DTR

 

 

Today I am thankful for DTR.

It's not that it doesn't scare me, it does.  I think the thought of not having my friend in my life scares me more.

DTR stands for "defning the relationship." 

I'm thinking that DTR is his way of getting over the shyness I'm experiencing.

Yeah, he's been dropping hints about defining relationships.  At first I doubted that this had anything to do with me.  Part of me still does. 

First, I assumed he was talking about the definitions pertaining to economics and political theory. 

Then it was workplace relationships as it pertains to management theory.

I made up a ton of excuses. 

Then I realized that I spent over an hour with him on Friday. 

He called me on Saturday. 

We texted back and forth on Sunday.

We spent over an hour together on Monday.

I nearly took him to a political event on Tuesday.  I did that thinking it would help him make contacts that will help him be seen as an expert.  Libertarians are confused by anarchists.  I thought it would be good to have him in the midst.

I have to say, though, Tuesday evenings are the worst nights to party. 

We both have solid work ethics. 

Oh, my goodness.  I think we could be an item. 

Then, I did my Google ego-search.  I want to see if the art I create comes up under my name, even if I brand it under my business name. 

Yeah, it does. 

So does my friend's picture. 

Even the Internet thinks we are an item. 

Maybe I should read between the lines a little bit better.

 

*****

 



Love is an interesting thing. 

 

I know I drive him nuts. 

 

I know my driving scares him. 

 

I know my communication with him is iffy. 

 

Sometimes my rhythms are off. 

 

Love is there.  It's weird.  It is there. 

 

I genuinely care about this man.  I don't care what silly stuff he does (like ice me out for two weeks or piss off my friends) I still want to be near him simply because of the love that I feel for him.  

 

This is quite a bit different from what I am used to dealing with. 

 

He must care about me despite my weirdness because he spends time with me, too. 

 

When other guys hit on me, I think of him. 

 

When my friends try to set me up with guys that look like him, I can't consider that.  Actually there is only one that looks like him.  The others are just man whores with nice tools (allegedly...I have no clue as I've never seen them).  NO, I am NOT interested.

 

*****

 

There is anxiety though about entering into a relationship with anyone. 

 

Have I picked up NPD habits?

 

Can I learn to communicate better? 

 

Can I learn to be more attuned to what he needs?  

 

 

What if we go further and I forgot how to kiss, or screw? 

 

What if I forget the flour? 

 

What if....[censored] or [censored] or my Medusa head turns him rock hard and he shatters? 

 

I thought celibacy would make it easier when I found someone I liked. 

 

It didn't. 

 

It makes it harder to get involved.

 

Worse, what if my ex never leaves? 

 

What if the divorce finally goes through and he stays here with me for financial reasons? 

 

What if the stalking continues? 

 

What if?  What if?  WHAT IF?

 

I need a sedative. 

 

Champagne perhaps? 

 

I've had enough whine.

 

I'm beginning to think that sex is just like giving a speech or performing on stage. 

 

Just do it.  The first time may be awkward but after a while, you want to do it all the darn time!

 

*****

 

I tried to have the Define the End of the Relationship talk with the ex.  It came about in the strangest way.

 

It was a bad day.  I wanted to go to a party but I ended up staying home because I got the sense my ex wouldn't be with the kids after school.  I was right. 

 

So I stayed home.  We spoke when he returned. 

He returned excited about inviting me to dinner parties with another couple in the neighborhood.  He said that they want us to visit every Tuesday and spend a day in the fall together at a community event.

Aren't we divorcing?

I asked him to define the relationship.  As of 8:00 tonight, it looked like it was over. 

 

I mean, he told me that he wanted to save our marriage like he has said since 1999.

 

I asked him if he called a therapist yet.  His reply was

 

"Let's just sign the divorce papers then"

 

and then he stomped off to the basement claiming that

 

"You're obviously happier with someone else anyway."

 

Then he promised to call the mediator to finish the documents.

 

Okay....sounds good. 

He was supposed to do that a month ago.
 

I was so tired that I fell asleep at the computer. 

 

I awoke at 11:00 p.m. with a four page letter next to me. 

 

He wants to bang me because he loves me...someday...after he loses 200 pounds. 

 

He wants to save our marriage. 

 

But if he can't, he will honor any divorce agreement that he writes. 

 

I couldn't read the whole thing. 

 

It makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

 

I know he spent a lot of time on the document.  He's left me so many times over the past thirteen years due to his mother's lies that he got used to writing these letters to me so I'd take him back.  He never follows through.....ever!  

 



Sigh.....

 

 

I don't understand. 

 

Is this defined as over yet? 

 

Or do I need to wait for a judge? 

 

It should have been final on the 17th.  Even the judge is losing his patience with our lack of ability to come to an agreement.  I don't have the financial docs.  I may just lie and say I got them in order to get it over with. 

 

I'd ask my ex what he means but he is in his basement sleeping. 

 

Now if I were less of a perfectionist, I would have stolen a kiss from my friend in public and let my gossipy frenemies end the marriage for me. 

 

But - I like my friend too much to tarnish his image. 

 

I'm also a straight shooter.  Games are too complicated.

 

*****

 

I don't know. 

 

Here is my fear. 

 

My fear is that this mess will look like it is finally over.

 

It will look like the old game is finally over.

 

I'll be ready to have a ball with someone I adore.

 

I'll get physical and really like it. 

 

Those love hormones will be going all over the place. 

 

Then, the judge will dismiss my divorce action and my friend will be too frustrated to see me again. 

 

I fear us both staggering away with broken hearts.  

 

I don't want to hurt anyone. 

 

I get the sense that is exactly what I am doing. 

 

The person that I am hurting is not just anyone, either. 

 

I care for him

 

-yet-

 

I am withholding affection, thinking it is the right thing. 

 

Maybe I need to pray about it a little more. 

 

If this is what the Gods want, a path should present itself.....right?

 

*****

 

Something has got to give.

 

I've never had a man want to do the DTR talk so early.

 

I guess we should. 

 

Maybe he's not into me as much as I'm into him

-or-

maybe he's not sure if I'm banging other guys and he doesn't want to take prescription meds.

 

I guess it is time to have the 'what are your needs' talk. 

 

Maybe we can do it on a hiking trail.

 

With little goblets and champagne on a blanket.  I need to loosen my tongue a little bit.  I haven't been in a relationship with someone who cares about what I need since I was 17 years old!

 

I may need alchohol or valerian.  Valerian, though, smells worse than garlic. 

 

It needs to be alcohol.

 

I guess there is nothing worse than being stuck in limbo. 

 

Perhaps it is high time to break out of it. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.