Warped Gratitude Blog

Oh, this is a new song from Danny Elfman.  I think I've unintentionally turned a bunch of teenagers into his fans.   Gotta share... So much happened today.   It's not anything I feel comfortable sharing.  So, I'll just happily report that I'm sleeping.   I am thankful that the dreams have changed.  The dreams look a lot like the Helix Nebula with a set of blue eyes in it.  No face....I can live with that.  Lots of people have blue eyes. It could be anyone.  It's peaceful.  Let's hope the peace continues.  **** After all that soul searching, I have decided to let go of one thing per week that keeps me unavailable.  Yep -  The nightmares have now caused me to lose 15 pounds without trying.  The problem with losing weight to damn quickly is that one needs to get toned. I'd like to lose another twenty pounds so I can get rid of my entire wardrobe and start anew.  What I need to do is carve out time to dust and use my home gym.   I'll begin to let go of the s

  Today I am thankful for lucid dreaming.  I still dreamt of my former friend last night.   I was walking on a street in my hometown, past the acoustic guitar shop with the rude owner and across the street from the gun shop.  He was in the dream walking towards me.   I remember thinking "we're living in Covid land and have to stay six feet apart. Woo Hoo!"  There was no eye-contact.  I remember wearing hideous pink tennis shoes and blue jeans.  In the dream, I just stared at my shoes as I walked past.  Then I awoke.  The candles were burned out.  So, I got out of bed and relit them - wishing for someone else's happiness.  I fell asleep.  I dreamt of the Goddess Lakshmi putting a garland of flowers around my neck.  Maybe I passed the test?  There was a message in the dreams  I'm a Lirio de Los Valles (Lilly of the valley).  This is a flower that blooms best in the darkness.  Could be why I spend so much time with people down on their luck.  ***** You know, to be co

10:30am  Today I am thankful for vertigo and inspiration.  This morning, I awoke with vertigo. I tend to get vertigo when I'm fighting two conflicting thoughts within myself. The first time I had that experience was August 19, 2008.  I was physically embraced as I stood near the train tracks in my hometown by a spirit from the distant past who smelled like valerian.  He said I "was still pretty."  At that moment, I felt love and energy emanate from him.  The conflict went round and round in my brain. I still love him.  This is wrong.  I still care.  This is wrong.  Wow...I'm not a cold prude.  Oh, hell NO. This IS wrong.  Love doesn't die even when it's wrong.  Oh, shit!  At least he's still alive and his leg isn't broken. This isn't what I signed up for. It is wrong!  It went over and over in my mind until I made myself dizzy and could barely stand. Thank goodness someone was holding me up.  I don't know how I made it home.   I popped some val

  Today I am thankful for the ability to laugh at myself.  I woke up....famished....and ran downstairs to open the refrigerator.  It was full.  Since I gave the kids credit cards, they keep it pretty well stocked.  They're health food addicts, too.  Lots of veggies and fruit,  sprouted bread,  Ghee,  yogurt,  various types of cheese,  imagine it and it is probably there.  Despite the variety, .nothing looked like it would be worth the effort to put into my mouth.  Then, my subconscious mind came up with this zinger -  I'm starving and despite the abundance in front of me, there is nothing I want to touch. This is the story of my life.  ***** Yes, I've given thought to why I am terrified to date.  I think it boils down to just one thing -  It took me YEARS to extricate myself from the mess that was my last marriage.  I knew his family since I was fourteen years old.  How in the hell did I miss the toxic, stalking, narcissistic tendencies that ran in that enmeshed family?  It

Today I am thankful that I had the ability to keep my mouth shut when I wanted to educate a guru on reality.  Honestly, I am very proud of myself.  I should save my hypnotic rants for people who can stop their bullshit.  I had a spiritual advisor share that he believes that humanity is supposed to let go of attachments due to Covid19.  We need to learn to let go of control over our lives,  relationships,  jobs,  businesses,  money,  homes,  food, and every other worldly commodity.  I have a problem with this incorrect line of reasoning.  Why make a stupid government decision a spiritual debate?  We are spirits having a material and human experience.  Why else would we be here in bodies?  It is NOT Covid19 which is mandating that we let go of everything important to us.  Divinity didn't do this either.  The control freaks running our government did this for a cold that has a .004% death rate.   IT is the GOVERNMENT (most notably DEMOCRATS) who are exaggerating Covid19 and mandating

  Today I am thankful for realizations.  I read through this boring blog and found more than one thousand dreams of someone from my past*.  Not all of the entries were published due to the disturbing nature of those dreams.  My brain is broken. My heart doubly so.  There has to be a lesson.  If I can find that lesson, the dreams will stop.   They have to stop.  Today I am trying to clean out my walk-in closet.  I'd take a picture but I'm embarrassed by the mess.  I have a flute, a tenor sax, a C-melody sax that sounds nasally, 2 clarinets, two bass guitars, an amp, an acoustic guitar, a music stand and so many clothes that I can't fathom how I bought all of them.  I have boxes upon boxes of high heeled shoes.  There are numerous porcelain dolls, candles, beads, Christmas decorations, body oils, potions, herbs.... Some of the furniture is ratty and has to go, too.  There is too much stuff!   What I need to do is pay someone to take it all.  My thought process is that the cra

