Pretending to be Anti-Social

This song has been stuck in my mind all day.  I have no clue why.  The answer will probably arrive in my dreams around 3:33 in the morning.

Today I am thankful that I realize that the more I try to not be myself, the more of my personality tends to leak out.  

Years ago, I started writing down bizarre thoughts that I had.  I used my real name.  One of the thoughts actually made it into another author's book.  Just a line....he sent me a copy. 

I treasure that. 

When the stalking became frightening, I started to use a childhood nickname.  To prove to myself how ludacris the gossip about me was, I began to write as though I were the person in the stories. 

There is an inherent challenge in writing fictional type things.  First, the issue is of the environment.  Environments have to be believable.  For a fictional background to be believable, the environment is the story has to be consistent.  The best way to do that is to model the environment off of real life.  That is what I've done.  

The second challenge is to decide which gossip to include and what to ignore.  I've been accused of crazy crap (threatening my mother-in-law, wanting to kill poor people and all that stuff).  I decided not to include illegal crazy crap because anything so outside of my experience would be unbelievable and I'd have a hard time being consistent with it. 

The witchcraft thing, I ran with that.  It's partially based in truth.  I'm very spiritual but not so stupid as to believe that I could control Demons, Daemons and dark phantoms.   I've been told that people are afraid that I can do that.  It's funny so I put it in. 

If you saw the car I drive and the condition of my home, you'd know I don't have those powers.  Solomon was said to have had power like that - they say the Djinn built him temples. 

I have a beat up old house - so....come to your own conclusions about my power or lack thereof. 

I quickly realized that the stuff of my life was very strange and could easily be put in the story.  It is a tad bit too bizarre to be believed.  This blog (and the three that preceded it) have become a way for me to keep track of frightening events and dates.   I still have trouble believing what happened.

I hope that some of the stuff that I was told is true is actually fiction.  Yes, my hope is to find out that I was lied to about my in-laws dying.  

It's funny to see how much truth ends up in the stupid thing.  My step-father used to tell me that fact is stranger than fiction.

It certainly is. 

******

I started off my day visiting the Native American herbal shop to stock up on supplies for the winter.  Then I went to a new age shop to buy more herbs and inquire about a new office space.  I found myself relating a story about buying a vintage washer in the very spot my mother died.  I had been hunting for a 1970's era Whirlpool without success.  I found one on Craigslist and nearly fainted when the seller gave me the address.

It was in the kitchen where mom first lost consciousness on 02-14-84. 

For the past few weeks, I'm told that the cat will stare at the washing machine.  The cat is beginning to get very attached to me.  The childish part of me wonders if mom is visiting the cat.  

The adult part of me hopes she passed into the light.  

I look exactly like my mom, too.  My uncle faints when he sees me in public.  I used to have an office next door to an office his grandson owned.  Whenever I heard the name "Carol" and an accompanying thud, I knew my uncle was nearby.  

I bought some incense to keep the house peaceful.  I had the thought that I should play some Crystal Gayle and Linda Ronstadt, too.  Mom loved country music.  

The music will probably drive the kids out of the house. 

*****

Life is too short.  

I have decided to stop wishing people happy birthday in the hopes that I will always see them as ageless. 

Yesterday was hard..... I imagine an old friend as living in Paradise, happily married with all the great things life has to offer. 

Sadly, Paradise has burned.  They're expecting rain.  After a fire, rain can lead to mudslides. 

The last place I knew he lived is suffering in smoke.  He has asthma.  

I'm embarrassed to say that over the past two weeks, this guy has had me on my knees more than any other guy at any point in my life.   

I'm serious. 

Thankfully, he'll never know about all of the prayers. 

I wonder what you were thinking? 

Oh.....sadly, I'm too darn busy for that.

It's weird.....once I went six years without it, I find that I really don't miss it any more.

Not having intimacies really gives one quite a bit of time to focus on other things.  

*****

There is so much going on and I don't have enough time to do any of it. 

I had an idea that I brought to my favorite health care company.  I haven't had a chance to research it yet.

I love this company!  They're inspiring me to work on it.  

If they take it off my hands, the idea will belong to them so I probably shouldn't talk about it. 

If they don't, this could very well wind up being my dissertation.

School always changes my personality.  

I think I'm more INTJ than INFJ right now.  That happens when I'm in school.  

I think the technical MBTI term for my personality type is INXJ. 

Sigh.....

On the bright side, when my Thinking function is heightened, I don't have filthy dreams any more. 

I should do more research.! 

*****

Yes, I'm exhausted.  When I'm tired, my writing is choppy.  

There are a couple of other things bugging me.  I should write about triggers and wanting to do something about them. 

There are far too many domestic violence deaths.  The latest one really bothers me.  It is far too close to home.

Far too many abusers are winning custody of their kids and murdering them. 

The more I meditate on my experiences with stalking and domestic violence, the more I think about ways to solve the problem. 

