Creativity & Altered States

 

Today I am thankful for creativity and altered states of consciousness.

 

 

I saw my friend today. 

 

He swung by the office to pick up the fruit I bought him.  As I handed him the bag, I realized that I must subconsciously want to make the guy my lollipop. 

 

Fruit makes everything taste better. 

 

I think I started to blush or shake. 

 

Eye contact was weird at that moment.

 

Oh, I love that guy. 

 

I can't show him. 

 

I had filthy thoughts and I tried to push them away.  I promised my office mate that I would keep the energy of that office pure.  I did my best.

 

I was a good girl. 

 

At least, I tried to be. 

 

He tapped away at his Smartphone.  I thought about....uh..things one would not do during his lunch hour.  

 

He likes to ride his bike. I showed him the bike path outside of the office building through the window.  I have filthy fantasies (actually they're nocturnal dreams ) of getting close on a hiking trail. 

 

Of course, the eye contact left again. 

 

Thank goodness, I couldn't find the unicorn horn lollipops that I bought to give him a chuckle.

 

As he left, I hugged him. 

 

I realized that this is not going to work because we are both too shy. 

 

That hurt me quite deeply. 

 

Then, of course, I found the lollipops when he left and got to think about things I'll probably never get to do.  There will probably be a unicorn left untamed. 

 

Sigh...

 

*****

 

I thought about the three guys I dated. 

 

One was an introvert (INTJ) and the other two were extroverts (ENTP and ESTP). 

 

I only had a rousing, actively, fun time with the extroverts.  The introvert and I had trouble getting close on a physical level.  I thought it was our age but, maybe, it had more to do with the introversion and our shyness.

I do feel closer to the INTJ than the others.  Of the three, he's the only one I really care about and trust completely.   If he needed a kidney, I'd put myself on the list. 

I just wouldn't know how to....uh...kiss him on the cheek (any of 'em).   I think this has always been a major cause of frustration in our relationship. 
 

I think the men had to make the first move.  I think the introvert and I were only able to get close during times of stress, meditation, or during his 'highs.'

 

That's weird. 

 

*****

 

I had to leave work earlier than I had planned because my ex didn't communicate his intention to pick up the girls.  I tried to call him.  There was no answer.  So, I left to go pick them up from school. 

 

On the way home, I heard a pastor on the radio talk about how prayer and meditation make people want to have relations.  He advised people not to go into altered states unless they were secure in their coupledom (which in a Christian world means marriage or as I will now call it "couple-doom".)

 

I wonder....

 

Do I need to enter into a theta state to even be more open to him?  

 

*****

 

I enjoy hearing his voice. 

 

I enjoy being in his presence, 

 

He makes me feel safe enough to relax. 

 

That sounds weird, doesn't it? 

 

I can run into that man at times when I am shaking like a leaf and within five minutes, the panic attacks stop, the shaking stops, and I think a little better. 

 

I think my communication is still a little whacked out.  I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts.  Maybe a class would help me with that.

 

The truth is that the things that freak me out, don't bug me when he is near. 

 

I can walk in public and not fear the stalking. 

 

I am going to work without fear. 

 

I even let him take one of my brochures with my picture.  In the past, I was reluctant to give those out because Doug and Shannon used to walk around with my picture and ask people questions about my whereabouts.   I can't believe I let the "stalking" bug me so much.  I am not sure it is stalking now, maybe my in-laws are just abusive assholes that don't have lives of their own. 

 

I don't know.

 

It is nice that time with my friend makes me feel closer to him -  but then I feel so insecure that I don't know how to open up. 

 

It's probably due to the stress. 

 

*****

 

So what do I do? 

 

Can two introverts hook up?

 

How? 

 

I don't know. 

 

This is where the creativity comes in.  How can I creatively induce an altered state of consciousness so that I can be more open with my friend?

 

I'll try the brainwave thingy.  Maybe I just need to be a little more relaxed in general. 

 

My Scorpio friend told me to try pot.  I've never smoked in my life.  She informed me that I don't have to smoke it. 

 

Oh....okay. 

 

Let me try the brainwave synch stuff first. 

 

*****

 

I should also stop trying to feed my friend fruit.  It's not like I'm going to be enjoying any benefit of that in the near future.  It is also quite creepy doing that knowing that my filthy subconscious mind has ulterior motives. 

 

If I'm being a good friend, that's one thing. 

 

If I have a flash of filth, it's another. 

 

Feeding someone fruit to sweeten their stuff is a little on the controlling side. 

I mean, it would be healthier to take a massage course and share that because he'd get some benefit from getting massages, if he wanted them.  He can say no.  There would be no ulterior motive there.  Taking the class would benefit me because I'd learn something.

Feeding him fruit so I can have a little taste...that is just wrong. 

I'm not even sure he likes fruit.  I think the offer originally stemmed from an argument about the quality of certain types of produce.  It turned into something filthy. 

 

I'm so mad at me right now!!   

 

I can't believe I thought like that. 

 

I can't believe how dirty my subconscious mind is! 

 

Wow....

 

*****

 

The Gods have brought the perfect man to me.  He's smart.  He's into the same things I'm into.  We have similar politics.  He's into NLP just like I am.  We have the same hobbies. 

 

Today I learned that he knows more about audio recording technology than I do!  I had no idea that he composes music and plays the synth and drums.    He has a channel on a popular download website.  There is something, though, about his music that sounds familiar.  I'll have to investigate that. 

 

Maybe he's posted it before and I listened to it not knowing who it was.  Huh?

 

This is too good to be true. 

 

Maybe I shouldn't question everything. 

 

Maybe I should meditate. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.