Don't fear the darkness. The darkness helps us appreciate the light.
Today I am thankful that I still embrace my anger and remember my fear.
Don't take advice from Muppets.
Sure, fear and anger leads to suffering. Many people who suffer and work through it want to prevent others from suffering, too.
Today I was reminded of something I have to do in this city that is left undone.
I haven't solved the issue of the police ignoring stalking victims.
Yes. I've felt fear. I've been upset, anxious and freaked out so much that I'm probably too cool now. I'm told I have a calming influence.
It's true. Nothing freaks me out any more. I don't think anything can compare to the experiences I've had from my ex-husband and his family.
This is why I learned to shoot.
I will never feel helpless again.
Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.
In my mind, fear is the beginning of a journey. It gives you strength to right a wrong.
If one is going to take advice from a fictional Sci Fi Character, I'd prefer the words uttered by Peter Capaldi's Dr. Who.
Fear makes you stronger.
Sure, fear often leads to anger.
Anger makes you act.
INFJs like to act to prevent injustice.
A little over a week ago, my ex sent me taunting emails claiming that I was lying about the stalking. I showed them to a couple of lawyers who each suggested a restraining order. I may have to do that.
Ugh.....
I never did that before because I don't trust the judicial system. Without police reports, judges don't often give permanent restraining orders. In family court, restraining orders are seen with suspicion.
I don't want to be accused of parental alienation. I know the game. Guys will demand visitation with very little notice on times that are not typically in the visitation schedule. They may do this once or twice every few years. If they are asked for child support, they'll point to the one or two times they do this and cry "parental alienation."
I'm being set up for that now.
I fear a restraining order will only embolden my ex to make that claim against me.
Thankfully, I no longer delete the creepy emails.
I don't feel sorry for my ex. I see the game.
I'm not sure I'm angry at him.
I'm very thankful I got away.
I had a therapist tell me a long time ago that 'one doesn't know the truth until one gets away from the narcissist.'
This was echoed years later by an Aurora cop. As much as the police here don't like to take stalking reports, they are incredibly astute. I had one tell me to get my ex out of my house. That officer was right, once he left it would be easy to see through the ruse.
******
Today I'm taking a post graduate course on women and trauma. The homework was to look up Colorado stalking laws.
I heard myself utter for the entire class to hear. Sadly, laws are only as strong as the police who fail to enforce them.
Sigh.....
I was reminded of the numerous times I called the police when my sister-in-law or her boyfriend harassed me in public. The police blamed my ex-husband but refused to take reports.
They claimed he was messing with my head.
They told me to get a restraining order.
Without a police report, I couldn't do that.
I wasn't pissed off until I met another woman in the same situation and ran to the victim's advocates office angry as hell. I can understand why the police don't want to take reports from an anti-tax advocate.
I didn't understand why they didn't want to take reports from her.
I yelled.
I had someone at the police department call me back. I told her that I'd give this woman her name and ask that she call her. If I heard of another case, I'd go public with my story.
It was only then they offered to help me. By that time, I'd hired a private attorney to help me solve the problem. It cost $10,000 to get this guy away from me.
The woman saw me three days later and told me that the police finally took a report. Her stalker was arrested and she was taking the opportunity to change her life - she lost her home and her job. She was safe.
Here is the thing that makes me angry....
I shouldn't have had to complain!
They should have taken a report.
Maybe I need to jump back in the game and raise awareness of the issue despite my ex's attempts to shut me up.
Someone has to speak out.
Not everyone can put a pentagram on her doorstep to keep the stalkers at bay.
*****
The anger is where I get my energy.
I may as well put it to good use.
I find it to be quite empowering.
Perhaps I should look for ways to solve the problem of uneducated police officers and idiotic lawmakers who think that if a law is written; police will enforce it.
Yeah....there is a woman's bathroom lurking male Democrat representing Englewood who argued with me over that. He believes police will enforce all the stalking laws. He's lucky he's never been on the receiving end of a stalker or abuser. If he had, he'd know better.
Sigh.....I learned a long time ago that people in power live by different rules than the rest of us. There will be a day when he won't be so powerful, he'll be on the receiving end of the horrible laws he's put forth.
It's up to the rest of us to educate him before he sees the impact of his stupidity with regard to civilian life. There will be a day when he'll be too old to fix his mistakes.
I need to find a group to fight the crazy lefty gun laws. They only see the kids dying at schools due to their lack of caring enough to help put together a safety plan. Banning guns won't prevent gun shootings at school. We need to look at safety processes in public schools.
The Democrats are too stuck on that trauma to see that gun control leads to genocide. Take it from someone raised by a Cherokee step-father and a German-Jew grandmother.
As they say, those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
.
Love ya,
S.
Next day edit: I was in class and asked to draw trauma from my life. Most of my trauma involved death or severe bodily injury...
murder of my mom...
my step-dad shooting the cat...
my step-dad playing Russian Roulette with my sister and killing himself....
My aunt's cancer that took her life (we were close, I lived with her when I was a toddler)….
My rapist and the downhill spiral of his life which he blamed me for (it was my fault, I told his wife)…
A very short relationship in which I was put in the hospital on a weekly basis....
The only thing sticking in my mind is my ex-husband's abuse and his family's stalking.....
When I drew it, I found myself drawing a police car in front of my house.
Sure.....the police department never wanted to take reports
-but-
two years before it became very frightening,
they stationed police cars outside of my house on a daily basis (between 2009-2010).
I thought it was because I was an activist.
I learned, after the election in 2011, that they station police cars in front of homes of citizens they are worried about. It serves a dual purpose as it gives the police a place to do paperwork and gives a potential victim peace of mind.
It bothered me. There was one day when I spied the police car running and no police around.
I was frightened that something had happened to the officer and called dispatch.
The Sargeant explained that everything was okay. I asked them to stop parking in front of my home.
They've never been here since that day.
I realize now what was going one -
they knew more than I did about the situation based on my ex's employment with the city.
The problem, though, is that he never smacked me around or beat me up.
He hit walls.
He had his family and friends threaten me in public.
When I ignored all of this, they harassed the most vulnerable people in my life (elderly people and clients).
That was when I had to give up my life to keep the peace.
Winning via control is temporary. An abuser cannot keep someone down forever.
Even after I had him removed from the house, I still didn't want to believe my ex was behind it.
With each obnoxious email and court case, the realization that he is behind it became stronger.
I now know that he is having difficulty ceding control.
There are days when.....
I truly want to put some of my forbidden knowledge to use.
I've been fighting that urge for the past week. There is no need for me to hex, curse or wish ill upon a control freak with stalking tendencies. Their own evil behavior will lead them to ruin faster than anything I or any dark ritual could do.
I decided today to simply pray. I pray all of the players see the beauty of the divine within them.
Someday I'll donate money to that former councilwoman who sent me a message. She simply wrote
"I hope better for you."
She may not have been aware of the illegal behavior on the part of the City Attorney's office. She doesn't understand that taxes can have negative implications for the lowest income earners in society and that playing shell games with the general fund cause distrust among citizens.
She's not stupid nor is she uncaring.
With that in mind, I wish the same for her.
Namaste,
Siegfred