Ex Guilt

Today I am thankful for recognizing ex-guilt.

I'm just not sure if what I am feeling is my guilt for leaving him

-or- my reaction to his bizarre behavior that may or may not be due to his guilt.

He was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. 

I know he has zero empathy. 

I'm pretty sure he is driven by guilt. 

Due to my crazy day, this post will be sporadic.  I'm trying to document everything bizarre that is happening today. 

Last night, I went with my friend to a lecture. 

I bored his socks off. 

Trust me, that is not what I wanted off of him

and

my intention is never to remove metaphorical clothing out of sheer boredom. 

Sigh....

I came home and my ex told me that he bought me a present. 

Okay....

He said that it needed batteries.

Okay....

We don't have batteries.

Hooray!

There is a package on my bed. 

I have not looked in it. 

Should I?

I usually spend Sundays hiding from the house due to my ex's rage storms.  Tomorrow I may be hiding for another reason. 

Yes, he spent a few minutes telling me how to use the gift I refuse to look at. 

Do you want details? 

Let's just say that he ought to know me enough by now to know that I'm a naughty hypnotist.  I don't need to use vibrating toys that will cause me to go to numb in order enjoy things.  I have a trigger word.

You don't even have to touch me!

My trigger word is in the first line of a Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem and an old Frankie Goes to Hollywood song.  Couple that with a certain shade of green and I am left speechless.  Well, kind of speechless.  I DO make noise.   I just become a woman of few words. 

It is also the name of a street in my town that I cannot drive along because the green lights make me....uh.....go....come.... or whatever.  I had to drive to a hotel on that location for a political thingy yesterday.  I avoided the road but remembered the original hypnotic command.  I think I went into trance upon seeing that word on a green sign.  From that point on, I was in trance and anything my friend said as a straight command (in jest or not), I caught myself doing without thought. 

If only my friend knew why I was being dirty....and that would be the perfect place....for being bad....or good....or whatever.

Never mind, there were too many conservatives there.  That spoils the atmosphere.

*****

You know, I'm getting to the point of enjoying running away from home on Sundays.  Maybe I need some time away from men. 


Oh my..... the entire time my ex was talking about vibrating things rubbing up and down places he hasn't seen in years, all I was thinking about was an email from my friend.

I have a plan for avoiding stuff.  It's fun being an herbalist.  I know how to bring mother nature in town for a really nasty visit.

He'll leave me alone.

I'll get the last laugh. 

Okay...I've realized that I'm beginning to have trouble breathing...Darn panic attacks.  I'll update when I feel better.

 

 

See you soon.  

*****

 

Okay, I'm back. 

 

 

The day just continued to get weirder. 

 

 

He bought me chocolate. 

 

 

I ate some. 

 

 

I had a blood sugar reaction and nearly fainted.  I made it to my bedroom. 

 

 

He followed me!!! 

 

 

He entered my room!!!

 

 

He took the little black bag that I found on my bed last night and opened it.  He took out the package and, lo' and behold, produced a tiny purple vibrator. 

 

 

I asked him...."Why do you feel responsible for my orgasms all of the sudden?"

 

 

He left the room.

Due to a combination of stress and the tea I downed in order to avoid unethical sex, I'm PMS'ing a week early.  The last thing I want to see is a vibrator.

  

I noticed my books pertaining to relationships and my notes pertaining to my rituals to Isis were missing.   No matter.....I know what is happening. 

Why is he going into my bedroom? 

 

Karma will knock him down on his butt. 

 

*****

 

I fell asleep.  When I woke up, I saw my phone.  When I picked it up a beautiful message from my friend showed up on the screen. 

 

I want to tell him that there is nothing wrong with alone time.  He's allowed to be himself.  I know he loves me because I feel it.  Maybe we need a little code, I don't know.  Maybe this is taking up far too much of his time. 

 

I understand this.   I need alone time, too.  It helps me get into my creative zone.

 

I want to tell him that he has the coolest job on the planet.  He designs websites for non-profit organizations that help the downtrodden, the helpless,  the poor, the suicidal, and those with the least among us.  He doesn't think his websites make a difference. 

 

He has no clue how important his job is.  His websites inspire hope and if they get people to click through to help, that's really a good thing. 

 

I really want to tell him but I will not interrupt his time with his daughter. 

 

*****

 

I went shopping for Halloween costumes. 

 

Do you want to see what I bid on at Ebay? 

 

Okay.... This one would look hot with a Victorian mask!

 

 

 

I also bid on this one.  I think it would make a fun flower child costume. I could wear my platform stripper boots and put a wreath of flowers in my hair. 

 

 

 

 

Then there is this one.  Fredericks of Hollywood used to have a store a few miles away.  I miss that place.  This one only needs a crop whip. 

 

 

 

Decisions.....decisions....decisions. 

 

Which costume would be more ravage worthy in October? 

 

Hmmmmm......

 

#3 would probably intimidate my friend, so that's out. 

 

I really wish I could find #1 in red.  I'd go as a torch singer....

 

Birds do it....

Bees do it....

Even educated fleas do it....

Let's do it....

 

Sigh....

 

That would be fun!!!   

 

*****

 

As far as Karma, she hit my ex hard. 

 

He's violently ill. 

As he was....uh....vacating the toxins from his gastrointestinal system, I asked permission to go into his room.  I put sheets, blankets, new pillow, and a comforter on his bed.  He didn't have any of these things.  

 

Why? 

 

I gave him a bottle of ice cold water. 

 

He now has a box of tissues. 

 

He has a puke bucket now. 

 

He started to cry. 

 

Why? 

 

At least I don't have to worry about deflecting sexual moves tonight. 

 

Maybe I won't have to run away from home tomorrow. 

 

That room is a pig pen.  I don't know how he lives there without dying.  I think I saw mold on the carpet. 

No wonder he is sick!!!   

 

Love ya,

 

S.