy protein powder in the kitchen.  When I forget to eat or know that I won't have time to eat, protein shakes are my food of choice. 

This appears to bother my old friend to no end.

I don't know what the hell is going on in my personal life.  I'm supposed to wait to file for a divorce until my estranged spouse files for bankruptcy.  The clerk says that it hasn't happened yet. 

I was ready.  I had an income.  I had an office.  I found an apartment.  Then he dropped the bankruptcy bomb.  Then he found a job keeping him away from the house and the kids, so I ended up staying here with them so they would be taken care of.  Then the stalking got bad and I had to give up my office.  Then all the money went missing. 

It's like I trusted him and he violated that trust.  I tried to help him and he screwed me over. 

I can't stand the stalking.  I don't mind the idiots approaching me in public.  I hate how they (and I say they even though a majority of time it is my sister-in-law) approach third parties with their malicious gossip and threats.  That is what scares me. 

My sister-in-law brags about it.  This is how I know it is her.  She'll call me or her brother with details of the events.  Sometimes I'll know about the stalking.  Other times I won't know until she says something and I'll ask other people if they were approached by her and find out that they were. 

This last time, though, she didn't brag at all.   I was with my high school sweetheart.  It was insane.  I sat there with him and my ex called to leave a message asking if I was okay because he had the feeling something was going to happen. 

The cops say that this is proof that he is behind the stalking. 

My old friend, as rugged as he is, had to visit me despite having a full leg cast.  So, being the opposite of what he typically allows, I walked him to his car.  It was upon him driving away that the stalker approached me. 

Then, I later found out, he hassled people in my office building.  He was holding my picture and demanding private information about me.  He was reportedly barging into other offices and going through the things on their desks.  He was going on about religion. 

My sister-in-law claims that I am not Christian and guilty of trying to force people to change their faith.  Do you want to guess how many times she's been in a church in her life? 

This terrifies me.  I do not know the man.  He was tall.  He had dark eyes and black hair.  He had a face similar to my estranged spouse. 

I don't know who it is. 

The cops say it was a proxy put in place by my estranged spouse to make sure I wasn't cheating. 

I wish I knew the truth. 

Everything is so weird. 

I have no money for food for myself or the kids. 

I can't understand how in the heck this happened. 

I'm going to look hot when this is over.  Well, maybe not.  My hair looks like crap as does my skin but my figure is going to be much thinner. 

I don't feel hunger pain; this is probably a remnant of those years I battled anorexia.  I have a ton of vitamins and soy protein powder.  I'm good to go.  If it gets really bad, I'll just start making the kids protein powder bread or cakes to keep them going until we can get some funds for food. 

These are the days when I am grateful for my high school sweetheart.  He seems to regret teaching me about alternatives to food.  He has chastized me over it at least once in recent years.  I wish he would realize that in times of crisis, it makes my life easier.

The stalking is really weighing heavily on my mind. 

I know that the stalking is supposed to intimidate me into staying with my estranged spouse.  If I don't do what he wants he threatens to kill himself, he sulks, he yells and he scares the holy heck out of me.  I am literally terrified that he'll kill the kids. 

Maybe I should stay with him.  I'll never have sex again because he wants a mother not a wife but at least the kids are still breathing.  Maybe I need to just suck it up longer despite the obvious pain I am in. 

I wish divorce courts understood domestic violence.  We will not be safe unless we can get away from this guy or he gets some serious help. 

I've been looking for work.  I cannot take any of the jobs I've been offerred thus far.  The employers (two of them) are violating IRS rules about independent contractors.  It's probably best that I not fall for that scam right now.  

They want me to pay several hundred dollars to train me to do the work.  Then they want me to pay my own social security tax and health insurance.  I know why they are doing this.  It is due to Obamacare.  I am certain that we are going to see more of this is the coming months.  The problem, though, is that by directly providing the training they cannot classify me as an independent contractor and this is what puts them in violation of the law.  There will be a lawsuit eventually and I don't want to grow to depend on an income ripped from me by litigation.  This is one of those things that Libertarians like to fight about; government regulations are always destroying income opportunities for the people. 

Maybe I can fight about it when my life gets a little less surreal. 

I'm also very angry at myself for letting myself get feelings for a friend. I don't know what to do.   I wanted to buy him a few movie passes so he could hang out with his daughter.  Any recordings I sell will probably go to food now.  He seems to like movies.

He's the only person in the world that makes me feel comfortable.  Isn't that weird?  When he's around, the shaking is gone.  I feel safe.  I feel understood. 

I'm surprised he hasn't found anyone new by now.  Men like that shouldn't be alone.  It hurts too bad to be alone.  Maybe the universe will gift him a beautiful and available soulmate this Christmas. 

I'm going to steady myself.  My estranged spouse is going to be around the house for the next seven days.  He's taking a vacation.  I'm hoping that it will buy me time to leave for awhile to look for a job. 

It may not.  He may spend that time sleeping in and arguing about crap. 

Heaven help us. 

All I want for Christmas is my ex getting his dream job and a new lady love......in another state. 

Pray for us. 

Love ya,

S.