Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for emotions because, on some level, I think it will help me clear out the nasty stuff in my life.     I think I've been sad and afraid most of the time in recent years.     I've been afraid of the stalking.      I've been afraid of my ex.      I've felt a lot of love and kinship for friends but, in shame, I have been guilty of avoiding them due to my fears about the stalking.      This morning, I woke up afraid about money.      I have inherited the bills.      I signed away my right to alimony or the tax credits.     I need a job.     I feel compelled to make money.      That's easy.      Now, I am not sure if I am angry or sad.      Maybe I am a little bit of both.      I am lonely.      I've been alone for years.  I've slept alone for years.  My ex started sleeping apart from me in 2001.      I wonder what life would be like if I had a real p

Today I am thankful for demons.   Yeah...I'm Pagan.  Demons are a way of life.  We examine the inner demons.  We examine the outer demons. Demons.... demons.... everywhere!   I don't know where to start.  The ESTP ex in the basement had a rage attack this morning.  This rage attack was another "I'm your stalker 'cuz the cops say so" attacks.  He's screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting his legs, and tantruming like a little baby.  He wanted to know why I couldn't stay with him.  The stalking is part of the reason.  I still hate sleeping alone.  It is NOT normal to constantly inspect door knobs for signs of damage and to look over your shoulder for 500 pound bitchy sister-in-laws wanting to pound your head in.  When I told him that I fear him because of the stalking, he went insane.  I also learned that he lied to me in order to put the divorce off until next year.  He won't owe taxes

  Today I am thankful for therapists.     I have a background in psychotherapy.  I  quit practicing when the stalking started to get to me.      The biggest perk of being a psychotherapist is that I know my competition.  When I need help, I know who to call.     I can knock out big issues in little time.    *****     On an aside, I hate the word psychotherapist.  Do you want to know why?      Spell it out.....     What do you get?      Psycho-the-rapist!      The psychologists must've done that as a subliminal marketing ploy to send all the business their way!    *****   Why did I go?    I went because I'm afraid to kiss my friend.      And....   now I know why.      I also get panic attacks everytime I speak about my ex.      I can trace my first panic attack as an adult to the day I caught my ex sitting outside of one of my classes watching me.      So, now....I have a memory of

  Today I am thankful for my ex's acting.     We sign the divorce papers tomorrow at noon.  Well, actually we sign at 12:30.    He's going to ask the court to hold the hearing on January 2nd, so he saves $5,000 on taxes.    Nonetheless, the agreement is ready to go.    It's a little bit scewed in my favor but if I can get a new job maybe the judge will let me give some of the IRA to my ex if I ask.  I guess there is a benefit to putting the final hearing off.    My ex wanted to friend me on Facebook to keep in touch.    Okay.      He's preparing to move out of the basement and Facebook would make it easier to communicate without the emotional response he gets when hearing my voice.      Okay.    *****     Different people express love in different ways.  Some people like to talk.  Some people like to touch.  Some people like to take care of details.  Some people like to give gifts.  Some people like to affirm

Today I am thankful for female perception.        Let me help a curious guy out with a little insight into female perception.      Mean men are perceived to have smaller dicks than nice ones.       You see.....my perception of size and ability is relative to a man's kindness.    In my world, if a man tries to provoke me into anger in the hopes of make-up sex.      I'll sing this song to him.        Break-up sex is non-existent.   Worse, making fun of a me in a public forum with your bros will get you banished from my life.  Never....ever....do that!  Now, if you're honest and kind there are other songs that come to mind.    I might sing this to you IF I'm not too busy playing.       It's your call!   Love ya,   S.     

    Today I am thankful for block smashing days.   I woke up and all of the idiotic things that were in the way of my progress went away.  I found a short term therapist for PTSD help; I think this is why I am having intimacy blocks.  I'll be fixed up in no time.  A little EMDR... A little Gestalt therapy... and the anxiety from the stalking will be a thing of the past. I'll be good as new.   I found that one of my previous doctors will help me with girly stuff.  My insurance situation is iffy and it is darn difficult to find one willing to take a patient without reliable access to health insurance.  This one will take my dough.  Things are looking up!  Hooray!!! Then my momentum died in the afternoon.  I learned that the divorce documents had an error, so we have our official divorce document signing party at 12:30 on Thursday. Everything was going my still way, though... until around 1:00.  I got an email from my ex with a horribly mixed mes

  Today I am thankful for the power of a song. I'm in tears again.  It is over a song that I have heard hundreds of times since the day I was born.  Maybe I've heard it a thousand times.  My auntie had a crush on Ringo.  I guess that is beside the point.  Well, maybe it is not.  I've heard this song a thousand times. I thought the song was about a simple crush.  I thought the song was about a simple touch.  At most, I thought it was about someone wanting to explore touching in very private ways that people do not generally discuss in public. My friend sent it to me the other day and I took for granted what it meant.  Then, I really listened to it.  I assumed all he wanted was physical touch.  He was sad that I missed the message.  Ah....I forgot that he is a romantic at heart.  I owe him an apology.  It's not about hand holding.  It is about defining another human being as your partner.  At least, this is how I take it.  I love

