Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for natural selection.   Yeah.... I'm disappointed.  You can be hotter than the sun, you can make me feel all sorts of heat but if you're not very smart, I can't touch you.  I just can't..... risk.. it... If I have an accident, I don't want to raise a kid that learns to walk into walls or play in traffic or votes Democrat or something.  I'm sad. I don't want to write too much about it.  One of the pre-requisites I have for mating is that my partner have the ability to think his way out of a box. I'm hoping he's just having a bad day.... scratch that... a bad week... or two. Sniff.... I guess I can tell you how to tell the wanna be's from the real performers.  The people who do what they say they do.... they have stories.  The wanna be's and the fakers... don't.  Sigh...... I hurt.  I realized today that I'd rather be married to a 500 pound st...

Today I am thankful for sleeping pills.  I know it sounds stupid -but- I'm a little ticked off. I'm in love with a guy named Steve who has more ethics in his little finger than I have anywhere. I'm trying to divorce a stranger named Mike. I'm dreaming of an ex named Thomas. They are not sex dreams, they are dreams that make me worry about him. I'm dreaming of some kind of diary or correspondence he's writing. I hate the Thomas getting hurt dreams the most. So, this time, I'm going to medicate them away. If Ol' Tom still remembers my nickname and stumbles on this stupid thing. Remember to pull the rip cord. Remember your inhaler. Remember to breathe. Remember to get snow tires on your car. Remember to stay away from the crazy ladies (like me).   I think that ought to cover it! You're supposed to live a long, long time.  You used to tell me that you saw us as old people.  Okay...I'm holding you to that. Love ya....

Today I am thankful for all the laughs I get from my dorky statist friends.  They tell me that in a perfect Libertarian world....we would live like Mad Max. I kid you not!!!  Isn't that flippin' funny?  I mean...I see a world where people could grow food in their front yard and not be arrested.  They see mass starvation.  I see a world where a woman escaping an abusive relationship could change her name, move without getting permission of her ex, live in secrecy, and babysit children without having to save up money for government mandated classes and fees.  They see poverty.  How do I get it through to them?  You can either get in the way.... or empower.  They see Thunderdome.  I see Freewill.  Oh...man... I don't know what to say.  So, when they pick on me for having a Libertarian love interest....what do I say? Yeah, yeah...this is me... And, I'm going to take my ideas from anothe...

Today I am thankful for experts.  I'm officially angry.  I've been talking to experts. I guess it is not uncommon for people who leave stalkerish men to return because of the stalking.  The only way to stop that is to get a restraining order.  Even the government has done research on stalking by former intimates.  This is really what we are.  If I haven't been banged in six years, I guess that makes Mike a former intimate.  Fifty percent of all stalking cases are former intimates.  So.... I guess that is what I need to do; get a restraining order/no contact order  against Mike and his sister.  I also need to change my name .  Damn....I did this once before when Mike convinced me that another ex was the one that cut my transmission hose.  You know, my transmission line has been cut a couple of times since.  Hmmmmm..... I have the most disgusting name on the planet but I'm used to it...

Today, I am thankful that I live in a haunted house.   I have EVP recording software.  Today, I have a recording from a spirit named Joe who was born in 1939.  Mike's uncle died in 2002.  His name was Joseph Jerome.  He was born in 1939.  He knew Mike and his mother were abusing me.  His last words to me were "I love you." Everyone called him Jerry.  Jerry was a blind child.  His parents abused him horribly but I adored this man.  Do you know why?  He was one hell of a mechanic.  He made money on the side and didn't let his disability get him down.  He adopted two boys with special needs.  They were not defined by their disabilities.  When they told me that I had fibromyalgia, Jerry told me that it didn't define me.  I stumbled on his grave site a few years ago.  A crazy thing happened that day.  I heard his voice tell me that he was with his sister at the hospital....

Today I am thankful for eureka moments. I have a friend trying to teach me non-violent communication.  I worship Ares.  It's not going very well.  I'm working on it.  Another friend, with the same name, uses it in his legal practice.  He's offering to solve my problem for me by sitting down with my stalkers to find out what need they have isn't being met. I don't care anymore.  I'm terrified.  I spent several hours on the phone with cops and victim advocates yesterday.    The first person told me to go out of town.  The second advocate told me to go to a shelter but when I told her this had been going on for a 21 years she had me call an expert.  The expert told me to stay here.  If I have found gps boxes on my vehicle in the past, there is a chance a new one is there.  Going out of town would put me and others in more danger as they would find me in an area I didn't know well. She also ...

  Today I am thankful for Facebook. Someone told me that Ms. Creepy stalker (aka Shannon D.) facebooked and tweeted that she is working out every evening at a fitness center in the shopping center where I buy groceries every evening.  The grocery store is a mile south of my home.   What's weird about that? Well... She lives in a town called Thornton which is 45 minutes north of my home.  She works in a town called Broomfield which is over an hour away, it is north-west of my home. She volunteers and attends a church in Golden which is nearly an hour away, again in a mountain town an hour north-west of my home.  I can't fathom why she is here every day.  These fitness centers are all over the metro area. They're like McDonalds. I don't understand why she had to choose that particular one to visit. Her relatives are telling me that the truck that sat in my driveway belongs to her boyfriend Doug.  I'm bein...

