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TBA

I don't know what to be thankful for. 

I guess I can be thankful that I'm not greedy.

The mediator took me aside and asked about the violence. 

I couldn't take part in the mediation.  Nothing mattered.  If we come to an agreement in public, it falls apart in private.  Whatever he wants is fine by me. 

The lawyer noticed and sent him from the room. 

I told her what was going on.  I can't mediate.  I'll just do whatever my ex wants.  I can't talk to him without getting yelled at, so I just want to do whatever he wants. 

She asked me to leave.

She took him aside.

When I came back, he had signed an agreement giving me the house and the IRA in exchange for my right to get alimony.  He also gets the tax credits. 

Here is the deal.  I don't want the house and the IRA. 

I feel quite guilty about it. 

I really wanted to do this without talking about the stalking and the violence.  I think I guilt tripped  him into giving me things.  I don't like that.  That's not fair!

I think I may have cried when I spoke about how the stalking has changed my life.  I think I may have cried again when I said that having the police tell me that my ex was behind it ruined my perception of the world. 

Up until that day, I trusted my heart. 

Now, I don't.  I think I am chasing away a decent man because I don't trust myself. 

Should I go back and change everything?

I don't want to control people with tears!

This whole thing hurts me so damn much. 

I just want my freedom. 
 
*****
 
Can I take the house?  

Can I do this to other people?

Can I take the only assets that I know about?

It's like he's giving me everything. 

It does not feel right. 

I wish I knew what to do. 

If I knew for sure that he hid $47K, I wouldn't feel so bad. 

The house has a lot of equity.  There is only $28K in the IRA (maybe less).

He also promised to finance another car for me so that I can have something that won't have a GPS box on it. 

I'll pray about it. 

I don't want to do anything that will compromise my ability to get beauty sleep.

I haven't signed anything yet.

I have until next week to get this done. 

I also heard that I may have to wait until January 2nd to finalize it due to the chance that letting my ex claim me on his 2013 taxes will save him a small fortune.  I'm asking an accountant to run the numbers. 

If it makes little difference, I'll get it over with sooner rather than later.  If it saves him more than $1,000 then I'll wait.

That would make me feel a tiny bit better. 

It sucks having ethics. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit: I did pray about it.  If I manage to make decent money, I can always return the favor.  I can set aside the funds for the kids or get a life insurance police to benefit my ex or do something to repay him. 

I guess it's easier to give money back than it is to fight for what one needs. 

I'm off to hunt for a real job. 

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