Today I am thankful for the only constant in life - change.
I'm loving my new job. My boss is super smart and is good with people. He puts me in mind of the people who surrounded me as a child.
My parents were violent alcoholics so I spent most of my time out of school with Baptist ministers and Mormon bishops who stole me away from my parents to help them out in the church.
That probably explains why I volunteer and tithe so much. I swear those men and their families saved me.
My new clinical supervisor gave me permission not to wear so much make-up. That's new. When I became a hypnotist, my very first mentor told me to always wear make-up. If I tell you why he said that, you'd figure out who he is.
I followed his advice. Prior to that, the only times I wore make-up were when I modeled or when I got married. I tried wearing it for a bit in high school but it got my boyfriend in trouble. I'd hug him and his beautiful mom would have to scrub the make-up out of his shirt.
So -
make-up is messy. I'm trying to regain the confidence in my appearance to be myself again. Just when I think I have it back, my old bully boss calls (gotta remember to block her until she finds a new outlet for her stress).
I'm still wearing my temporary cast so I cannot take flowers to my old friend's mother*. She and his dad are buried by several of my relatives (three of whom died within the past year). I try to get out to the cemetery about five times per year (Memorial day, All Saint's Day and the birthdays of the uncle and aunt who raised me after alcoholism killed my parents). Since my old friend's parents are just a few feet away, I pack up my car with flowers and make the rounds.
I didn't get to go last week because I can't walk due to the cast.
There must be a little bit of guilt there because....
I am still dreaming of this guy. The dreams are incorporating one of my deceased relatives and him. I don't think these two ever met. This is the aunt who taught me to leave people who treat me poorly until they can behave themselves. We dated during the phase where I left her alone to ponder her crappy behavior.
It's weird.
Not sure if I want to say what exactly the dreams are about -but- upon sharing them with a living relative, it appears to be somewhat accurate (at least as they pertain to my deceased relative).
In short, the dreams show me running in to him at a place where my aunt died. She showed me a balcony full of plants. She said that she decided to not fight to live while standing on that balcony.
Then she pointed outwards and said 'you'll find him again here.' The dream got weirder, I heard his voice. I saw us hugging each other.
I woke up creeped out.
Seriously, I've prayed for this guy to be married several times over the past thirty-three years. If my prayers were answered, I'm not going to ruin that gift by hugging him in real life unless the Mrs. is okay with that.
When I described the balcony and the plants to her sister, I was informed that this place actually existed in Old Town Arvada.
Oh -
Well, maybe my subconscious mind is telling me to avoid 52nd Ave and Olde Wadsworth on my way to the cemetery.
Other than that, I'm not sure what to write about.
*****
I'm exhausted due to the pain I'm in. Sleeping is challenging due to the throbbing in my leg, knees and hips. Oh, and the dreams make it hard to sleep, too.
The blast from the past is not dying in the dreams now. They are just bizarre dreams. I would never wish such horrible things on anyone I used to consider my best friend.
Maybe I need to start dreaming of living in a frozen wasteland. That ought to do the trick.
My subconscious mind needs cleaned out. I wonder if I still have that 'get over the ex' CD from my colleague with the beautiful voice? I guess I can buy another one. I need to enroll in some training anyway.
I fell when I was spring cleaning. There are little piles of stuff all over the house. It's going to take awhile to resort through everything. I'll never find it now.
I need to get another one.
*****
No, I haven't seen a surgeon as I never was given a referral by my primary care physician (was supposed to see one over a week ago) and unsure how to proceed.
I'm breaking a lot of rules (e.g. taking off the temporary cast to shave because - ick...). My ankle is still swollen on both sides and bruised.
My daughters think I'm faking. I wish I were but because they don't want to help my house and lawn look like crap.
At least my legs are mowed.
So -
Some things don't change (even though they should).
I'm going to gain my weight back because I can't work out any more.
Other than that, things are beautiful.
May your life be beautiful, too.
Oh, take your calcium and D3. My bones are probably breaking because I grew up with an eating disorder. I wonder how bad things would be if I didn't have a best friend get me hooked on vitamins when I was a teenager?
Well, maybe the least I can do is thank him for that if I see him on Olde Wadsworth.
The falling and breaking bones is what killed one of my relatives that I visit at the Arvada Cemetery. I had no clue how easy it was to break my bones until I fell a couple of weeks ago.
Take care of yourself so you don't live my hell. Being this is not attractive if you're limping.
Love ya,
S.