This song is an excellent description of a narcissist.
Today I am thankful for discoveries....
even if they make me feel paranoid.
I think I need to move.
I've been working a crazy temp job. It features long hours and low pay. The commute is long, so I'm gone about 10.5 hours each day.
A single mom not receiving child support has to do what a single parent in that situation is supposed to do.
Work hard.
What I've been doing is washing my clothes every seven days and wearing the same outfits over and over.
I don't use my favorite clothes for this job.
I store my nice underthings in a box under my bed. I haven't even tried dating for over three years, so I just keep them in a box. If I wear ugly undies...the worst thing that can happen is that I visit the Emergency Room. It's happened twice in three months!
I keep my underwear in a green stripped box.
Yesterday I found them in a floral box.
I did not put them there.
A houseguest may have done that.
My kiddos may have done that.
I did not.
I started to write it off as a fluke.
******
My garage door opener doesn't work unless I click it twice.
I need a new garage door opener.
I was told that some stalkers plant devices on property that steals the first code during the first click. When you click the second time, it will release the first code opening the door and then save the second code so they can get into your home.
I don't know if this is going on. It is unnerving.
*******
It gets worse.
Someone requested a new password on my Twitter account on Tuesday.
Someone tried to hack into my Groupon Business Account this morning.
My underwear......
my underwear was moved.
This brings to mind the incident when I found bloody underwear on the back porch in 2012.
This is never going to end, is it? *1
*****
I am realizing that all those therapists who diagnosed my ex as a narcissist are right.
I didn't want to believe it.
There is so much drama.
Yes, drama is a fact of life. I lost my job, I found others.
I've lost my health insurance, yet I have scary high blood pressure. I may have a job with my favorite insurer that has great benefits.
My daughter ran up a huge bill with a community college (due to their illegal violations of the ADA and game of dropping students from classes the day after the drop deadline....I'll work on that...people that get tax dollars get can get big heads and break laws....I see it too much....far too much).
I was able to get a 0% interest credit card to help her pay it off.
We can always work through drama.
We just have to try.
There is always drama with Michael.
He doesn't know that I've running a risk of a heart attack.
I didn't tell him.
I don't talk about my life.
I did tell him that I want to help gut CO-PEP's funding because I feel they are behaving unethically.
I didn't talk about myself.
When I get away, there is always some type of drama.
If I help, it is never enough.
When he refused to fix the timing belt on his car and the engine seized, I gave him my mini-van which I am still paying for.
When he lost his job, I paid for his insurance and gas so he could continue to look for work.
When he got a job selling insurance, I helped him with his business trips.
He was angry when I asked him to leave. He needed to leave because the stalking was (and still is) scaring the heck out of me.
If I'm not helping him, I am hurting him.
There is always some drama. I the past year, I have spent 30% of my income on legal fees (to the tune of over $10,000) just to get him out of the house and understand why he can't pay child support.
I didn't want to hire a lawyer to understand the child support. The State of Colorado demanded that I hire one before they spoke to me.
Even then, they didn't give me adequate information. It cost me $3,650 to learn that my ex was in rehabilitation.
Now, the State of Colorado child support services (CO-PEP) claims my ex doesn't have clothing and that they have to provide it.
Imagine my anger when my ex asked me to pay the rent on the storage unit where he stores his clothes, the TV he gave to the kids, money my auntie gave him and all sorts of other things.
He also wanted to store more stuff at my house. I don't want him here because I'm scared of his family. If his stuff is here, it'll give him an excuse to hang around. I'm tired.
I don't know.
I do know that I've been yelled at for trying to help. If I tell him about a job, he typically yells. When I asked him to leave, he'd scream and yell. If I didn't give him my vehicle, he'd sulk.
If I didn't do what he wanted, he'd run to his family and they'd start harassing me.
This child support crap and demand for money is just more drama.
It's disgusting how the state has made my abuser out to be my victim.
I've stopped responding to his emails.
He is only supposed to write if he wants to see the kids.
Boundaries mean nothing to a narcissist.
Now, if you want to know why I want to take down CO-PEP, I'll tell you.
They promised to help me find a job - they don't do that.
They asked for all of my information. I told them he had a stalking issue and they shared it with my stalker. Thank goodness I only work temp jobs.
The thing that got to me the most is that he has three lawyers, one of whom made a court filing just to chastise me for taking care of our nineteen year old who is still in college.
