FOO Fighters

Today I am thankful for therapy:  It helped me work on my Family of Origin Issues (FOO).

Yes....I am being silly with the above video. When I was studying social work as a young lady, I would sing this song silently to myself during lectures about family dynamics while imagining food flinging during Thanksgiving dinners and couples arguing over the direction of the toilet paper hanging in the bathroom.  Yes, many of us come from families that put the fun in dysfunctional.

 

On a more serious note, it does seem like may people are fighting those dysfunctional demons past down from their parents. 

 

If they don't fight them off,

if they don't examine them,
and don't understand them,

then, they are doomed to repeat them. 

 

 

The sad truth is that this video may be more appropriate.   I think this song captures the chaotic darkness of family of origin dysfunction pretty well.   Thank goodness the lyricist figured out that what (s)he was enduring was NOT normal. 

 

That probably saved his or her life.  There are quite a bit of people walking around among us who don't know that is not normal to have sex with their kids, beat their kids, abuse their wives and that kind of thing. 

 

 

 

 

 

What is FOO? 

 

FOO is an acronym for Family Of Origin issues.  There are various situations where a child can grow up with unhealthy boundaries that will intrude upon his or her future relationships. 

 

• growing up with mentally ill or addicted parents (addictions could be sex, work, alcohol, drugs and other things), 
• witnessing domestic violence,
• being subjected to child abuse or neglect,
• growing up without a parent (either through death, parental alienation, or absconsion),
• and various other issues that cause children to learn skewed ways of relating to other people. 

 It is difficult when children grow up learning unhealthy boundaries.  For those who grew up in a home where abuse was rampant (say dad abusing mom), they could grow up with the mindset that such abuse is normal.  They typically won't see such behavior as abusive -but- normal. 

Such children could grow up believing that men are allowed to take control of women and lash out at them.  They could believe that it is something that women tolerate and accept the blame for.

They learn these lessons very early in life.  These lessons become a part of their character.  In such a situation, a male child risks becoming an abuser while a female risks becoming a victim.   That can change if each child learns healthy boundaries.

In this situation, the male must learn that it is NOT okay to expect his needs to be met at the expense of other people.  Love does NOT mean putting up with abuse.  Seriously.....sometimes love means taking time away to heal your own stuff so that you can protect others. 

The female must learn that her needs count, too.  Love does NOT mean putting up with abuse. 

Yes...I do know of families where the opposite occurred where boys were grown into co-dependent caretakers while the women drew into rude, psychopathic narcissists. 

******

A child who is sown into a garden full of weeds is going to have to undertake a lot of weeding before growing into his or her full potential.

This is where therapy comes in.  One can choose to be a link in a chain and continue the family tradition of bondage and slavery -or- one can weed his or her garden, learn to deal effectively with the lessons of the past so that (s)he can transform into a transitional character. 

A transitional character is the person who changes the generational pattern of abuse within a family.  It is the person who changes things and demonstrates to the others what life can really be like.   This is the person who proves that change can happen.   This is the person who fought the FOO and WON!

This puts me in mind of the four minute mile, something that was deemed impossible until 1954.  Once Roger Bannister proved it possible, many other runners were able to do so within weeks.  Sometimes....all it takes is one person to show us what is possible. 

Be that person. 

Now, there are a couple of points here....

blame does no one any good.  Everyone has an excuse for his or her behavior.  As my step-father used to quip

"Excuses are like asses: Everyone has one but no one wants any more."

Blame won't get anyone anywhere.  It'll just keep you running in place.  If you want to make it to the finish line intact, you've got to work through the trauma.  You must gain an awareness of the pattern and integrate this new perspective into your behavior. 

Guys, you can't just pretend to understand and then go back to yelling at your wife and children.  Ladies, you can't continue to put up with your controlling husband's crap. 

You need more than insight.  You've got to interrupt the pattern with new behaviors!

*****

I will not be with any abusive man.  I don't care if someone has been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury or a personality disorder.  There is only so much a person can take.  I have decided that I will not accept an abusive man back, unless he works through his FOO issues. 

"Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe,

 so basically a clown ninja."

- Some Meme Somewhere

I don't want a ninja clown.  I want a successful FOO Fighter!  

I feel badly for leaving these men but I cannot deal with their crap.  I need to stay safe.  I need to stay sane.  Yes, I know I made a promise to love these guys -but- I never promised to put up with their shit. 

Life is hard enough without someone making problems where none should exist. 

Don't be a rain-maker. 

Be a sturdy, stable boat. 

Love ya,

S.