Today I am thankful for the random people we meet in public.   I spent the day waiting for my lawyer to return my call.  After spending some time on Facebook, I noticed that my adorable friend had posted something about wanting a woman to blow his mind.  That set my mind to wandering.  I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things.  They are remodeling one of the stores up the road, so I'm getting lots of stuff for next to nothing.  I snagged bags of almonds for $1.00 and bags of Hershey's candy bars for fifty cents.  I left for under $20.00 and had several bags of food.  The entire time I couldn't get blowing my friend's mind out of my mind no matter how hard I tried.  While I was perusing the clearance aisle, I witnessed an elderly woman walking up to a grocery clerk and hugging him.  He looked shocked.  The elder said   "I'm psychic and I can see goodn...

Today I am thankful that perfectly horrid days are few and far between.  I don't want to b!tch too much or else all the bad stuff will keep happening.   In a nutshell, my ex came home and announced that we were getting divorced because he can't protect me from his sister.   Then he tells me to screw my friend.   Then he tells me he wants me back.   Then I tell him I think he's my stalker and he runs off.   So... Shaken, I go upstairs to take a shower.  I have a little tiny vial of some kind of heavy duty acid.  I think it's TCA.  I don't know.  All I know is that I have to dilute it to a 10% solution or my skin falls off.  I'm trying to burn off my stretch marks and dry skin in preparation for spring.   I carefully take the top off the bottle and drop it before I get a chance to dilute it.  It falls all over the sink, the floor and some of it landed on the outside of my most sensitive...

Today I am thankful for fiends. ..oops, I mean friends.  I'm exhausted today.   I spent too many hours hugging my microphone.  I think I know what happened here, I replaced one Mike with another.   Bad joke.... I'm tired.   I had a three hour coffee break with a darling friend.  She told me how Steve had to walk nearly a mile to rescue me when I got lost on the train on my way to a demonstration.   She's like.....so you have a crush on Steve, don't ya?   He's kinda cute, huh?   Yeah.... He's a sweetie, too!   So...you're going to get that divorce.   Yeah.... the stalking is driving me nuts.   My friend gave me the secret to ending a six year celibacy streak.   Vodka or Pot (pot, only if your have less than an ounce and live in Colorado or Washington).   It won't be pot because I don't want to destroy my voice.   Okay....got it!!!   Let's see... Another fri...

Today I am thankful for agreements.  My ex agreed to divorce me. This is a decision born out of fear of his sister and her stalking.  She came to the house and tried to break in. I only learned it was her the other day. I had tweeted about going to First Friday to see a couple of my friends.  I didn't feel well, so I stayed home. It was during the time that I was supposed to be gone that she tried to get in the house with a key. This stalking business has left me in poverty.  I fear working because she tracks me down and harasses my colleagues. I fear she will kill me.  She owns a gun. He fears that if she kills me, he's going to go to jail. We realize that I truly need a new last name. There are still a couple of points up in the air. I don't know what to do about the house. I fear living here. He wants the kids to stay here so they can get scholarships for school but he can't care for them. I'm praying for a job and an answe...

<div style="text-align: left;"> </div> Today I am thankful for the lil' thrift shop in my home town.     Anyone who knows me well, knows that I've basically been on my own since I was fourteen.    After my parents died, I was sent off to live with a rich uncle.....who was never home.  He never gave me money or an allowance.  I worked for whatever I had.    I also made friends with the women who ran the local thrift shop.  That helped me have nice clothes that got me through high school.    Now when I have NICE stuff, it goes to them.  They give a lot of stuff to battered women.  The money goes to the shelter.    Many of the local consignment shops give their high end merchandise to them.  I go and get new stuff for next to nothing.  I swear, I have more shoes than Imelda Marcos.  If I don't ever get around to wearing them before I move, they'll go ba...

  Today I am thankful for phallic symbols and sexual anthropology.......and men.   Men understand what I am going through better than the women.  I guess they are usually the ones shut out in sexless relationships.  At least someone understands.    In my guilt, I realized that I was doing the same thing to someone else that I loved.  I was rejecting him out of some stupid sense of fidelity and honor  even though there is probably no reason to behave like that given the crap my ex says.   The truth is that I am not there for him.  So, I decided to go to the market to get gifts for Aphrodite and Eros. I asked them to find my friend a new love because...he needs it and I don't like it when the politicians talk about me hanging out with men that aren't married to me. I bought them decadent chocolate cupcakes.  They're on my altar.  I'm too lovesick to even want to eat any of the others.  I g...

Today I am thankful for third party observations. So, I realized today that what I have been witnessing is dysfunctional family theater.  I'm tired.  I ended up calling my relatives and telling them about the stalking, the shit at the office, the crazy red extended cab pickup that came to the house with the blond that tried to use a key to open our front door, the bloody underwear.... I bored them with every flippin' detail.  And, they agreed that I needed to do what I needed to do before I ended up deceased.   So we have a plan now.  But, I have to share one comment made by my dear auntie.  She said "You don't have a stalker, you have a cockroach!"     She told me to carry around a bottle of Raid.      Sigh,     I love her!    Love ya, too!     S.    

