Therapists

 

Today I am thankful for therapists.

 

 

I have a background in psychotherapy.  I  quit practicing when the stalking started to get to me. 

 

 

The biggest perk of being a psychotherapist is that I know my competition.  When I need help, I know who to call.  

 

I can knock out big issues in little time. 

 

*****

 

 

On an aside, I hate the word psychotherapist.  Do you want to know why? 

 

 

Spell it out.....

 

 

What do you get? 

 

 

Psycho-the-rapist! 

 

 

The psychologists must've done that as a subliminal marketing ploy to send all the business their way! 

 

*****

 

Why did I go? 

 

I went because I'm afraid to kiss my friend. 

 

 

And....

 

now I know why. 

 

 

I also get panic attacks everytime I speak about my ex. 

 

 

I can trace my first panic attack as an adult to the day I caught my ex sitting outside of one of my classes watching me. 

 

 

So, now....I have a memory of the stalking and I can officially prove to myself who my stalker is.  It was hard to believe the police.  I didn't want to think my ex could do such a thing but I caught him in July of 2008.  In fact, I caught him doing that on four occassions.  Each time I had a panic attack.  Once it led to vertigo and I was hospitalized. 

 

It was an interesting day because the therapist astutely pointed out that my first panic attack occured when I was fourteen. 

 

 

Yep....

 

 

I was visiting my mother on the weekend before her 36th birthday.  My mother literally beat me up because a man at the grocery store had called me beautiful and she was jealous. 

 

 

My step-father caught her hitting me.  He grabbed her and threw her on a gas stove.  He burned her face on a burner and her hair caught fire.  She died of her injuries three days later. 

 

 

I didn't live with these people.  This was a weird thing for me to experience.  They had no telephone, so the only thing I could do was run five blocks to the fire house and get the paramedics. 

 

I ran so hard that I was out of breath and dizzy. 

 

That is the origin of my panic attacks and vertigo. 

 

Oh....okay.....this is why I hate being called beautiful and why abusive aholes give me panic attacks. 

 

 

The cure is simple.  All I have to do is learn how to focus.  I learned about that in graduate school. 

 

 

That was easy. 

 

It is also my biggest fear. I fear abusive relationships.  This is why I'm afriad to kiss my friend.  I saw a fist-size hole in his bedroom door about eye-level.  Part of me fears that he put that there. 

 

*****

 

I came home and told my ex that he had to move out and that it was over with no hope of allowing him to return.  He keeps lying about the stalking.  I can't deal with that. 

 

The revised divorce documents are on file at the courthouse.  All I'm waiting for now is a final hearing.  It's done.  I should have access to some funds the first of November in order to start my new life. 

 

That's done.  Now, I can concentrate on work rather than legal crap. 

 

Hooray!!

 

*****

 

 





Now, that cleared up some mental space to deal with my friend. 

 

I had to go back and reread some of my Jungian Psychology books but I'm pretty sure that I know what is going on. 

 

We communicate in complementary ways. 

 

Yeah....

 

He writes and speaks poetically.  He picks his words out with care. 

 

When he reads and listens, he deconstructs and analyzes every word looking for a hidden meaning. 

 

Okay....

 

I do the opposite. 

 

I speak from my heart. 

 

I read and listen by putting things together as a cohesive whole while looking for connections. 

 

So....I'm not quite sure what to do with that yet. 

 

It does explain a lot.  Maybe I need to try to deconstruct his prose. 

 

The sexual tension isn't making the communcation much better, either. 

We must've have been created to entertain the Gods. 

I can't think I'm on fire. 

It's not fair!   

 

Sigh....

 

*****

 

My relationship with my friend may be over. 

 

I upset my friend yesterday. 

 

He shows his love by trying to teach me how to communicate better. 

 

I didn't understand that at the time and got a little terse. 

 

Maybe I should try.  Perhaps learning to communicate could be my best shot at not following in my mother's footsteps. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I'm probably going to have to ask about the fist-size hole in his door before stepping foot in his domicile ever again. 

 

*****

 

What to do?

 

I don't know. 

 

I set boundaries with the ex. 

 

Now, I have to figure out what my friend wants. 

 

That's the thing. 

If he still trusts me, he'll want to seal a deal and I'll want to keep things open and light. 

 

I'm not sure that being complimentary is such a cool thing. 

It may be good in the long-term but in the beginning it is really hard to understand someone completely different from you. 

Other people do this.  I can learn to do it, too. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.