Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for ceremonial wine. Friday night, around 10:00, the day and hour of Venus was at hand.  I did my ritual.  I prayed.  I asked for beauty.  I asked to get over my fear of sharing said beauty with one that finds me beautiful.   I kneeled in front of the altar. In my mind's eye, I saw a beach.  It looked like a local lake by my friend's house.  Upon the water, I saw Aphrodite.  I saw Eros.  He's was pulling back the bow.  Ouch! I look in the lake.  I see my reflection.  Who in the world is that?  My hair...it's....it's....brown!!! I'm thinner.  I'm more toned.  My skin is flawless.  That's not me!!! Who is that?  I'm not alone.  Who is behind me? He's got the prettiest blue eyes.  I can see them reflected in the water.  In my vision, I literally feel a man pull back my hair and kiss my neck.  There is a pounding sense of desire emanating from my body.   I'm fe

Today I am thankful for Ex Men.     I give up.      Men are driving me crazy.     My crush doubly so.    If he wants to get laid, why is he bringing the matter up on Facebook using innuendo.    I'm a physical suggestible.  Innuendo won't work nearly as well and buying porn and telling me..... "I want to DO that to YOU!"    Sigh.....   I use innuendo to test the matter.  He ignores it.  He's not interested.    He wasn't interested in watching me suck a round headed lollipop.  He didn't want me mailing him a blue ribbon.   I figured it wasn't his type of thing.    Please don't complain publicly about the road being closed.  Call me.  Ask me.  Try to plant one on me.    There's always next weekend.  I don't have b-day plans.   My crush used a football metaphor.  So, the stalker ex spent the afternoon trying to explain football to me.  Look, he's always around.  I may as well

Today I think I am thankful for my ex's admissions of guilt. So, my ex wants to stay married.  The county court sent me a letter stating that if we don't come to an agreement by the end of September, they will throw out my divorce action and I will have to start over! Damn them.... What is the judge trying to do?  Get me killed???!!! I'll just mosey on over to Facebook and tell my Senator and Congressperson.  They know me.  They know about the stalking. They believe the liberal divorce laws, the police state, and battered women shelters will keep me safe.  My ass..... Let's see what they have to say about learning the truth!!! Can a judge do that?  What will the Mayor do when my friends point out that the police knew I was being stalked yet did NOTHING?  If I am murdered at this point in my life, it will be a major news story.  The Mayor and I used to argue at debates and in the papers.  It was funny the way the press pitted us against each

Today I am thankful for Asclepius.   I owe money to starving children in the major metro area due to his intervention.  My aunt had her third surgery in less than a week.  Everyone was freaking out.  They thought she was dying.  They called Siegfred as a last resort.  She couldn't move.  They said it would be a one hour surgery.  Six hours later, I get a call from another aunt freaking out.  One hour after I lit the candle, I received word that she was okay. ***** I had a cousin dying of cancer.  I did a ritual to the son of Apollo.  He was cured.  He had stage four cancer that spread to various organs in his body.  They removed several lymph nodes.  He was told that he three months to live.  He was thirty and had two daughters.  One was two at the time and the other was four. Now, he's healthy and he's wasting his precious gift of life by running for office....as a Demoncrat!  I still don't regret praying for him.    ***** Last nigh

Today I am thankful for my new diet.     My clothes are falling off of me.      My pants are sagging now.  My new rap star look is not intentional.      Sadly, I think I'm only a C cup now.      I'm losing weight!!!      Hooray!!!  How did I do it? Well.... I've made some changes in my diet.      I quit eating hot dogs, sausages and the like because they looked like things I missed.    In fact, I gave up most meat.  I stopped drinking milk for the same reason.  I always equated tofu (the noun) with TO FU (the verb), so I gave up that white, fluffy goodness a while back.      Now, I eschew soup and pineapple.     Do you want to know why?  You really don't.    It's pretty disgusting.    *****   Okay....here goes.  Don't say that I did not warn you!!!   My ex made a comment the other day about how my presence makes his pants "soupy."   Yeah....you read that right.    I m

Today I am thankful for the joy in my heart. I'm worried that this could soon become a curse. After spending Thursday evening with my friend, I have felt so much love.  I swear, my skin glows.  I feel beautiful.  I feel happy.  I was cleaning out my car and realized why I broke out in a cold sweat the day we were together.  I have hypoglycemia and can't eat or drink large amounts of sugar.  What I thought was a Diet Pepsi Max turned out to be a 20oz bottle of Regular Pepsi.  The bottles look the same to me!!! I drank 10 oz of corn syrup!!  No wonder I was sick! I still functioned and didn't go into sugar shock.  Or maybe nervousness and shakiness is my normal mode of behavior around my friend, so I didn't notice. That certainly explains a lot. Note to self: Never visit a vending machine without eyeglasses.  Got it!  ***** So....Steve has become the leading man in my dreams.  My last thought of the night is usually a prayer for his happiness.  My

