Today I am thankful for the advice of a nurse.....
and the comforting visions that kept me sane while waiting for the IV drips and procedures to be completed.
000375705 So.....I faint....
a lot.
I've always fainted in steamy rooms and while working out.
In 1998, they thought it was a cardiac event. I kept going to the gym and fainting on the treadmill.
I had a lot of tests done and was informed it was exercise induced asthma.
They gave me an inhaler. I never used it.
I no longer wear a size 5 because I'm too terrified to push it in the gym.
In 2007, I began fainting a lot at home. It got to the point it was ignored because I always woke up.
I did have an episode where I fainted near my parents' grave at Fort Logan National Cemetery. I envisioned the ghost of my paramedic step-dad telling me to drink more d$#@ water and avoid going out on 100 degree days.
There were times when I felt faint but began to fight it. This brought on Vertigo. My first bout of it was August 19, 2008. I assumed that it was because it happened as I stood within inches of my first love telling me that I deserved better in life and love. I still love him. I always will. That moment was very painful and hit it home. I started spinning at that moment and it took about a week for it to stop.
As I stood there, I noticed shiny pennies on the ground.
I managed to go through my routine, I was taking post-graduate courses about drug and alcohol addiction in Downtown Denver. For the next two days I managed to do what I always did.
Then I fell and hit my head.
I wound up in the Emergency Room at [deleted**]. The experience was so great, I would later decide to sell their policies (that's a long story).
That's when I was told it was due to something being stuck in my ear. They dislodged it. I still spun. They gave me Xanax and told me to rest.
The vertigo did not go away for several days. Being the daughter of a Native American Paramedic, my thoughts turned to the psychological reasons for the ailment. I reasoned that around 4:00 p.m. on August 19, 2008, I found myself faint and swooning. I found myself staying grounded in the reality that I was 37 years old, in an unhappy sexless marriage with a man whose family was stalking me -while at the same time - realizing that I could make another choice and potentially give into emotion and be swept away into something that may not be good for anybody at all in the long term.
As I care deeply for the man that stood before me and cannot remember exactly why we parted, I continued to stand my ground. For all he knew, I could be a lunatic gun-toting Libertarian that fights the government at every turn.
He may not know who I am.
Back then, I only fought the government when the lives of children were at stake. That would change in just a few short months after I'd get a threat from an employee at the Aurora City Government and the identity and intention of my stalker would reveal itself.
Prior to 2009, I only took on foster homes and public schools engaging in sexual and physical abuse of minors.
In fact, my patron Goddess was Artemis, the beautiful sister of Apollo. Artemis is the protector of women and children. For years, I'd dream of her showing me that the man who stood before me was in danger and that one of two conclusions would occur; he'd either die prematurely or break his leg in an accident. She came to me because we still loved each other deeply.
In 2008, the accident had not happened yet. I'd continue to have those dreams for several years. She told me she'd give me green eyes as a reminder that I needed to be there for this person. When the danger had passed and he would come back and he was okay, my eyes would return to the deep brown they always were.
I had not spoken to him since the late eighties. I'd avoid him in public. If I saw him, I'd hide and I always avoided the area he was known to reside. My in-laws lived just a few blocks from his mother, so hiding was easier said than done. I was afraid to reach out because the gossips claimed he had acted out after the end of our relationship.
The dreams caused me to seek him out. I was unsuccessful. He found me on Classmates.com and invited me to lunch in a public place.
The waiter told me that he could tell this man loved me. Of course, we're just old friends. He's the most beautiful man I've ever met. I'm not hot enough, or pretty enough, or artistic enough to keep a man like that happy.
I'm just a friend.....an old, old friend.
I went back a few days later to rent an office in the area. There were seven shiny pennies on the ground where we stood. They were all dated 1988. I picked them up. I keep them inside of a box decorated with the rune Gebo, the rune of friendships that cannot be undone. They sit by my bedside, so I can look at them when I have nightmares about this man.
My friend's name is Tom.
*****
Years would pass. There would be two more visits. One would occur on a day I had intended to stand on the Colorado Capital steps holding up signs and supporting my activist buddies who were giving speeches. When Tom called, I made it a point to be there to try to warn him of the impending doom I dreamt of. There would be other days to hold signs for CUT and days when I would give the speeches.
On this day, Tom and I ate Chinese Food and I immediately felt sick to the point I could not eat. The waitress told me he loved me and said that she'd tell him to buy me roses because he was 30 minutes late to our meeting. I laughed, Aurora traffic IS insane (the budget is a mess - that's another long story).
The food was excellent. I would later learn that I'm allergic to soy and shrimp and that was why I fell ill. I should have just ate the rice. I definitely shouldn't have driven home that day.
Tom and I were friends on Facebook. I hid his feed when I saw all of the dangerous stuff he liked to do.
