Today I am thankful for sticks and handkerchiefs.
I mean it.
I really, really do.
Okay, so the court agreement isn't going to happen in real life.
Nice....
The car I was promised is out.
Okay...
In fact, he may wind up using mine in order to keep his job.
Okay....
At least, as of today, I no longer feel guilty for being offered so much.
Just because the court order says I'll get something, does not mean it will happen in reality.
This is of little consequence.
My eye is on the prize of freedom.
*****
Today I feel like I am living in the twilight zone.
I fell asleep in tears.
I'm in love but can't do anything about it.
The man I adore has scruples.
That means that we have to wait until this debacle is over.
Part of me hopes he has a hottie on the side. Sex is medicine for men. They need it. I want him to live an awfully long time.
Sigh....as for me....he awakened something I cannot experience.
It's a painful place to be.
I'm losing confidence that my ex is going to leave anytime soon.
*****
I awoke to take the kids to school.
My ex's car was in the garage.
He was in the basement.
I was terrified that his 400+ pound frame finally gave out on him.
Every time he does this, I fear finding him dead.
He was alive.
He just chose not to go into work.
He said that it was because he overslept.
Later on today, I learned that it is because his car needs repaired.
He may wind up with mine.
*****
All day long he tried to hug me.
It's like all of the sudden, he wants to make up for all those years where he didn't want to touch me.
This is awkward.
I am actually wearing blue jeans today. I love dresses. In my everyday life, I would usually wear a dress or a skirt.
Pants are harder to rip off.
I am still horrified from the day he liked my dress, made a mess on my leg, and then ran off to devour potato chips in front of the kids.
I washed up and found him wrist deep in a bag of potato chips. He didn't even wash his hands!!!
Never again.
No dresses!!
*****
This hurts me.
I'm incredibly lonely.
I miss being touched by a man.
I have to trust them before they can touch me.
I do not trust my ex.
All day long I tried to explain that love does not equate to trust.
I will probably never trust him.
I stayed here today so he could use my van to get parts for his car.
He has not left.
*****
I don't know what to do.
I truly don't know.
He says that it is time for me to do what I want.
Well.....
Hmmmmm......
he won't like that answer.
This is breaking my heart.
Would it be bad to run away?
The court ordered him to move out by November 1.
I could make myself scarce until then.
I need to find somewhere to go.
Love ya,
S.