Beaded Salmon Sundress

 

Today I am thankful for my beaded salmon sundress.

 

 

It started off as a horrible day.

 

I wanted to learn to be more authentic and to speak my truth. 

 

My ex was downstairs on the computer and holding up bank statements.  I thought he was reconciling the divorce documents. 

 

I sat down and told him that I didn't want the house.   It's too big.  I hate the yard.  I hate the trees.  He likes the layout.  I don't like taking care of it. 

Before I could tell him that I was thinking about handing it off to him and trying to move out here, he erupted at me.  He told me to [censored] sell it!

It has a lot of equity.  It is cheaper than rent.  It needs fixed up and I don't know how to do the work.  He does.  It would be wiser for him to take the house, the kids, and let me pay child support.  If I take the house and kids, it would be crap shoot.  I'm not sure I can do it as I am just getting started in business and looking for an entry level job.  He makes more money.

The more I spoke, the louder he got.  He started to rage and spit at me. 

It erupted into violence.  I think the underside of my right arm is bruised. 

 

I left in tears. 

The agreement was that the kids would stay here.  If I gave the house to him, they could stay here and keep their scholarships.  Damn him....The house is cheaper than college!!! 

I guess I'll have to stay, then.  I will never, ever speak of it again with him unless attorneys are present.  I'll take the house.  I'll take the pittance of the retirement he's giving me.  I don't care about the missing $47,000.  At least, I'll leave with my life. 

 

*****

 

I was wearing my new salmon sundress.  I was in the process of sewing it in order to keep it from showing off my cleavage.  I didn't finish. 

 

I went to my hometown.  They're having a harvest festival.  I bought some fruit for Steve.  I bought the lollipops I told him about. 

I was shaking.  I had no make-up on. 

 

I had an interesting insight when I spoke to the clerk at one of the booths.  I asked for red delicious apples.  They didn't have any today.  So, he sold me some Gala apples, nectarines, lemons, limes, and strawberries. 

 

I went back and forth in my head.  I once wrote to Steve to ask what type of apples he liked.  I think it was due to an argument about the quality of organic produce.   I asked him what fruit he liked and he said "apples."  I asked what his favorite were and he said "red delicious." 

 

Oh my goodness.....I'm super duper slow!!! 

 

They'll have red delicious apples next week. 

 

I'm surprised Steve didn't say that he liked "Pink Lady Apples." 

 

*****

 

I was thirsty and went to the local Kroger to buy a soda and a produce bag to store the fruit.  As I sat in the parking lot, I put on a little bit of concealer so I wouldn't be bare faced. 

 

I went through the store looking for a produce bag.  They didn't have one.  As I ran to the soda, a fireman approached me and told me that "I was beautiful."

 

I turned red and thanked him before walking away. 

 

I left the store in tears. 

 

I didn't know him.  At least I think I didn't know him.  I may have.  My daddy was a fireman.  I grew up in this town. 

 

I cried all the way home. 

 

I don't feel beautiful. 

 

If I were beautiful, why would my ex treat me as he does? 

 

*****

 

I went to another store. 

 

Two teenagers were walking behind me and they said I was hot.  Then they laughed when they saw my face. 

 

Yep, I have daughters older than they are! 

 

This must be one heck of a dress. 

 

*****

 

I have a friend on the east coast who wears dresses. 

 

He sends me pictures of his hot dresses. 

 

I send him pictures of mine. 

 

I tried to take a picture.  Every time I bent down to hit the button on my computer's camera, my boobs would fall out. 

 

I asked my ex to take the picture and, 'lo and behold, all the picture shows is my boobs!

 

 

I finally had my nine year old take the picture so I can send it. 

 

My friend will help me fix my dress up to wear again.  If not, I'll send it to him!  

 

It's nice to have friends who are free enough to be themselves for you. 

This friend has no idea how amazing he is. 

I just wish he'd find the right woman in his town. 

Out here, we decry the men we fall for - the ones who love dresses, decorating, and shopping only to find out that they are GAY!  We can't touch them because they are GAY!

It makes many of us sad. 

Every straight woman I have ever met has one gay love she pines for. 

This one isn't gay.  He's a cross dresser.  That's cool.

Someone out there will love him for who he is. 

He also makes the most wonderful fancy coffees and he can play the fiddle like there is no tomorrow. 

He's a little too young for my taste. 

He calls me a cougar so he's off limits.   He'll call me from time to time when life gets hard for him. 

I do adore him.  He said that if we ever visit with each other again, he'll let me wear a 20's zoot suit and pick up the check. 

He'll also let me drive.  He knows not what he's asking there. 

*****

 

 

No matter who you are, you are amazing. 

 

I want to be like my friends. 

 

I want to be free to be me, to speak my truth, to be who I truly am. 

 

It's sad when you cannot do that. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.