Emotions

Today I am thankful for emotions because, on some level, I think it will help me clear out the nasty stuff in my life.

 

 

I think I've been sad and afraid most of the time in recent years.

 

 

I've been afraid of the stalking. 

 

 

I've been afraid of my ex. 

 

 

I've felt a lot of love and kinship for friends but, in shame, I have been guilty of avoiding them due to my fears about the stalking. 

 

 

This morning, I woke up afraid about money. 

 

 

I have inherited the bills.   

 

I signed away my right to alimony or the tax credits.

 

 

I need a job.

 

 

I feel compelled to make money. 

 

 

That's easy. 

 

 

Now, I am not sure if I am angry or sad. 

 

 

Maybe I am a little bit of both. 

 

 

I am lonely. 

 

 

I've been alone for years.  I've slept alone for years.  My ex started sleeping apart from me in 2001. 

 

 

I wonder what life would be like if I had a real partner. 

 

 

My biggest mistake was sticking it out. 

 

 

My ex cannot fathom why I want to leave now.  This has gone on so long, why am I dissatisfied now?

 

 

I have always been dissatisfied.  The games have hit a crescendo.  Our money went missing.  His family has harassed my friends and coworkers.

The cops say my ex is putting his family up to stalking me.

 I need to get away. 

 

I am trying to be resolved to stay away for good this time. 

 

The harder I try....the harder my ex tries to get me back. 

 

Worse, he's been promising to divorce me since 2007!

He'd say I could file when he found a job, or after the next political campaign, or after a lawsuit or other legal action. 

There is no excuse now!

He is in denial. 

Why?

 

Do you know why I say that he is in denial?  

 

Apparently, he is giving thought to remarrying me once the judge rules our divorce final. 

 

He even knows what kind of ceremony he wants.

He wants to do a Handfasting Ceremony!!! 

Why? 

 

Who in the world does that?

 

This makes me sad. 

 

It really does. 

 

What do I need to do to make this sink in for him?

 

How do you let a man know that it is unequivocally over? 

 

Maybe I need to engage my friend in some public displays of affection and see if I can get our pic in the paper. 

I wonder if I could hypnotize myself to be gay or something? 

Or maybe I can crawl in a ditch and die. 

I don't know what to do. 

I really don't. 

 

Help? 

 

A little? 

 

There has got to be a way for me to be more clear here!!!

One would think signing divorce documents would be enough! 

I guess...not. 

Hmmmmm.

What do I do?

 

Love,

 

S. 

Edit four hours later: 

A Scorpio friend told me what to say. 

Yep....he has the same first and last name as my ex.  He prefers to go by his nick name, so it's easy to tell the two of them apart.

My ex has an incredibly common name. 

Maybe someday I'll tell you how this man and I met.  It was a case of mistaken identity and a dirty comment left in the inbox of someone I thought was my husband in the early days of the Internet.

It had to do with blowing out a birthday candle....sigh....to this day, he won't let me forget it!  

My friend said to thank my ex for planning our wedding.  He'd be more than happy to offer to stand in as the groom. 

Years ago, this man and I made a pact that if no one wanted us when were 45, we'd get hitched. 

It won't happen.

I think, as of now, we're both spoken for (or close to it). 

And we live half a world apart now. 

Still...the absurdity of my old friend's statement made me realize the absurdity of the situation.

This, too, shall pass. 

Life is funny! 

I certainly have the funnest friends on the planet!