Today I am thankful that I caught on to the never-ending excuses.  Now.... I'm being told that after the bankruptcy completes on March 15th, I have to wait to file for a divorce because he's going to get a government backed home improvement loan so that he can fix up the house. Uh...NO!!! First, I'm a Libertarian.  The taxpayers should not be responsible for paying the interest on my gutter repair project. Secondly.... I've waited over six years to get away.... No more delays... No more crap.... I'm tired. I spent my sexual peak being celibate. I lost out! I don't want to be here anymore. And, now, I'm beginning to think that my staying is hurting someone else. I think I've fallen in love with another man after being alone for years. I won't hurt him. This guy is a lot like me...it's actually kind of cute. Other people notice me hanging out with him and they've made comments about it. They think he...

Today I am thankful that 364 days of the year are NOT Valentine's day.   I hate Valentine's Day.... I hate it... I hate it... It has ruined every flippin' relationship that I've ever had.  Let's take a looksie, shall we?  February 14, 1984 My step-father beat the shit out of my mother.  He held her head over a gas burner.  He demanded that she take drugs with alcohol.  She went to the hospital and was put on life support.  She died on her 36th birthday (two days later).  This is probably the real reason that I detest Valentine's Day.  He felt so guilty about it that he committed suicide two years later.  This is why my ex's threat to kill himself upsets me so.  I know what suicide does to kids.  My ex is pretty flippin' manipulative to pull the suicide card, eh? Anyway...we should probably continue... February 14, 1987 Thomas (oops, we're using pseudonyms now) Timothy and I were at ...

    Today I am thankful for my priest.   I am pagan.  As a general rule, we don't tend to gravitate towards social labels and norms.  We tend to have a religious structure; there are high priests and priestesses.  We have covens (pagan prayer groups).  Our lives are fairly ritualistic.  We tend to see material things and social status as things that we get in exchange of energy.  The same rule applies to love, we get what we tend to put our energy towards.    Some of us tend to put more faith in religion than social customs.  I'd rather see a priest than a doctor or a shrink.  When a mutual friend confronted me about being in public with my friend, he warned me to seek help for my confusion before I hurt someone.   It was obvious to him that I was in love.  So.... I went to my priest.  And I told him my story.  Every Friday, I light a candle to Ap...

Today I am thankful for Anger. I am livid.  Long story short, I went to a political meeting and everyone wanted to know what my last name was.  They saw my friend's declaration of love.   They wanted the sordid details.  They wanted to know if my divorce was finally final.  Mums the word.  I'm not happy...but my anger isn't with my friend.  It is with Mike.  After coming home, I asked him when we could file for that legal separation.  I want a firm date.  I want to know what he wants.  I had a lawyer offer to do everything for next to nothing if I could strike an agreement with Mike. He said that if I wanted to try to form a relationship with my friend, he'd sign the papers.  He just doesn't know how to "separate" if I return to work and can't help with the kids.  The original plan was that he would have custody, the house and I would pay child support.  Then, he took a job with i...

  Three Rules of Life...1: Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. 2: Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. 3: Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition - they somehow already know what you truly want to become.   - Steve Jobs   Today I am thankful for blogs.  This is weird... but something told me to go back and re-read my friend's blog.  Originally, I wanted to do that to buy something from a fundraiser on it just to be supportive. I saw a little link at the bottom of the page and clicked it.  It turns out that he has a website on the topic of ethics.  It sounds exactly what I used to write about in my professional blogs.  We both write about the ethics of life: he on a macro level; I on a micro level.  He focuses the ethics of instituti...

Today I am thankful for girlfriends.     They don't miss a thing.      They tell me I'm lucky to attract the nice guys.      I'm lucky because my crush was mutual.     I guess they're right.  It's obvious that I don't want to get hurt.  It's obvious that I don't want to hurt anyone.  In my fear of hurting someone, I disrespected him and ended up hurting him.  I owe someone an apology.    I'm sorry.    I'm trying to be a prude brat when deep down inside, it is not who I am.    I'll fix it.      Love ya,   S.  

Today I am thankful for songs in that I don't have to do a hell of a lot of 'xplaining when I'm upset and shaking . My friend wants to sing Billy Squier. Mentally, I'm singing Taylor Dane (albeit off key). - Now....he thinks he's being rejected, so he's becoming mean and hypercritical.  I can't get past the rants he sent to me. I think I'm afraid of entering into another abusive relationship, so I'm on the verge of running away. The last thing I need is another angry man in my life.  I'd rather be alone. And for my friend... on this night....I envision this...   This is the second time he picked on me for not jumping all over him.  He's been making a lot of assumptions and I'm unhappy with that. If he continues to behave out of hurt, hurt that is probably born from something that happened in the past and has absolutely nothing to do with me, I'll sing him a Michael Jackson song with a double meaning. ...