Today I am thankful for what I found beside my bed today.
It has been a bizarre night.
I spoke to my friend on the phone and was as inarticulate as I usually am when he is around.
Being on the telephone doesn't fix stupidity nor does it hide it.
My ex heard the phone ring and heard me say "Hey, Steve!"
He decided to make his presence known. He got loud. He started talking loudly. He made me dessert. He kept interrupting me.
What the heck is this all about?
Jealousy?
Oh my goodness....
I need to move out...
but I can't....
but I must...
This is all so very surreal.
The divorce has to be final or contested by the end of the month or the judge will throw it out.
It has gone on for far too long.
*****
I blogged for a bit.
I tried to record my voice. I did a tiny recording but you can tell I was crying.
Why?
Because I am in love
and
I am terrified.
I have a lot of regrets.
I don't see an end to this. If only I had not gone back, if only I had followed through when my ex left in 2011,
if only I'd done this....
if only I'd done that...
I'd be free to be with my friend.
I have so many regrets.
*****
Last night I had a crazy dream. My ex and I were standing in an amusement park. He was pretty far away, so we had to yell at each other in order to communicate. All of my friends were getting on a roller coaster. The entrance of the ride looked very tame and was painted like a little brick house.
As my friends entered their seats, they were randomly seated next to one member of the opposite sex.
There were love songs blaring in the area. The one I remember was a Dolly Parton song.
My friends were beckoning me to get on that ride.
I knew better than to go on that roller coaster. I could make out the cries of pain behind the serene facade.
My ex is yelling at me. "Go ahead" he shouts.
"No." I whisper, "I hate that ride."
*****
My friend, yet again, offered me the opportunity to take communication classes with him. He asked me over a year ago. I declined.
I'd love to go -but- I fear too much.
I fear my ex won't go away and it will be a thorn in my side. How can I be with someone new if my baggage is following me around?
If I could learn to communicate, the ride would be much different. If I found someone I could relate to better, the ride would be much more pleasant.
Communication classes are a great idea.
Maybe I'll learn how to verbalize my thoughts better. I get the sense that he wants me to learn to ask for what I want. The problem is that I don't know.
I do admire how he can ask for what he wants directly. That would be a nice skill to have.
*****
I didn't think I cold ever find love.
I think it found me.
How can I allow it to grow with all this death, pain, confusion, and sadness in my life?
*****
I awoke to find that a wilted rose that I had cleared away from Aphrodite's altar had new growth.
Every Friday, I buy Aphrodite a gift.
A few weeks ago, it was a red rose. I believe I bought it on a Thursday night after seeing my friend briefly at a bar. He seemed so open and happy. I haven't seen that side of him for awhile.
I miss that side of him.
Usually, when I replace the roses, I recycle the petals and use them in my homemade cosmetics.
I got lazy that week and just set it down in it's vase by my bedside.
This morning, I noticed that it had new growth. A thorn had turned into a new branch.
I'm not sure what to make of this.
I have a dead rose with a living thorn.
Does this mean that my love is dead and the thorn in my side is still alive?
Or is this a sign that when I thought my ability to love was dead, it came back to life?
Does it mean that new love sprung from pain?
I don't know.
All I know is that I feel the need to be on the lookout for miracles. Maybe something will shift for me in the next few days.
My ex and have our final mediation session on Wednesday. I hope for a lot more clarity then.
I am realizing that I am holding back from love out of fear that I will never officially end things with my ex.
I fell in love with a friend. I respect him far too much to risk breaking his heart.
I thought that if I kept my distance and kept quiet, he wouldn't know I love him. He wouldn't feel it. I thought that there was no risk of hurting him if he didn't know.
I don't have a poker face. I can't hide my thoughts well at all.
He knows.
He feels it, too.
I'm hoping for another miracle.
Love ya,
S.