Today I am thankful for sweat: I think it helps me detox from the negativity.       I couldn't sleep.  It was the full moon.  They say that people of Celtic descent cannot sleep during the full moon.    I certainly could not.    I tried to power nap.  It didn't work.   Exhausted, I drove an hour to the class remanded by the divorce court.  It was a class about setting boundaries with toxic people.    I guess I need that.   I left the class two hours early and wound up at a political event I promised to take Steve.  He couldn't make it.  I sat there for about an hour before they took a break.  At this point, I had a somewhat friendly chat with school district employees before deciding to leave.   The district security guard is really on guard after the Georgia school shootings yesterday.  I think it hits home to her how tough her job can be.  That must have shaken her on some level; she was very alert.   The teachers are gung ho to try o

Today I am thankful for recognizing the awkwardness of my marital status.     Conversation with another parent at the local school while picking up the kids: "How are you and Mike doing?"   "We're getting divorced.  It should be final next month."   "Oh" .  He pauses.  We talk for a little bit about the kids and life.  Then he looks into my eyes and asks  " Do you w ant to go get dinner sometime?" "I've met someone ."  He looks at me in stunned silence, like I'm a slut or something.  Okay, then....I'm going to tell everyone that I am married until I'm divorced.   What is going on?  I gave the ring back twelve years ago.  Why is it such a big issue now?  Maybe it is my body language?  The way I dress?  Or is it just the general glow that I have because I am incredibly happy?  I don't know.  I do feel different.  Conversation with salesman at the neighborhood liquor store: "Can

Today I am thankful for stability. Today I wanted to live like I took my power back.  We haven't come to a property settlement yet, so my ex still has control of all the money.  This is posing a problem but I can work around it.  I'll just sell more of my stuff to live.  I decided to look for a car today.  I found a couple of possible vehicles.  I'm staring at a mid nineties Honda Civic with 117K, a new tranny, timing belt, brakes and tires. It's ugly as sin but runs like a dream.  He doesn't want too much for it (less than the my remaining musical instruments are worth).  If the mechanic likes it, it's mine. If not....I'll keep looking. As of today, I'm going to do what I want and see how it pans out.  Ending this relationship has taken far too long.  I'm still unsure whether or not my ex will do something to stop the divorce.  I'm going to have to get my hands dirty to get him to leave me alone.  I need to do somethin

    Today I am thankful for doorknobs and gas fumes.     I had a bad day at mediation.  It was passive aggressive city.  My ex sat there crying and saying that he wanted me to have every little thing.  He wanted to argue about every little thing.  He said that I needed all the holidays because I'm the only one that celebrates them (NO!).     After about an hour, I told the lawyer to type everything up like most couples do it and we'll go over it next week.  We'll split custody.  She'll figure out the assets and one of us is going to move out!    I was tired of the game.  That plan sounds good to me.     I couldn't take it anymore.    I told him I want my car fixed or I would ask for the sportscar.   My old van has a massive gas leak which is worse when the weather hits 90 degrees.    I can't drive it without getting sick.   I start getting dizzy.    I get high.    I get physically sick.   Then I get dirty!!!   

    Today I am thankful that I realized what I feared more than death.   I used to make my living dealing with people who feared public speaking more than death.  I love public speaking.  It's fun.  That doesn't scare me.  I know what scares me.  Love... the real kind... the kind of love that stupidity doesn't kill.  The kind of love where talking fixes stupid ideas.  The kind of love where thoughts of someone you care for makes you try to drink water so you don't end up six feet under when you're dehydrated and spinning around because you're so sick that you think you are going to die.    Darn it...I had to get well to see him give a speech on Thursday night!  ***** I meditate to Isis and Osiris twice a week.  Once on Mondays and again on Fridays.    I always ask for the same thing.    I always get the same answer.    It started with a list.    A list of qualities that I wanted in a partner.    That was a

Today I am thankful for love, friendship, and the wish of sharing sensual pleasure.  Holy crap... I don't think my fever broke.   I still have vertigo.   I spent two or maybe three hours trying to talk to my ex about what he wanted.  That conversation is a road to nowhere.   He wants me back -but- he knows he will hurt me.  He says that I have to leave.  I'm not supposed to leave the house.  He won't leave until I make 40K a year.  That's a long shot.  I don't think it matters what a divorce decree says.  This is his territory.  I'm probably going to have to be the one to leave.  The reason I worry about that is that should the courts dissolve our marriage on September 17th and I move on to being with someone I adore,  I fear that the stalking will not stop if my ex doesn't think the relationship is over .   Worse, my ex crawled into bed with me when I was sick on Saturday morning.  I think the last time we share