Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for police statement analysis training programs.     My training in this arena is quite limited.  I know Neuro-linguistic programming and quite a bit about body language.      I know little about how police are trained to probe for lies.    I never knew how they knew what to focus on during interrogations.    I never understood how they made sense of my non-sense when I am hysterically crying over some broken lock.    Somehow they always manage to say what I know to be the truth.    Even when the cops were called out here at 2:00 a.m. the morning after I pissed off the city attorney, the cops knew I wasn't telling them the entire truth.      I didn't want to bad mouth their boss.      How did they know?    Blue words.  Blue words are words that indicate sensitivity. They show areas where police officers s...

Today I am thankful for divorce  (and 9 black candles with clove oil).   I'm getting hassled by code enforcement....again.  Someone was in my back yard and complained about the trash on my deck.  No one can see the trash containers unless they are standing on the deck.   The deck encompasses the back door leading into the kitchen. This is the door that had the broken locks. I spent the night trying to talk to my ex to try to get a sense of whether or not he knew who was complaining. I'm thinking that if I can get the name of the complainant, it may actually give us proof of the stalking and give me the identity of the person who broke our locks. After six hours, he said that his brother likes to pick locks and noted that every apartment that I've rented had damaged locks. He told me that if he didn't give his family members keys, they would damage my locks. So, it would appear they have been breaking in my homes since before we were married!...

Today I am thankful for love.   Up until a couple of days ago, this is what I thought of love.  Love was always the disaster.  Friendship set on fire was okay.  It was just when some guy wanted to shove a damn golden ring on my finger - everything went to hell in a hand basket.  I swore off love.  I swore off marriage.  The only kind of committment I would agree to would involve a huggie jacket.  I thought that I just wanted to find someone to mess around with. He had to be smart.  He had to be fun. He had to be a friend. I did find the perfect guy. He seemed like it would be good for him, too because the first time I met him I caught him staring at my butt... Speaking of buts..... I liked him too much.... to use him like that. After getting to know him, I learned that he has more ethics in his little finger than I have in my entire body.  So...I couldn't do it.  ...

  Today I am thankful that I'm making connections about motive.   Last night, my eldest daughter paid me a visit. She told me that when her father and I were not home, she often heard the front door open and heard footsteps. She then heard the front door shut. It always happened during the day. It always happened when both of our cars were gone on pre-planned trips. She never told me because she thought it was in her imagination. She said that this has gone on as long as she can remember. This is happening to our other daughters. This is happening to me.   *** On my birthday, I caught Shannon with some kind of key inserted into our front door lock. It took me six months to convince my ex (our home's co-owner) to change the locks. A week after the locks were changed, someone mangled the new lock on the back door. When I picked up the phone to call the police department, my ex balked. Now.....I'm beginning to believe ...

    Today I am thankful for my conscience.   If one where to try to give it a humanized form, it would appear as the little angel on my right shoulder. When people get stupid and act in abusive ways, she tells me to visualize myself as a bird and fly above the fray.  The only issue with this is that I have a little devil on my left shoulder.  She agrees that I am a bird.  She agrees that I should circle high above the assholes. The assholes smell like sewage.  The assholes wouldn't notice anything white that just so happened to come down from the sky.  Yep...that's my little devil.  So, my mantra for today is to fly above the bullshit artists and await the perfect time for me to share with them my critique of their manner and methods.  Very nice.... NOT! Stay out of my way today! Love ya, S. 

Today I am thankful that I am exiting a dead man's party.   It's a pity party.  I think it still counts.  The sad thing, though, is the realization that this man never truly lived. ***        I'm not sure what the stalking is about. What I do know is that my ex would complain to his mother about about me.  I don't think he meant what he said as complaints, rather, they were excuses for what they both refused to do.  He didn't want to go to college, she didn't want to pay for it - so they blamed me. He didn't want to have Sunday dinner with her, she didn't want to cook it - so they blamed me.  It makes sense.  I am the scapegoat.  Somewhere along the line, my previous loves (both of them) were dragged into it.  One is scary.  I doubt they played with him.  The other lives far away.  Thank goodness.  I think it's all good now.  I do wonder, thoug...

Today I am thankful that I'm not a narcissist because they can't have hot sex with another human being   ...ever...   Those poor little babies... They can pretend but if they can't feel, one wonders how they can enjoy the energy.  It's not my issue any more.  I admit to being a brat.  Yes..... Manipulating them isn't very nice.  I know.  It is effective.  But it is borderline evil.  I didn't cast a single spell on Lithia.  Nope.  I watched Star Trek the Wrath of Khan over and over and over. So, guess what I'm thinking about?  Revenge.... is a dish best served cold.   That's my favorite line from a movie.  My favorite lyric comes from Oingo Boingo.  "I used to eat people like you for breakfast." My stalker had best run away..... run far away.... don't look back...  I've got my protection spell in the works and it has nothi...