The only thing the libertarian in me is thinking is that it is time to defund the Fatherhood Initiative/Fatherhood.gov.   This is where the funds to pay for my ex's three lawyers to gut his child support came from.  Those lawyers chastised me for caring for our daughter in college.  They also submitted a letter to my attorney stating that my ex was an alcoholic in a  religious rehab center (which is immune from state licensing requirements).  My ex denies being a drinker.  I've never seen him drink -but- that letter is enough to spare him from having to support the kids.

I thought that men couldn't voluntary under employ themselves to stop supporting their kids.  I guess, according to CO-PEP, they can.  Oh, and I don't get the privilege of having a lawyer (or three) provided to me because I'm female.

The government really shouldn't be funding a group that only helps one gender.  Abusers lie.  All they did was give more power to an abusive stalker.  The kids and are I paying for it.  Yeah, it's better to be a single mother in the poor house than a mother in mourning.  I'll eat the financial loss.   Truth be told, I've paid twice as much in legal fees than I have received in child support since we filed for divorce.  If the government is paying for his lawyers, he can fight long and hard.  I have to support the kids so I have to cut my losses.  

I hate to say it, but, the Fatherhood Initiative certainly makes a heck of a lot of excuses for abusers.  I'm hearing stories from lawyers where they are pressured to cave to the demands of deadbeat dads.  One lawyer, lost his license because he wouldn't back down.

The government putting children at risk due to some paternalistic notion not rooted in science? Uh....the taxpayers should not be paying for that.

When these guys gut their child support and the moms and kids wind up on welfare....well...the taxpayers shouldn't be paying for that either.

I've given up on my ex doing the right thing for the kids.  Karma will catch up to him.  

If I can find the time, I'll post. 

When a liberal is triggered, he or she will want to ban free speech and guns. 

When a conservative is triggered, he or she will want to ban personal activities. 

When a libertarian is triggered, he or she will want to gut government funding. 

I've been triggered since I got those rude and abusive emails from my ex-husband. 

Today I thought about sharing information that he'll probably want 20 years from now.  It would save him a heck of a lot of money and provide him current pictures of the kids

-but- 

I don't want him to have another abusive in. 

It's sad when I can't pass along helpful opportunities for freebies (free to him - not me) out of concern he'll start harassing me. 

I wish people could play nice.  

*****

Today was a very strange day.

I think I inadvertently flirted with a single dad today. 

We were at the store. 

I was trying to sneak down the baking aisle to get some stevia sweetener.   There was a man there who was very apologetic.  

He apologized that his cart was supposedly in my way. 

He was on the phone apologizing because he couldn't find the baking powder. 

I realized that I didn't have any baking powder and that the kids would want to bake over the holiday, so I beckoned him to follow me while I reached up on the shelf and grabbed a jar. 

The crap has aluminum in it but I didn't have time to go to the health food store. 

He apologized for taking the jar I offered him! 

Sigh....

I ran around and picked some last minute items: salad, tomatoes, mushrooms, feminine hygiene products, cinnamon rolls (yeah....I know)…..ice cream....(yes....that's even worse)…..diet soda (yeah....I'll probably take ten years off my life with that stuff). 

Several minutes went by.  The store was incredibly crowded.  I'm chatting with clerk and paying for my loot when the man pushes through line, runs up to me and asks my opinion about a baking pan. 

I wasn't familiar with the brand.  It didn't seem to be a good pan so I told him that I didn't know and asked the clerk for his opinion.  

The man explains that the person he was talking to on the phone was his daughter.  Then he apologizes for bothering me and the crowd pushes their way in front of him.  

I finish paying for the groceries and leave. 

Here is the weird thing about it - 

his voice is incredibly familiar.  

I think I've met him before.

I finally was able to buy a new pair of glasses ($100 at Costco....seriously.....).  Everyone looks amazing now that I can see them!

Maybe I know him but couldn't recognize him.

If so, I'm sure I'll find out about it soon.

*****

Today was a weird day.  

I'm trying to process it all.  

It's time for me to go back on my knees and pray for an old friend and the wife and kids I hope he's acquired in the past six or so years.  

My daughter is right.  It's dumb to avoid people because of a fear of ruining relationships that they may not even have. 

Perhaps I learned the wrong lesson from the stalking.  I learned to isolate myself and not act in ways that cause other people to potentially feel insecure.  I'm probably taking those lessons a tad bit too far. 

This may not make sense.  I've averaged four hours of sleep per night over the past two weeks. 

It'll be interesting to reread this with a clearer head. 

All in all....I think there was a lesson today:   

The only thing this day taught me is that I need to stop being anti-social, take time to work on the projects that really speak to my heart and truly take time to listen to people. 

It seems that I'm always in a hurry and don't give enough time and attention to the people that surround me.  

There are so many beautiful souls in my midst.  Perhaps I should start treating them with more of my time and attention.

There is truly so much to think about..

Love ya,

S.