That is a disgusting waste of taxpayer dollars. Not only that, it is incredibly irresponsible to set a kid of that age out on her own without any truly marketable skills. That is setting her up for a life on welfare!
Maybe that is what they want.
CO-PEP wanted to know where my money went and how many adults and children lived in my home. There are two adults. Now understand......I cannot date nor can I leave the impression that I am living with a man because that would just stoke the stalking again. I HAD to divulge that the other adult was our 19 year old daughter.
That is why the lawyer wasted taxpayer funds chastising me for being responsible and financially supporting our daughter. Parenting isn't like a glass slipper. It doesn't end at midnight on a child's 19th birthday.
These alleged social workers have no clue about domestic violence and/or stalking. If they did, they'd behave differently.
I sincerely wish that CO-PEP is defunded. CO-PEP is a five year experiment. I hope their game is up in 2018. Their sole purpose appears to make abusers out to be victims. I thought it was created to help uneducated men or men who couldn't get jobs. You know, the young man stuck at McDonalds or the guy recently released from prison....not the college educated accountant with gobs of auditing experience.
Accounting and auditing jobs are not that hard to find.
I think Michael asked for money because I gave him a message left for him by a recruiter. It's my fault. I tried to help him by passing on a job lead and he took it as an invitation to ask for money.
I can't help him anymore.
I don't like government human service departments that cannot grasp the simplest family psychology concepts. That's how abusers game the system. This is true in any type of family law situation.
I never did. That's probably due to my experiences fighting the foster care system to get my baby sister out of a sexually exploitive Florida foster home. That was my first fight.
I met the Lt. Governor that year.
I was born to play bass badly and fight. It has to be the reason I'm still on this damn planet. Playing bass badly gave me experience tolerating being booed by a crowd. I'm joking....a little. I've been booed talking about the Libertarian philosophy towards immigration.
It's socially liberal and quite unpopular in conservative crowds.
I was probably born to be some type of public speaker, activist brat.
I wasn't born to play doormat to an abusive idiot.
I need to stop giving Michael my time and energy. Colorado beaurocrats have bought into the idea that he is a victim.
He is not. He is playing a role.
He did this with alimony (which is why he never had to pay). The judge asked that we mediate it within two years. When it was time to mediate it, my ex refused to cooperate.
This is exactly what will happen with child support. I (nor my children) will NEVER see a dime thanks to CO-PEP. In fact, I got an email to that effect that September. I was told that he didn't have to cooperate with my lawyer because CO-PEP knew where he was.
Um.....no!
I am debating checking in with DORA to see if the facility he is allegedly in is licensed as a rehabilitation center for depression and alcohol addiction. This is too weird to me.
They claim to be a religious organization. Perhaps they are using the pastoral exemption.
If that is the case, the fix would be to only allow licensed facilities to impact legal responsibilities such as child support.
Narcissists also piss so many people off that they can't keep jobs, friendships or relationships. When they fall, they fall hard and lose everything.
Narcissism isn't a mental health issues. It is a learned pattern of behavior that is hard to extinguish because these people have learned to get what they want acting like assholes. This is why insurance companies don't cover treatment for narcissism. It's a personality disorder. It is fixed. It is nearly impossible to change.
Narcissistic falls occur when people get sick of the narcissist's crap and leave him or her alone. Is the depression (or pretend depression) caused by a Narcissistic fall a mental health issue?
I don't know.
Maybe?
I don't think it'll change anything.
My ex is a victim.
He is not taking responsibility for anything.
He could just be pretending to be depressed to shirk his responsibilities. He wrote to me that he wouldn't stay in the program very long. I'm thinking it's just to drop child support.
We'll see.....
Michael shouldn't get any more attention.
In my mind, I've already lost. The kids and I will never see a dime. There is no point in having an attorney because manipulative men always win.
My hobby is fighting big government.
I need to get back into that.
A new organization has made my sh!t list.
Love ya lots,
S.
*1 - Edit 11/26/2017 - Someone is requesting the password to my Facebook account now. I do think I'm being targeted. Darn it, I thought Michael being in rehab would stop it. I guess not.
The latest hack attempt took place at 6:22 MST on Sunday evening. The hacker is using old email addresses for my business account that I haven't used in over two years.
I'm glad I changed everything up when Michael moved out.