Today I am thankful for Mentalism.
I think I am, anyway.
I'm not quite sure right now.
When I was a little girl, as much as I tried, I was seen as a bad girl by my parents.
When I was at my mother's house, I was always in trouble. I spent a lot of time locked away in a bedroom with my step-father's hypnosis, sleight of hand, magick, and other self-help books.
I've been a mentalist since I could read and comprehend all those books I was locked in the room with.
The truth of the matter is that my favorite book was my daddy's illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra. I loved the pictures!! I was, fortunately, far to young to know what I was looking at but the thought of blue skin was pretty nifty.
I never went back when my mother died after I was fourteen.
I did find many of those books in thrift shops, bought them, and still own them.
Yes, I do have a copy of the Kama Sutra. I can barely read it. The stuff about painful poison being swiped on men turns me off. I literally cried when I read that these men would have to cut holes in their beds to sleep due to the pain! That's NOT love! That's masochism!
I'm sorry, I do not find the thought of one partner suffering at the expense of another to be romantic at all. I am incredibly thankful that I did not understand that book when I was a little girl.
Since I was about ten years old, I've had the habit of appearing psychic at times.
I'm not.
I'm just incredibly good at reading people.
I've had a lot of practice.
It's become automatic.
To this day, people say that my ability to read their minds creeps them out.
It makes me sad.
When I was a psychotherapist, the skill came in quite handy. I could easily reflect back the things people said because I could understand them better.
On dates, it has always been a little weird. I find myself saying things like....
"I would have loved the lake. You didn't have to take me to a stuffy play!" and have been greeted with my cute companion's dropped jaw. Yes, in this instance, I saw the sand on the bottom of his shoe.
"I'll wait. The restrooms are over there.", I'll say pointing to the guy looking around anxiously.
I know they want to bang me when they squirm. When they're my age, the popping joints in their knees and hips always give them away. I never say anything.
There is one I think wants to be ravaged because in three years all he does is glow like a ghost (all the blood has moved downwards) and squirm. Yet, he's never made a move.
Sigh....
I don't know if I should let guys know that it's obvious they've read my social networking profiles a little too much. They'll take me out for Vegan food. I think I know why. I write a lot about ToFU.
When I write about ToFU, it relates to a verb. It is, quite succinctly, my phrase for the act of screwing (as in "to f you".) I eat a lot of Indian food and vegan pizza on dates for some reason.
It is sweet when I realize that some men actually put A LOT of thought into what we do together. I should thank them.
My ex likes to smirk. When he says hurtful things, he gives a little smirk. That's how I know he is ToFU-ing me in a very unfunny kinda way.
*****
I get called creepy a lot.
Today my friend told me that he found my ability to say what he is thinking to be comforting.
That's new!!!
How sweet is that???
In this case, I'm not trying to read him.
He does the same thing to me.
*****
I have a lot of metaphysical friends. Many of them have formed an opinion of my friend.
One says he's a soul mate from a previous life. This guy is not uneducated. He's a medical doctor in his professional life. This guy used to take me out on dates and bend the spoons in restaurants to impress me.
That's so hot!!!
My witch friends claim that he's "the one." They cast love spells for me, he shows up.
I'm not so sure about that. He did run away once without explanation, so maybe I'm not the one for him.
I don't blame him. I am a little on the creepy side.
I run off, too.
I'll you something. I'm not so sure. When people say things like "always", "forever", "true", "one and only"....my first instinct is to run for the hills.
My astrologer says he's my fated love but that my Mars in Sagittarius will make me fear committing to anyone. She's sure that my Moon and Venus being in Leo will bring me right back.
I don't know.
I just know that we seem to click.
I don't know for how long.
I want to run for the hills but then I worry that he's alone.
I can't do that to him again.
Yeah, I have tried to run off.
He's run off, too.
See?
It does seem like we are mirrors for each other.
It's not that I'm trying to read him.
We are just on the same darn wavelength.
It's a little hard to explain.
It scares me more than I can express with words.
If he hurts as much as I do, if he is as alone as I feel in the wee hours of the morning, it's a very painful place to be.
That thought makes my heart ache in ways I didn't think it could hurt.
I'd run off but I care too darn much.
I'm not even sure we are compatible in the way one wants to be compatible in the wee hours of the morning.
It would really suck if the chemistry isn't there.
It must be, right? Why else would we hang around each other this long?
Maybe it's just supposed to be a friendship.
I'll be very worried if I find out he's feeling the same kind of insecurity that I am.
Maybe some theories ought to be tested and some questions answered before we worry about them too much.
What do I do?
I don't know.
All I do know is that if my friend is my mirror, I feel like an incredibly cool human being.
Love ya,
S.