Wishes

                                               I just want what he stole from me returned, so I can start over.  It won't happen but it would be nice.

 

Today I am thankful for wishes, even if it is doubtful that any one of them will come true.

My biggest wish is for people to tell me what they want. 

It would solve so many issues and problems. 

I wish my ex would tell me what he wants. 

In a way I don't care. 

If the judge dismisses my divorce, I'll just sell my last remaining tenor sax and file again. 

It can't be that hard, can it? 

I'll be a pro at this. 

This time, I won't say a word at all.  I'll file it as a contested divorce after I move out of the house. 

I'm hurt. 

I'm angry. 

I'm feeling betrayed.

My ex is offering me a second chance that I don't really want. 

I don't want to stay.  

I guess I should for now. 

I did contact the clerk to see if there was some mistake.  Perhaps they misfiled the paperwork but have it.  Perhaps the letter from the judge was sent by mistake. 

Maybe?

Perhaps the judge has some Christian-esque agenda to save our marriage.  In my state, a legal separation starts the day a couple stops copulating and decides to divorce (even if they share a domicile).  That was over seven years ago! 

We have exceeded the 90 day waiting period in spades. 

I finally get my ex to agree to sign off on the original document, but now, after all of this, a simple paperwork error will make me start all over again!  It should have been final on the seventeenth. 

This can't be happening.  It really can't. 

I don't want to talk about the stalking in court.  I don't want to get a restraining order and ruin any one's career. 

I just want the stalking and the harassment to stop. 

It's only going to get worse the longer this drags out. 

I'm really feeling damaged by this. 

*****

 

Steve left again. 

 

His excuse is that he thinks perversion is a bad word.  I happen to like being perverted (just not when he's at work or trying to be serious).  I guess this means that we are incompatible.

 

I think he's tired of waiting for my divorce to be final. 

 

I don't blame him.  

 

Last time Steve left, my ex told a judge he was in a hurry to get the divorce agreements signed. 

 

Steve came back and my ex is dragging his feet. 

 

Maybe now, I'll see some movement since I've lost my best friend. 

 

I don't know. 

 

Maybe I should stay because it doesn't matter anymore. 

 

It really doesn't. 

 

I don't care. 

Crap, the lawyers had me spending more time with my ex after we divorced than I spend with him now! 

That is sooo weird!!!

I do have a plan. 

 

*****

 

I know what I want. 

 

No one else seems to care about what I want. 

 

The court want me to continually pay the filing fees.

The therapists want me to continually pay for the mandated classes.

My ex and his family want someone to harass. 

 

It doesn't matter what I want.

 

The court can kiss my arse.

The therapists can kiss my arse.

My ex and his family an kiss my arse. 

 

I can stay but it will be a hollow victory.  I won't cook Sunday meals.  I won't cook Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners.  I won't stay home at night.  My ex would have gotten more out of me if we had divorced. 

 

Okay....whatever. 

 

*****

 



 

I've made myself sick again. 

 

I'm not holding down food. 

 

The thought of having to stay here is killing me. 

 

Maybe I'll have to get used to that thought. 

 

I can acclimate myself to just about anything. 

 

I just need to get used to it. 

 

I'll probably be sleeping alone for the rest of my life. 

 

I can deal with being alone. 

 

I can avoid meeting other men, so that the stalking doesn't impact them. 

 

I can deal with the thought of never kissing another man ever again.   

 

I've dealt with this for a long time. 

 

I can continue with it. 

 

How hard can it be?   

 

You know what is funny?  The hot water heater broke last weekend.  I've been taking a lot of cold showers.  Some guy awakened my sexuality and there is no hot water. 

 

Maybe the repair man can come out now that there is no longer a need for the ice water.   

 

On the bright side, maybe I'll lose that last ten pounds due to the stomach thingy!!! 

 

There has to be a silver lining...right? 

 

Let's see what the court clerk says.  They did change our case number once, it could be that they got the files mixed up. 

If not, perhaps I can get some lawyer to type up a contested divorce affidavit to schedule a hearing.  I won't have to refile if the judge rules on it.  The last motion got lost and there was no ruling on it, only a threat to dismiss my case. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

All I can do is try and hope for the best. 

 

I'm not sure I care. 

 

People are going to do whatever the heck they are going to do. 

 

I give up trying to get them to see reason. 

 

It doesn't matter. 

 

In the end, it really and truly does not matter what the judge does. 

 

I don't have a marriage to dissolve. 

 

Right now, it is simply a formality. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.