Today I am thankful when I recognize denial.
I feel as if I am standing neck deep in a river in Egypt.
There is chaos all around me.
There are weirdoes, players, bullies, demons, and thieves.
There are also musicians, artisans, theologians, Gods, and loves.
It's a noisy place to be.
I can't think!!
All I want to do is find a focal point so that I can guide myself out of the river.
Then I had a thought. Rather than push the noise out of my head, what would happen if I became part of it?
*****
People are asking me what I want.
For years, what I wanted never counted.
I'm not sure that it does until I get safe.
I am realizing that I want does impact my communication style. What I want determines who I spend time with, who I talk to, and what I say.
It determines what I do, what I think, what I focus on and how I spend my time.
What do I want?
I don't believe that I am worthy of what I want.
I'm not sure that my desires would accept or want me.
I am reminded of something my friend wrote a couple of years ago. He wrote
"You don't have to be perfect to be loved."
This is not the way that I have experienced life and love.
I had to be perfect,
quiet,
dutiful,
beautiful,
seen yet not heard.
I became used to hiding myself, giving up myself, giving up my time, and giving up my voice.
Then I decided to give more love than I received.
The trade off of getting it wasn't worth it.
I loved sharing it.
The problem with giving it and not allowing it to come back, is that eventually someone will come along that wants to return it.
I was too slow in recognizing it.
*****
The past twenty hours or so, I have been in denial about my friend.
Just because I love someone, it doesn't that this person loves me,
When he sat in front of me, talking about determinism and defining causal relationships, I felt it was a metaphor for a relationship...
buy my head told me 'no!'
I felt love flowing off of him
but my head told me 'no!'
When he is near me, I feel like he's ten feet tall
but our reflections in the mirror tell me 'no!'
When we sit at a table together, I feel like he is the only person in the world with something to say
but what my ears and eyes pick up when I glance around the room tells me otherwise.
I ignored my feelings.
I listened to my head.
Yes...my friend loves me but not in the manner that I feel.
That's what I tell myself every single day.
He loves me....like a friend.
Yesterday was my birthday and he posted a little Happy Birthday ASCII code to a social networking website. I initially thought it looked like fireworks!
♥«´¨`•°HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIEGFRED!! °•´¨`»♥
.¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)`*•.
This morning, my telephone malfunctioned. I dropped it last week and it hasn't been the same. The ringer doesn't work and it vibrates at the strangest of times.
In the wee hours of the morning, my phone started to light up and vibrate. I grabbed it and saw my friend's picture. I saw what he sent
Then I noticed the hearts in the border.
Uh....
perhaps my mind missed what my heart has been telling me for the past two years.
*****
I decided at 6:00 this morning that I will join a group to discover how to communicate, so that I don't continue with my newfound ambiguous attachment style.
When I was a little girl, I was securely attached to my grandparents. They were the center of my universe.
I think I have an insecure attachment style, though, in recent relationships.
I'm wondering why.
I do know that I am terrified of receiving love. .
I fantasize about giving it.
I fear getting it.
I'll have to consider why that is.
In meditation, I ask why and find my insecurity saying that
"I'm not beautiful enough."
To get it, I have to reveal my flaws; my cellulite, my stretch marks, my white hair, my wrinkles, the dry skin on my feet, my chipped toenail polish, and the tears that I will probably cry the first time I 'O'.
That's only on a physical level.
Emotionally, I AM a mess. I don't remember who I am anymore.
I used to play bass.
I used to draw.
I used to cook.
I used to throw fun parties.
I used to have a flirtatious and playful type of sexuality.
I used to be much more than I am now due to the stalking.
I need to find myself.
I am NOT listening deep enough to other people.
All of the noise around me makes it hard to hear.
That makes me UGLIER than any stretch mark filled body part ever could.
*****
I will start to make noise and speak my own truth. Maybe that will clear enough space to truly take in the truths of others.
What I want to do is invite my friend into my life as far as he wants to go.
I'll take a couple of hours this morning to consider what to do.
There is a festival in my home town today.
Perhaps I can take my kids.
There is a candy store there, they sell everything.
I betcha I can find a scary huge Unicorn Horn with sparkles.
I'm going to look.
The best part of that is the name that will be found on the bag the candy will turn up in.
The name of the store is Scrumptious!!
How fun is that??
*****
When we last met, my friend and I spoke about baptism rituals. People covering their bodies with water and coming up as new and different people who acknowledge making some big change in their lives.
Well...if I'm in the metaphorical river, I may as well dunk my head and pay attention to de Nile. .
See you on the other side.
Love ya,
S.