Today I am thankful for the culmination of dreams, insight from other Pagans and a Goddess meditation.
First off, I was wrong. Working 50 hours a week and attending school for 20 hours does not get rid of dreams of an old love.
Sigh....
I figure that if I understood what my subconscious mind was trying to say, the dreams would stop.
The dreams started in 1987.
They waned for a bit but came back with a vengeance on 11-5-2005.
For the first decade or so, the dreams were frightening. In each dream, the subject would be injured. The heartbreaking thing was that, invariably, the subject would wind up with these injuries in real life.
No, I had nothing to do with the injuries.
About three years ago, they turned into more personal dreams. The only thing they do now is make me feel bizarre. I can't be running around having subconscious imagery of a guy I rarely talk to anymore.
It would be very awkward to fun into his family now and...well....you know.
To be fair, I had one dream that I would be comfortable recounting in public. Last Saturday, I dreamt of this guy ordering breakfast at a fast food place.
Talk about incompatibility....
Sigh....
It's just a dream.
The dreams on Fridays scare me. Last week, I dreamt of Isis watching us....
together....
sharing a chair.....
which was too much for this prude person to dream about.
That dream....well.....that caused me to run to a couple of devotees of Isis.
I asked if it would be wise to meditate to the archetypal image of Isis and Horus (aka Mary and Jesus) to ask what in the world that dream meant.
There is absolutely no chance it meant what I saw.
I respect the man too much.
When we run into each other, he looks at me with love but I can sense that he is annoyed with me.
There is no way that we could be close on any level. He'd need Xanax to put up with me.
Seriously.....there are more beautiful women in the world who won't drive him up a wall in a negative way.
There has to be another meaning to the dreams.
*****
The first devotee told me to light some incense and leave an offering of fish for the cats at the crossroads.
The second devotee told me that her spirit guide, Inanna, suggested that I stop avoiding this guy in order to pursue the meaning. Well....I won't run away but I won't stir up old wounds.
It seems to kill him to look at me. He looks at me a combination of boyish wonder, love and annoyance.
Uh....I'm not good for him.
It's hard to watch the way his face contorts in my presence.
With that in mind, I meditated to Inanna.
Given that I'm a crazy Constitutionalist, I actually have a statue of her*.
Inanna is the Mesopotamian goddess of love and war. She is also known as Ishtar and the precursor to Aphrodite and Venus.
She is a bad ass. Most sculptures of her feature a voluptuous woman, carrying a scepter with each leg riding on the back of a lion.
Many Pagans believe that Inanna is the model for the Statue of Liberty. In fact, the beloved sculpture wears the crown of Ishtar. It's easy to find an idol of this form of Ishtar.
I meditated.
I think I have my answer.
The dreams are distractions intended to keep the nightmares about my stalkerish ex and his family at bay.
I literally remember a powerful feminine voice stating
"You're a divine being! Don't waste your life on the drama of small men."
That's fitting.
I've literally spent my entire adult life cleaning up the messes of men be they my father, my ex-husband or the idiot who was given custody of my sister.
I tire of the bullshit.
*****
I've done more meditating. I finally realize why I'm having those dreams.
This is going to sound crazy
-but-
my first love was the only guy who understood the need for time to work on projects.
I have him pegged as an INTP. He told me he was an INTJ.
Either way -
he's introverted,
creative,
intelligent and can't tolerate stupidity.
He has personal projects that he becomes engrossed in.
He didn't expect me to cling to him 24/7.
That allowed me free time to draw, study and engage in personal projects.
I've had two serious relationships and dated one other guy in the 31 years since we broke up.
The guys who followed him expected me to be a shallow, one dimensional human-being. I was only allowed to exist to serve their needs. Anything I tried to do on my own was, for the most part thwarted.
The guy who followed him trashed my musical instruments (including the bass my dad gave me). He would tear up my college textbooks. One day, when I had a final exam, he promised me a ride to school and dropped me off 20 miles away. He didn't drop me off, I opened the door at a stop light and jumped out of the truck when I recognized where we were.
My ex-husband had his sister stalk me on campus and his friends harass me at volunteer gigs. He also played games with money and vehicles making it hard for me to commit to work. That relationship quickly moved to financial abuse.
Steve just badmouthed me to anyone I knew when I wouldn't do what he expected me to do.
These guys created drama when I wouldn't behave the way they expected me to behave.
Why would anyone want to live like that?
I don't.
Perhaps that is why I don't want to date. I seriously don't want to serve some egotistical asshole who is going to just ruin my credit, destroy my belongings and steal from me.
I have far too many things to do now.
Why would I play around with an idiot when I have a recording studio and an easel in my bedroom?
I've got far too many things to do right now.
I don't know if grown men can ever understand the introverted woman's need for creative time.
******
It's Friday.....
let's see if the dreams are finally put to bed.
I'm old....
too old for love and romance.
The only things that make me happy and excited are my bass guitar and my microphone.
I don't think I'll find any man who makes me as excited as my first love - music and art.
Love ya,
S.