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The Impact of Gaslighting: Confidence Erosion



Today I am thankful that the ratio of assholes to kind people in my life is around 1 in 50. 

I am also thankful for the insight of a former supervisor, a local politician and my current supervisor.

I found my dream job.  This job was one I wanted since I was seventeen years old.  I've always wanted to work on a suicide hotline.  It started after I was sexually assaulted and didn't where to turn.

I always wanted to be like the voice on the other end of the line.

*****

A little over a year ago, I lost my job and went to a political meeting to complain about my neighbors being evicted and made homeless over the parking in front of my home.  I mentioned to the man who would become mayor that I had time to engage in politics because I had no job and thought that a volunteer gig would keep me out of trouble.

He suggested that I consider getting a job on a crisis line.  I never thought they paid.  He told me that they did.

Of course, I'm a dolt.  I didn't believe him.  As a single mom not getting child support, I needed money so I put it off.

Now, of course, I owe the taxpayers at least $2,700.00 so I started to look into ways I can volunteer to pay it back, so to speak.  I don't really owe the money, it was a gift from the taxpayers because I'm poor.  The city paid to cut down a tree on the property line.

I may be cash poor but there are things I can offer.

A decent human being will strive to pay it back.

I liked the idea of working on a crisis line so much, that I went back to school to brush up on my skills.  I should finish with my classes by mid-January.

Enter the perfect job, answering calls on a crisis line.

It pays less than what I make now at my temp job.  I only get 24 hours per week (which is better than the 18 I'm promised at the health care company I work at now).

If I hold the job for two years, I will be able to sit for the Addiction Counselor Licensure examination.

When I read of that job, I reached out to three of my former supervisors at call centers and a psych professor and asked for references.

I am lucky that they all agreed.

*****
Now, last week, I had to contact my ex to ask permission to get our kiddo a counselor.  During the divorce, I agreed to give him joint custody and it is illegal for me to get her psychiatric care without his permission.

This has opened up a barrage of hateful emails which, basically, call me mentally ill for talking about his family's stalking.  They've been harassing me since 1992. I didn't call it stalking until 2011, after one of my ex's relatives roughed up the billing clerk at my office building.

He told me that I had no evidence of the stalking and that I was making it all up.  He told me that the proof was that I didn't get a restraining order.

He went on and on telling me that I'm insane and that no one believes me.  He went on to state that he plans on cutting the child support further.  He also stated that he wouldn't see the kids because of my "allegations of stalking" and that I needed to have them call him between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm on days they are in school (it is NOT going to happen).

I think I'm being set up to be accused of parental alienation.

It's now to the point where I have to take out a $5,000 loan to hire an attorney to deal with his abuse.

A strange thing happened when he started to criticize me.  I started to doubt my reality.

I literally had to find the box where I stored the threatening phone messages and letters from his family.

I had to make sure that I still had the depositions from the city where the attorney stated he took time off from work to pick me up (how he knew where I would be is bizarre).

I had to make sure I had documentation from the therapists, names of police officers, emails from my insurance company, pictures, the cameras that I had recording the area around my computers, various screenshots of his computer attaching itself to my computers, my phone records and the numerous other things that I had collected over the years.

I nearly wrote to the psychiatrist friend who was with me when my ex watched us drink coffee in 2009.  I don't think Tom remembers the two people watching us eat lunch on 1-11-11 (Doug and Shannon - my sister-in-law and her fiancée).  I doubt Steve will vouch for Shannon watching us drink tea on 11-26-13.

Thankfully, there are other people.

I can always find my former office mates, too.  I'm sure there is still documentation in my educational file from graduate school documenting Shannon trying to get a job in the psychology department circa 2002 to "force [me] to talk to her."  I probably still have the email of one of my professors warning me.  Of course, the other professor still lives across the street from me.

I'm not sure if the DA's office still has information pertaining to my internship and harassment by my ex's friend while I was working (how his friend knew I worked there is beyond me....okay, my ex told his friend...this friend murdered his infant daughter so I did not want to talk to him and risk him getting away with it - he managed to get away with murder....sadly).

My family has been around for quite a bit of it.  I know they can describe his relatives following us around on numerous occasions.

I know what happened.  He knows what happened.  If he doesn't understand how transparent it is, all I have to do is remind the judge that he refused to move out of my home for 3 years, 2 months and 5 days after he was court ordered to leave despite numerous attempts at mediation and notices posted on the door.

If that doesn't say obsessive stalker, I really don't know what does.

That is part of our divorce record.  After that bs, I KNOW he was behind all of the stalking (especially after he admitted to telling his cousin where to find me and learning that she shared it with the rest of the family).

The only reason I didn't get a restraining order against him is that I didn't want to be accused of custody interference.  If the emails don't stop and if the harassment ensues, I may have to get one.

Sad, isn't it?

******

I am finding myself questioning everything that I do.  I double check the clock to make sure I'm on time.  I re-read instructions to make sure I'm not messing up.  It's as though I do not trust myself.

My current supervisor called me out on it.

A former supervisor mentioned that I lacked confidence while my ex was in my house.

That was a light bulb moment.

I can't afford my ex's bs any more.  I really shouldn't have to endure harassment when I'm trying to honor the court orders.

I'd rather not have to hire an attorney and get a restraining order.

Right now, I have to find $700 for school testing fees for the kids.  I really don't have time or money to engage his baloney.

*******

That is an interesting insight, isn't it?  Abusers and gaslighters cause us to doubt our reality and then, in turn, cause us to lose our confidence.

Sigh.....

There is no reason to tolerate crap from any one.  I should be glad he's far away because if he's engaging in mind-fuckery with me, just imagine what he'd do to the kids.

I'm back to interviewing attorneys and looking for a second mortgage to pay the legal fees.

This is insane.

Stay away from abusers.  They do you no good.  We are responsible for our own happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness.  If they claim you're a bad person or if they blame you for their own shenanigans, get away from them and let them find someone else to pin their bad behavior on.

The further you get away from an asshat, the more clarity you will receive about the situation.

Love ya,

S.



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