I love this YouTube Video.  You call tell the uploader lives near an airport.   I do, too.  The airplanes give a special roar to my recordings, too.  I hate trying to edit them out! Today I am thankful for holidays.  Happy Lithia. On the bright side, the day is long which means I'll have less night to feel sorry myself.  Hooray!!  Okay, I have no excuse.  Isis helped me.  Osiris helped me.  A friend sent me candles.  I burned one of them for five minutes. He showed up within a day.  He went away.    I brought them back out.  He came back.  I cast spells to bring him a real woman.  He went away.  When I thanked the Gods for showing me that I could actually enjoy being around a man, he came back.  Aye Curumba!  I don't know anymore.  Aphrodite and Eros helped me, too.  I squirm.  The scars on my face are fading awa...

As much as I think it is overpriced, takes too long, and isn't fair to taxpayers because corporations profit from it, today I am thankful for public transit.   He took my van again in the middle of the night. I guess it is gone for good. He claims he overslept again, missed his ride and took my van....again. I doubt his friend is going to give him any more rides into work. I'm glad I've stopped making appointments because I knew this would happen. This is why I can't live with him....married or not. I can't share a domicile with him. I'm still acting like his wife but not getting any benefits out of this arrangement. I clean for him.  I cook for him.  He still tries to control the heck out of me. This isn't right. Everything I own belongs to him and I'm always giving up what I need to bail him out of a jam. Yes, I did cancel my classes today because I was violently ill and could barely think. If I had insurance, I would have go...

Today I am thankful for dreams for they show me what I truly fear.  I had what I refer to as a WTF dream. In this dream, I'm in my house. It's clean. It no longer smells like obese obnoxious man butt. The carpet has been replaced. I have Tibetan bowls and red oriental rugs in my bedroom. There are lots and lots of red pillows with gold trim. Don't ask me why. I have allergies. Decorative pillows turn into little sneeze machines after a while. I'm frollicking on the carpet with a dear friend who recently got married. Naked... If I ever do that, I would expect his darling wife to find my Glock and put me out of my misery. I could never forgive myself for such a transgression. I like her more than I like him. So...it will never happen. Maybe this goes back to why I treated him like crap years before he met his beautiful wife. Yeah....it's an older friendship. Anyway in the dream, we're frolicking around and I'm doing all s...

Today I am thankful for revelations; religion is going to be a factor in my future relationships. My friend posted a picture to Facebook.  I'm shocked!  Why insult the Gods that bring you what you need?  The following quote is the quickest way to send a Pagan off to buy some rose oil and orris root, bath herself in one while dusting herself with the other before proceeding to hang out at metaphysical fairs knowing she's going to get lucky.  Maybe I'll just wear my homemade Egyptian Musk.  I've never met a Pagan that worships the government.  In fact, most Pagans I know are politically agnostic or Libertarian.  I should know....they worship with me.  I'll light a candle to Ares and apologize.  I'm too tired to stay up until the hour of Venus and give a sincere and heartfelt apology to the others.  Maybe I can do that on Friday.  Yeah, originally the archetype of the Gods/Goddesses of Love were ...

Today I am thankful for the realization that yesterday I experienced the last argument I'll ever have with my ex.    I received the court documents today.   It hit me, I'll never have to argue with my ex again. Anything abusive or stupid that he does will find him answering to the police department or a judge.  I will help him find the money to "repair" his car.  His mechanic promised to look at my van.  I'll continue to look for a job to minimize or eliminate the possibility of alimony.   When he realized that I was trying to help him, I got my beat up van back.  I'll let him use it on days I do not have a job interview or class.  I get the sense that the dispute wasn't about the van.   I'm not sure what it was about. Money? Control?  I don't know.  I should probably study Non Violent Communication more.  My technique for extracting the information w...

Today I awoke to find my vehicle in the garage.  I ran errands and set up seven appointments with potential employers. I'm going to leave for the courthouse in fifteen minutes. Life seems to be good. I checked my email. I finally got around to checking a rarely used email account.  There was a message from my ex. He is trying to paint himself out as a hero for riding the bus.  It took several hours.  He had to walk.  He raided all the funds from the change bucket yet he complained that he didn't have enough bus fare. What do you want to bet that he's going to want to use my van until I 1.) sign a statement allowing him to raid the retirement accounts so he can "repair" his car 2.) cancel all those job interviews why he waits for the repairs because he'll need my van. I don't understand why he can't catch a ride with someone in our neighborhood.  He works with the guy the owns the convenience store down the street!!!  Another co-worker...

Today I am thankful for psychiatric journals. I'm a former academic.  I find solace and comfort with them. For 21 years, I've been living with a guy who claims to have had seizures his entire life. I've never seen them. When he blamed them for his violent outbursts, I asked him to see his childhood neurologist.  He was told he had no seizure disorder and was told he had Intermittent Explosive Anger Disorder and put on Neurontin. He became scarier. He had an MRI done, he does not have a seizure disorder. He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder last fall. I was always told he had a Traumatic Brian Injury that caused the seizures and his violent outbursts. He has no head injury. He has no seizures. Well...in my attempt to understand what I have been trying to run away from, I did some research on personality disorders. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have conversion disorder resulting in pseudo (non-epileptic) seizures. On the b...