Gender Bent

 

 

Oh, my goodness....today I am thankful that I found my gender bent and that he's pretty cool!

 

 

Gender Bent (noun):  a term used the local teenagers use to describe a member of the opposite sex who is uncannily similar to you in lifestyle, taste, desire, goals, dress, mannerisms and so on.  

 

*****

 

 

I freaked myself out a little bit on Friday. 

 

I spent the entire day warding off advances from my ex.  I wanted to get work done.  I couldn't. 

 

I just got ready to take my friend to a communication class where I was confronted by the stupid things I do to 'eff up my life.

 

I stayed 22 years with someone that hurts me and I stayed out of a sense of duty.  That wasn't very wise 

 

I am in denial of feelings that I have.  That's incredibly dorky, too.  

 

I hurt people because I don't tell them how I feel, especially when it is positive.  I just stoically go about doing things and trying to clean up the little fires the dysfunctional people in my life start. 

 

Of course, the fact that dysfunctional people are in my life makes me an accomplice.  I need to run off. 

 

*****

 

 

My friend invited me into his condo. 

 

I knew what was coming....or at least I thought I did. 

 

I was ill prepared for it.  I spent the entire day warding off advances from my ex, so despite what I felt I don't know if I was geared up to do anything about it. 

 

I was literally on fire. 

 

Nothing happened. 

 

*****

 

I walked into his condo and nearly fainted. 

 

It was a lot like the way I had decorated the first home I owned.  It looked a lot like the basement of this house before my ex moved into it. 

 

Everything was pine.  He had a pine wood floor.  I was collecting pine furniture for the basement.  It is eerie.  I used to have a pine futon; he has one.  I store stuff in wicker baskets; he does.  I was saving money for an electric fireplace and a wooden floor to replace the decrepit carpet; he has a pine floor.  We have the same fireplace.

 

If I had my way with the basement, it would have looked like my friend's condo.  My ex started sleeping in there in 2002, so I never really had a chance to fix it up too much.  

 

I plant things in wooden barrels as does my friend.  This is interesting.

 

Before I married, I used to have ethnic drums in my living room.  I never knew how to play them.  I just thought they were pretty.  He has ethnic drums in his living room.  

 

Of course, he has recording equipment in a prominent place in his home.  His microphone broke and I have an older version of the one he broke that I've never used.  I was hunting it down to give it to him but I can't find it.   

 

Our musical playlists are very eclectic.   The same goes for movies: we both love science fiction and political conspiracy theories! 

 

We both have exercise rooms filled with books!  I think I devote more space to work out equipment than to my clothes!  I have a lot of clothes! 

 

What freaked me out most was his kitchen.   We drink the same kind of coffee (vanilla and hazelnut).  We both grind our own beans at the time of use.  We take the same supplements (Creatine powder, protein powders and that kind of thing).  we use the same brand of cleaners.  We had the exact same appliances on our counter tops (except I have a bread maker and a crock pot).  These aren't little things like toasters; we had the same brand of coffee maker, the same coffee grinder, the same grill (which most people don't use often enough to keep on their counter tops).  

 

Oh my goodness....this person lives just like I do. 

 

I think that scared me on some level. 

 

*****

 

But then....I began to doubt if I were a good match for him. 

 

Then he started talking about the women he used to date and how they couldn't talk to their fathers.  At that moment, I began to feel sad.  I felt confronted with things my daughter said to me in front of her therapist.  She can't talk to her father.  She's angry that I've stayed with him especially when there are nicer and kinder men out there.  It hurts her to see me hurt.  She would rather live in poverty than with a mother who is sad all  of the time. 

 

The kids cheered when their father and I announced the divorce.  That was the last thing I anticipated.   I thought that I would betray them by leaving. 

 

It was that memory of my daughter talking about me to the therapist made me flee the scene.  It dawned on me exactly WHO she was talking about.  I don't want that.  Things are supposed to happen naturally.  I don't want people to push. 

 

If it works...it works.  If it doesn't...I hope it was a beautiful and pleasant experience.   

 

I wanted to go home and hug the kids. 

 

My friend followed me out to the car and made sure I got there safely.  I did.  I just wasn't sure that I'd make the drive home.  My mind was NOT on the road. 

 

I literally had to sit there to calm down before starting the ignition. 

 

*****

 

I was brimming with sexual energy which really was a bad thing.  When I came home in the wee hours of the morning, my ex came upstairs and started milling around the upper levels of the house. 

 

I went to my room and locked the door.  I did a ritual to Isis and Osiris begging to understand what I am supposed to do.  I could not sleep a wink. 

 

Of course, my ex wanted to try to seduce me for one last hurrah.  

 

The energy does NOT belong to him.  He did not bring it to the surface, someone else did. 

 

I can't see how this is going to work so long as my ex lives in the same domicile.  I may have to go camping for month or so. 

 

*****

 

Then my friend wrote something to me that is giving me pause to reconsider.  I am giving him doubts and making him uncomfortable. 

 

If he were my brother, my uncle, or a cousin who wanted my advice- I would tell him to listen to that voice.  If I tell him that now, it could hurt him. 

 

If it were me.....I would listen to that voice! 

 

If I make him uncomfortable in any way and we can't talk about it and repair it, it would be best to move on. 

 

It hurts me to type that but the truth is the truth.  Maybe I'm not right for him and we just haven't figured it out yet. 

 

We'll see.  I think I'm going to have another emotional day today. 

 

*****

 

It is just incredibly weird.  This person is very similar to me as far as tastes, lifestyle, goals, hobbies and political philosophy.  We both like philosophy.  We are both rabble rousers. 

 

The most beautiful thing is that we both come to similar conclusions but use different and completely opposite thought methodologies to get there; he's more focused on facts and quantitative data while I'm more focused on social, qualitative and psychological information.

 

Together we come up with new and better theories.  It is incredibly cool! 

 

I've never met anyone quite like him.  If we truly are so similar, I don't feel like such an alien anymore. 

 

I don't. 

 

Now, I guess it is a matter of sorting through my fears and asserting myself around my ex -or- letting go of the both of them. 

 

Only time will tell. 

****

What are my fears? 

On some level, I fear being a metaphorical mermaid.  I fear taking a hot sailor down into the depths of love and killing the wonderful freedom, the wonderful authenticity that makes him who he is. 

I fear smothering him or being smothered. 

Socially conventional ideas of couple hood are completely bothersome to me.  It's about conforming not growth.  I hate that! 

I've never had the experience of men not taking love too seriously.  They fall in love.  They want to press the issue.  They want to become exclusive.  Then they want to dictate your last name.  Then they turn into little cogs in the social machine.  They think that they have to do soul killing work, take on a soul killing role, or do something that they don't want to do because it is socially acceptable.

I don't want it to change him.  I don't want it to kill who he is or make him a shell of a human being.

I don't want that happening to me, either.

I guess that is my biggest fear.

I never thought I'd fall in love again.  I never thought I'd want to be with someone.  I fear that this is all too good to be true and that it'll morph into a do-over of what I'm going through now. 

I would be willing to suspend my fear for the right person; someone who can tell me what he wants and take time for himself while allowing me to take time for myself. 

Maybe taking it slow is the wisest course of action now. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.