  Today I am thankful for rediscovering myself.  Maybe that is the purpose of the dreams?  I'll figure it out.  So, not eating after 9:00pm helped for about four days.  I bought a huge bag of Halloween candy for work as I took a couple of days off and wanted to make sure the women were stocked up.  There are zero men in my workplace.  It's an all female facility.  Women NEED chocolate.  Being dumb, I took one tiny Rolo from the bag and ate it. That was idiotic.    **** I staved off sleep until 5:00am.  I had nowhere to go, was stuck at home due to the snow so I slept in.  It wasn't so bad, this time - just weird.  It was November 3, 2020 - election day.  I was visiting a tall faceless man in either a hotel or apartment.  We were on our best behavior as he had a   toddler with him.  The child  and I were playing.  He was trying to talk me into voting.  "I do not trust that Colorado mail ballots are counted," I say as I tell him if I bother to vote, I'll go to t

Today I am thankful for a good scare.  (Must be close to Samhain.)   I talked to an astrologer/tarot reader to try to find a good reason to laugh at the dreams.  Don't do that.   It backfired.  Apparently, if two individuals south nodes are conjuct (sounds like an eye disease, doesn't it?),  they are allegedly twin flames.  All throughout both charts, it read like that.  If that stuff is true,  that poor soul.... just.....  that poor soul.  Imagine dealing with me for an eternity???!!!  Maybe I've always celebrated the wrong day for his birthday and he's kindly suffered through it?  I could see that.   Yeah, that's possibly it.   If I forgot his birthday then this entire escapade is wrong.   Even if I have the day right -  there is NO way this stuff is real.  *** I wanted a Ph.D. in philosophy.  I love ancient Greek civilization so much that it's become my religion.  I find myself talking about Plato's ideas on morality with patients quite often.  That twin

  Today I am incredibly hopeful about a way to stop the nightmares once and for all!!  Yep -  Those dreams freaked me out so much.... that it was causing me to think about the wrong things far too much.   There had to be a reason my subconscious mind took me there.  I'll start with the thought process and then the piece of advice I got.  This morning, my first thought was that I was having nightmares because my energy is all over the place.  Seriously, I think my spirit animal must be a squirrel.  Don't believe me?  Watch me at a music shop -or- in the university library -or at an art supply store.  There is so much do to - so much to learn - so much to draw and play.  I am ALL over the place.  For the first six hours of the day, I was convinced that my energy is in so many different places, I could never be in a relationship.  Then -  I started to have the opposite train of thought.  I had the epiphany that maybe the problem I and many others have in relationships are the expe

If I could sing, this is the song I'd serenade to the Space Bass....with a couple of edits to the lyrics. .  Today I am thankful for laughing at myself.  Woohoo!  I had no dreams of creepy stuff, or men or anything like that.  Countdown clock: 29  What did I do differently?  Well, I went to sleep shortly after 7:00 a.m. and spent the entire night listening to vintage R&B and funk.  Bootsy Collins and his psychedelic pedals,  Rick James and his jams,  George Clinton, Funkadelic,  Parliament, Rufus and Chaka Khan,  The Gap Band,  Sly and the Family Stone,  So much funk, so little time.  I awoke at 11:00 a.m. to the sounds of someone throwing dishes in the kitchen.  Uh oh.... What did I do?  I snuck the cat a treat.  The adult kiddo living here gets pissed off when I do that.  What can I say?   That cat is fierce!  As mean as she is, she'll give me those sad kitten eyes and I have no choice.  She's a hypno-cat!  I betcha she watches all those Milton Erickson videos when I

  Today I am thankful for Fireball, Benadryl and a delta hypnotic state.  I have finally found the combination of sleep substances to help me stave off the dreams for about five hours.  Drinking a couple shots of whiskey and taking two Benadryl seems to help.   As a child, my mother would give me Vodka and Tab to help me sleep.  Remember Tab?  I guess it was discontinued recently as per CNN.  https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/coca-cola-s-tab-soda-has-been-discontinued-its-retirement-ncna1243950 Sometimes I still find it.  I don't drink soda anymore because it makes me sick.  Sadly, there are times when I drink alcohol.  It is typically reserved for religious rites.   When I drink for pleasure, my go to is the hard stuff - rum, whiskey, ginger-flavored vodka.  I'm not really a wine, champagne or beer type of gal.  That is what makes alcohol dangerous for me.  I only have alcohol in the house for religious purposes: The Fireball is for Ares.  The wine is for Dionysus and the

  Today I am thankful for prayer.  The 10 hour candles are burning out in two hours.   Makes me wonder if my former friend is okay?  I'll go to the store and grab more.   Should I put some fast luck oil in them?   What do guys tend to freak out about?   Money?  Not enough success?  opportunities?  Worried about failure?  Yeah, I don't want to think about anything else going on with him.  Fast Luck oil works for sex and love, too. That's none of my business.  Maybe I'll go through the family potion recipes and see if I can find a blessing oil or a miracle one or something.  I feel a little silly about this but I don't know why the dreams are coming to me. This guy can't stand me. Maybe I'm the one person in the universe who owes him the most?  I mean when I was a dumb orphaned teenager and my family were dying off like flies, I seriously considered joining them.  He force me to get help.  I owe him.  **** Still - the last time I had nightmares of him, he brok