Today I am thankful that times moves on.   Sometimes it moves far too slowly.  Sometimes the delays kill me.  The divorce documents are signed.  I deliver them to the court on Wednesday.  I am happy about that! I just looked them over and am incredibly unhappy.  My ex wants the final decree entered on January 2, 2014 so that he saves a bundle on taxes.  He promised to share the refund with me.  I'll let him.  He gave me the house and an IRA in exchange for an alimony waiver.  That was incredibly generous. I guess this is the least that I can do.  I fear that saving my ex thousands of dollars will probably cost me the only thing I really truly want.  ***** As much as I think I should run away from my friend, my love for him always brings me back.  I don't like it when he hurts.  I hate thinking he's worried.  I hate thinking that he's feeling like I treat him as someone who is not equal to me.  I just hate the thought of him being alone a

Today I am thankful for the option of running away.   I have this incredible urge to run away from men in general.  It sounds bad but this is where I am at.  I don't fear intimacy so much as I fear being controlled. I want equality.  With my friend, it comes down to one line.  I'm going to paraphrase. I'm beginning to make him uncomfortable.   I guess he perceives me as NOT treating him as my equal.  I try.  I try to introduce him to movers and shakers.  I try to get him face time with people who he can influence.  I try to pay my own way.  My mentalism used to give him the creeps.  He finds comfort in it now.  This makes me sad.  I do agree that the energy is weird.  There is this push-pull dynamic that is hard to explain.     Maybe....just maybe....I need to let him go.  They say that this is an INFJ thing.  We are runners.  When people get too close, we tend to turn tail and run.  Maybe I should.  That thought is bringin

    Oh, my goodness....today I am thankful that I found my gender bent and that he's pretty cool!     Gender Bent (noun):  a term used the local teenagers use to describe a member of the opposite sex who is uncannily similar to you in lifestyle, taste, desire, goals, dress, mannerisms and so on.     *****     I freaked myself out a little bit on Friday.    I spent the entire day warding off advances from my ex.  I wanted to get work done.  I couldn't.    I just got ready to take my friend to a communication class where I was confronted by the stupid things I do to 'eff up my life.   I stayed 22 years with someone that hurts me and I stayed out of a sense of duty.  That wasn't very wise    I am in denial of feelings that I have.  That's incredibly dorky, too.     I hurt people because I don't tell them how I feel, especially when it is positive.  I just stoically go about doing things and trying to clean up the little

Today I am thankful for sticks and handkerchiefs.     I'm going to run away from home.  I mean it. I really, really do.  Okay, so the court agreement isn't going to happen in real life.  Nice.... The car I was promised is out.  Okay... In fact, he may wind up using mine in order to keep his job. Okay.... At least, as of today, I no longer feel guilty for being offered so much.  Just because the court order says I'll get something, does not mean it will happen in reality. This is of little consequence. My eye is on the prize of freedom. ***** Today I feel like I am living in the twilight zone.  I fell asleep in tears.  I'm in love but can't do anything about it.  The man I adore has scruples.  That means that we have to wait until this debacle is over. Part of me hopes he has a hottie on the side.  Sex is medicine for men.  They need it. I want him to live an awfully long time.  Sigh....as for me....he awakened someth

I don't know what to be thankful for.   I guess I can be thankful that I'm not greedy. The mediator took me aside and asked about the violence.  I couldn't take part in the mediation.  Nothing mattered.  If we come to an agreement in public, it falls apart in private.  Whatever he wants is fine by me.  The lawyer noticed and sent him from the room.  I told her what was going on.  I can't mediate.  I'll just do whatever my ex wants.  I can't talk to him without getting yelled at, so I just want to do whatever he wants.  She asked me to leave. She took him aside. When I came back, he had signed an agreement giving me the house and the IRA in exchange for my right to get alimony.  He also gets the tax credits.  Here is the deal.  I don't want the house and the IRA.  I feel quite guilty about it.  I really wanted to do this without talking about the stalking and the violence.  I think I guilt tripped  him into giving me things.  I don'

  Today I am thankful for the little typos that make me go crazy over certain men.   Okay, not men.  Right now, it is over a certain guy.  I'm going to try to keep this post going so I can keep track of all the little typos that make s me grin. See,,,I have typos too.  The typos make me grin because he is the one making them.  The singular subject "he" makes me grin. Here are two, as promised.  1.)  I type "Hmmmmmmmm", to indicate thinking.        He types "hum."       In my warped view, it feels like a command to play the skin flute.  You know, I wonder, if they make kazoo lollipops anymore?  That is what I want for Christmas (or even Halloween).  I want something sweet to hum into that will sing something back to me for my efforts.  2.)  When he is angry, frustrated, or upset he types "of coarse." rather than "of course".        I want to give him a back rub and soothe out all the pain. One

  Today I am thankful for pedestals and foundations.     I believe I am overwhelmed almost to the point of depression.      I'm trying to regain my lost business with little money.     I'm trying to find a paying job working for someone else for the first time in seventeen years.     I'm trying to clean a house and a yard that I may wind up owning.     I'm in love and feel guilty about it.     I'm sleeping three hours a night.      My skin looks like heck.   I can barely think.      Today, though, I realized that I am afraid of telling my friend what is going on.  The whole thing makes me feel defensive.      Partly because I don't know what is going on.  Partly because I have yet to yank control of my life completely away from my ex.     In the therapeutic world, we have a saying   "The person with the most flexibility controls the system."   Disordered people tend to be the