He broke his leg in a skydiving accident in 2010. He broke it within days of my 40th birthday. I spent my 40th birthday alone in my mini-van, crying in an empty parking lot and hiding from my ex-husband who was on a rampage. At least it gave me a place to pray for my old friend.
My eyes are STILL green. I'm still worried about him. There is nothing I can do.....nothing. It's his life....it's his adventure. Somewhere along the line we decided to live our adventures apart.
I cannot remember why.
******
I had been stalked since 1992 by my ex-husband's family. I had never really called it stalking. I thought of it as bullying attempts at dominance that would eventually stop.
It didn't really get dangerous until 2011. Prior to that, it was just my ex's family calling employers, landlords and creditors with lies and bullsh!t. It wasn't very long ago, I would get calls from my former brother-in-law's creditors claiming that he told them that I was married to HIM and would pay the bills!
Talk about harassment!!!
On 01-11-11 - it got to the point of endangering others. This was the last lunch with Tom. He sat there with a cast on his leg. He was proud of the adventure that led to his injury. I tried to hide the tears as he proudly recounted the adventure that led to his missing toes.
He's living life. I'm happy for him. I just wish it didn't hurt him so much.
As I sat there, my ex-husband's sister and her boyfriend stared. I would find out later that they hassled the people waiting in the waiting room of the psych practice I worked for. They harassed the billing lady and went through her files trying to get information about me.
I left my practice.
I decided to sell health insurance.
Sure, I'll see the occasional hypnosis client now. I don't advertise because when I do, it brings my ex-husband's family out to hassle me or my clients. I just see the hard cases, people that others cannot help. I only charge them what they can afford (or what their normal co-payments would be).
It can't be my business until I move or the stalking is over.
I sold for [deleted **] until they moved their sales office. I will always recommend them.
I now sell for another health care company now but I may not be selling there for long.
*******
I used to work for this company. It's one of the largest health insurance for-profit networks in the county. They even helped write the Affordable Health Care Act.
I was recruited by a call center company trying to get a permanent contract to sell Medicare plans for this company.
The call center managers are pushing unethical sales practices so they can win this contract.
I refuse to churn people from plan to plan. This company thinks that should a current customer call, I need to enroll them into a different plan whether or not it is of a benefit to the customer.
I refuse to do that.
It's expected that I enroll every third person who calls. Most of my calls are from current customers who need things like new cards. I manage to sell 20% or so. I will only sell if it HELPS.
I lost it when I was told to enroll someone into the same plan they already have (and will continue to have in 2018) just to bolster my numbers! Remember...these orders are coming from a call center manager rather than someone who is a licensed insurance agent.
I'm libertarianish - the moment I realized that there ought to be a law preventing people from pushing insurance sales that are not licensed insurance agents, I realized I'd been there too long. I am the last person who thinks laws solve problems.
It's getting to the point of threats and harassment. They breathe down my neck. Now, they won't let me transfer people to customer service without the permission of my boss. Of course, my boss is nowhere to be found.
They also get angry when someone takes a bathroom break four hours into his or her shift.
We lose, an average of eight agents a week to attrition.
Yesterday, when I arrived to work my entire face was numb. I thought it was anxiety. I ignored it.
A woman I've worked with for years at other employers told me I looked pale and asked if I should go home. I told her it was just anxiety and I'd work through it.
I had seven calls that day; two were from people who were not Medicare eligible, one was from someone I couldn't sell to because they had Medicaid - at this point I was in trouble. I had three calls and had not sold a plan.
The next call was from someone whose inhalers were not covered by any of our plans.
My boss wanted me to push the sale by promising that this person's doctor would prescribe something covered by the plan. I'm NOT his doctor. Sure, it's a possibility that he could get something else. It's a possibility that the plan could make an exception. I cannot promise that.
The other aspects of the plan were good. He currently had a plan with us that he could keep that covers his medications. He thought he would keep his current plan until he could talk to his doctor. I set it up to where an agent would follow up with him after he had a chance to speak to his doctor.
My boss's superior came over and started to question my behavior. She asked if I could make more money elsewhere.
I stayed quiet.
This job pays very little for a sales job. Before I was a stalking victim, I averaged $150 an hour but, as a housewife, I only worked one to two hours a week. It was just enough to pay rent and office expenses.
As I sat with this lady, my chest started to hurt and my left arm went numb.
My chest got tight, my eyes started to water and I arranged to go home. I told them I'd understand if they chose to write me up or fire me.
I thought that my physical reaction could be due to the Diet Pepsi I drank earlier. I don't drink soda as much as I used to drink it. I also thought my symptoms could be due to the half of a diet pill I've been taking on and off for several years. It contains pseudoephedrine and helps with my asthma.
Here is a piece of life advice - always make friends with the janitors and security staff. They know more about your environment than you do.
They are also great people to know.
They are typically friendly and down to earth people. They are my favorite co-workers.
My lovely security friend escorted me to the car and sat with me while I called my insurance company and spoke to the nurse.
This call center doesn't offer health insurance. I'm on my own when it comes to health care.
