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Pedestals and Foundations


 
Today I am thankful for pedestals and foundations.
 
 
I believe I am overwhelmed almost to the point of depression. 
 
 
I'm trying to regain my lost business with little money.
 
 
I'm trying to find a paying job working for someone else for the first time in seventeen years.
 
 
I'm trying to clean a house and a yard that I may wind up owning.
 
 
I'm in love and feel guilty about it.
 
 
I'm sleeping three hours a night. 
 
 
My skin looks like heck.
 
I can barely think. 
 
 
Today, though, I realized that I am afraid of telling my friend what is going on.  The whole thing makes me feel defensive. 
 
 
Partly because I don't know what is going on.  Partly because I have yet to yank control of my life completely away from my ex. 
  
In the therapeutic world, we have a saying
 
"The person with the most flexibility controls the system."
 
Disordered people tend to be the most flexible and thus they are often in control of everything!
 
I spend at least four hours every day trying to talk to my ex to gain some sense of understanding and closure. 
 
We've got 24 hours to go until we sign the papers. 
 
Now, he's put in a call to a therapist. 
 
Now, he wants me. 
 
I don't get it. 
 
I really don't. 

I think he only wants me because I love someone else.
 
*****
 
I believe that I have put my friend on a pedestal.  
 
 
When my life is an emotional wreck, I find refuge in his empathy and his logic. 
 
 
He thinks in the opposite fashion.  I'm more emotional and socially focused.  He's more in tune with logic and theory.  I use social rationalization and want to know if what I am doing is right with regard to people.  He uses logical rationalization and wants to know if something is right based on reason and truth. 
 
 
When I hurt, spending time with him makes all the difference in the world.  Even if we don't speak too much, just knowing that there is another way of seeing and sensing things makes a difference. 
 
 
I put him on a pedestal in my mind

but

in reality he provides me with a different foundation. 
 
 
Last week, I was incredibly depressed.  I was in incredible pain.  He was there for me...a lot! 
 
I don't want to take his time from him unless he gets something out of it.  He's busy.  I need to make myself busy, too. 
 
 
I'm trying to avoid taking much more of his time.  It's impacting his work.  This hurts me. 
 
*****
 
 
I probably shouldn't write about my Lakshmi visualization.  He doesn't go for things like that. 
 
 
Last Wednesday, I did a ritual to Lakshmi.  In the past, when I'd ask her for money, she told me that what I truly wanted was love and beauty.  She said she'd give me the gift of love and long flowing hair. 
 
 
I realized that I had love all along. 
 
 
My hair has never looked better.
 
 
During this visualization, she threw coins at me and told me that I will go to networking events and meet someone that needs a Database Manager.  She instructed me to get a business card and give it to my friend. 


At the time, I didn't know that my desire to spend time with my friend was impacting his work.  Now, I understand the wealth that Lakshmi is giving to me. 
 
 
So, today I am off to network.  
 
I am terrified about tomorrow.  I am terrified that everything left will be ripped from me and I'll end up staying here due to the legal system. 
 
Love changes everything, though.  Suddenly losing what remains of my wealth doesn't seem near as important as losing my best friend. 
 
It's interesting how one person can become so important within the span of two years, isn't it? 
 
May you find the best of life and love,
 
 
S.
 
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