The nurse thought it could be my PTSD but wanted to get me checked out because chest pains are rare for me. I drove myself to a hospital in Parker.
By the time I arrived, I was in severe pain and couldn't breathe.
I checked in and sat in the waiting room. I started to sneeze and my lungs started to ache. My eyes started to water uncontrollably. I could barely move.
I was there for a long time. I ran to the bathroom a couple of times to vomit. A kind old lady gave me a plastic baggy so I wouldn't have to move. She had a joint replacement surgery on one of the plans I sell now. Her joint is infected. There said that there was nothing they can do.
I wish she was with [deleted**].
I overheard people around me. One man was in a car accident. A woman had fallen off of a horse. I sat there praying for their swift healing.
I could not keep my eyes open.
They found me a room two hours after arriving. It was 2:30. I could not move my neck. My lungs hurt and I wanted to throw up but there was nothing coming up.
I went in and out of consciousness.
I had the strangest dreams. In these dreams I'm sitting behind my old friend who is sitting in a black chair staring at a computer. The room was well lit with natural light. There is something orange in the room and I couldn't make it out.
I remember him say something about the stupidity of diet pills. I remember telling him that I religiously take the same brand of vitamins that he bought me as Christmas gifts when we went to school together.
I hated to eat. It turns out that I'm allergic to just about everything. He bought me vitamin pills to help me stay healthy despite my unhealthy diet.
In the vision, he seemed okay. He wasn't missing arms or legs. He seemed content with where he was. I felt calm. In the vision I just sat there staring at the back of his chair. I also decided that I'd talk to the doctor about my diet pill addiction when she came into the room.
Even in that daydream, I was aware of the monitors buzzing around me. My blood pressure was insane (147/122). I usually have low blood pressure.
The constant beeping kept putting me into a trance.
It would be 5:45 before I would come back to consciousness completely.
*******
I have a history of PTSD due to my childhood abuse, rape and the stalking. I was informed that people with these histories are at an increased risk of cardiovascular problems.
The doctor believes that the stress I've been under the past four years is the reason why my allergies and asthma have gotten worse. If I resolve the stress, I may be able to stop coughing and live normally again. I may be able to resume hiking, keep my cat, bake shrimp for parties and all those things I used to do before I got sick.
The diet drugs have most likely been my way of self-medicating for the allergies. I should try Allegra or something known to be more effective. There was nothing in the drugs to create the reaction that they saw today. Yes, I brought my diet pills to the hospital with me.
My blood work was normal.
I have to follow up with a cardiologist on Monday.
I should start looking for a new job immediately.
The nurse stopped in and told me that she had injured her neck in an accident. We chatted a bit about her recovery. She reminded me of one of my health psychologists professors; his name was Paul Haber. His family may still run his website where he sold books and bio-dots before he died. Paul would say that the mind is everything. We can cure our allergies with our minds. We can lower our blood pressure without pills.
Her advice was to install the Meet-up app on my phone and find hiking and other groups so that I could live my adventure as long as I could.
I would say that, if there is any thread in my life, it is to live adventurously and to honor the adventures of others.
Life is an adventure.
I support Tom in his adventures, although I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I have to stay clean just in case he needs blood or a transplant.
I support my sister on her adventures.
I wish my relatives would live a little more.
I wish my ex-husband's adventures did not include stalking or gorging on food.
I don't know if I have adventures. I used to have a problem answering the Why Not Question.
Should I take on the local government due to its abuses of the people?
Why is an easy question to answer.
Why not is where I get stuck.
If I could not find an answer to the Why Not Question, I'd go forward.
Lately, I've been answering the Why Not Question with "I must hide from the stalker."
That has kept me away from living life to its fullest.
I guess that has to change.
Hiding from the stalker is why I am an insurance salesperson. It's why I stopped doing what I love full time. Being in the media and the spotlight caused the stalking to pick up.
Call center sales is an anonymous job.
I can't mess with people's health care coverage. I guess that makes me a shitty salesperson.
I will always promote the company that rewarded me for actually helping people rather than lying to sign them up with plans that were a poor fit.
As I left the hospital, I looked at my phone and saw that a recruiter had called me about a job earlier that afternoon.
I'll give him a call first thing Monday morning.
Please live your life as the adventure as it is. If someone is being a pest, get away. If someone is abusing you, get away. If someone is stalking you, take care of you.
Don't do what I did; don't replace an abusive spouse with an abusive employer. Learn to say no and put yourself first.
Failure to do so, could be the death of you.
As for me, I will always have the opportunity to love others. The world is a kind place despite the few insecure asshats that run around.
Remember....love yourself, first!
Love ya,
S.
** Two days after publishing this post, a recruiter for this non-profit healthcare company invited me in for an interview. I am working there now.
They prefer that I don't blog about them but I can sing their praises to all of my friends.
I'm thankful to be back with this awesome company even if it is temporary and part-time work.
