Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for identifying facial expressions of psychopaths: It will help me avoid hanging out with them in the future. Check out frame 4:48.  This is the look in Steve's profile picture. My therapist buddies on Facebook told me that he looked insane and pleaded with me to dump him.  None of them were able to identify why.  They just said things like "he looks crazy", "he looks insane", "he's not very nice", "he's rude", and "don't settle." Everything was vague.  I hate vague. Steve's criticisms of me were often vague.  This video describes the conversations we would have every each break-up.  We broke up every three weeks. It is weird but I have read stories about people who dated sociopaths that would play games and break up with you every three weeks only to come back and plead to return to the relationship. They like to play games with people to dominate them or study their reac

Today I am thankful that three of my four exes are Scorpios. So....I received a bizarre text message while I was at work.  It read: "[My current name], a former fling wants to reconnect with you on Rekindle.  Download the app and discover who...." First, three of my four exes have my current cell phone number.   The guy who tried to kill me has his wife call me at home in those rare moments he needs something (like tax records).  I haven't heard from her in years.  The last time I spoke to her she wanted to know about domestic violence shelters.  I pray for her a lot.  Secondly, three of my four exes actually know how I spell my name.   Steve does not know that I changed my name in 1992 after the stalking began.  He's the only one who spells it the new way. Finally, three of my four exes are friends on my social networking accounts.  I had to block Steve when he became obnoxious.  I do have coffee or tea with most of them.  I was with Thomas

Today I am thankful for age tests. At work today, a much younger guy asked me for my phone number.  So...I recited 8...6...7...(long dramatic pause) 5...3...0.... This was when the older people in the room started laughing.  I was busted.  Love ya, S.  Edit - you know....I have recently read that a guy was arrested for owning porn featuring a woman getting it on with a guy in a tiger costume. I immediately went to the web. I asked if it was okay for a guy to have sex with a cougar. I was told...no...only a Puma can have sex with a cougar. I'm not a cat person. So.....either I'm dating older guys... Or I'm getting Botox and lying about my age!!! I'm thinking about doing the former.  It would take a heck of a lot of Botox to make me seem younger than I am.  Besides, I like bald guys.  I find that most of the hotties are older than I.  Sigh..... One of my mentors is giving a class on how to train your wife to be a hypno

Today I am thankful that my depression and anxiety has lifted. I had a vitamin deficiency.  I started to take inositol, 730 mg, three times a day.  After a week, my depression and anxiety is gone.  I am me again.  I also stopped the birth control pills.  I think the pills messed with my sex drive.  I think the hormones from my sad nightmare have died down.   I am still in shock from that.  I'm glad Steve never knew.  I can never tell him; he thinks I have a lot of fuck buddies so he wouldn't believe he had anything to do with it anyway.  It'll be my secret.   At least someone can be spared the pain.  After two weeks, I almost feel like myself again.  I still cry myself to sleep but at least I can function now.  I wake up to cry at 5:00 a.m. every morning.  I cry because I am alone.  I do not see that changing anytime in the near future. I need to find away to wiggle out of my ex-husband's control.  If I cannot do that, I'm going to have to accept

Today I am thankful for being a witch at Samhain. I am working on letting one of my demons loose. I lit sandalwood incense. I let it go.  You know something.... I don't feel any different. Maybe I'm so used to the darkness that I can't feel the light anymore.  ***** I am having bizarre dreams about being shot by my stalker again.  I wonder why?  I wish I could conjure something that would get my former sister-in-law, Shannon,  arrested.  I wish I could put an end to this entire nightmare.  ***** Did I ever tell you who my favorite comic book hero is?  It is NOT the scarlet witch.  No....she's a tad bit insane.  Isn't that surprising?  Most people think she's my favorite.  That's probably because of my dark auburn hair. My favorite comic book persona is The Punisher.  In my fantasy world, I have an assortment of fancy cars, bombs, knives, glocks, uzis and a twisted way of thinking that results in dead c

Today I am thankful for those moments of clarity one experiences away from chaos.   I finally realized the identity of the dork muffin who is attacking me online.  He is one of Steve's Facebook friends.  I heard that Steve had been posting out right lies about me.  I saw that he claimed I abused him.   I saw that he claimed I called him names.  My friends told me other things; I allegedly badmouthed Steve's mother.  I am James Holmes.  I am lying about being stalked.  They tell me that he wrote a lot of other garbage. Most of what my friends said mirrored those emails Steve sent to me where he claimed I was married and had numerous fuck buddies on the side, that I'm lying about the stalking......gosh....what else? There is so much.  I stopped reading at the 27th email I received after I left him.  Each one contained a new allegation.  I NEVER want to see him again.  I LOVE him but I DO NOT want to deal with him again.  He is abusive. After we sta

Today I am thankful for covert hypnosis. Today I had a little bit o'drama. I was at, of all places, the dollar store.  I wanted fake Woolite for my Aphrodite costume.  I found it in red.  It is hot.   Maybe I'll upload a photo for you....if I can figure out how to do that on this broke ol' computer. I'm using Explorer.  For some reason, I cannot upload pictures using Explorer.  It's weird... Then I realize that I want a mop, floor cleaner, cheap coffee, finger nail polish, pepperoni, wrapping paper and some diet pills that will probably make me chunk out.  I get in line with my arms loaded full of stuff.  There is a German guy fussing about returning a 50 cent greeting card.  If I had a place to put my stuff, I would have given him 54 cents (the cost of the item plus tax). I didn't.  The store does not accept returns.  They'll allow you to do exchanges but absolutely no returns.  I waited.  I waited. They

  Today I am thankful for the insight of other people who have been stalked.   I am talking about the stalking situation with another INTP.  He's hot.  He's sweet.  He's uber smart.  He's talented.  He's married.... He was a professional actor. He gave up his career.  I am wondering if it is due to the stalking he's endured.  No, I didn't ask.   We do have one thing in common, we do a lot of studio vocal recording.   He has me researching the issue.  He has me looking into therapy options.   He is giving me advice. He told me how to brace the front door so Shannon can't break in.  I'm happy he has met me online.  I've been looking over some resources that have been shared between us and other stalking victims.  I am seeing things that remind me of Steve.  Steve is NOT my stalker. I'm not sure who my stalker is.  I KNOW who I see trying to break into the house and follow me around.  It is typically my sister-in-law,

Today I am thankful for my ex-husband's help. He is watching the children so I can do my temporary job.  The pay off is that if I can make $32,500 per year, he's off of the hook for alimony. In return for his help, he is getting all of the tax breaks.  It was hard to write 0 deductions on that w-4 form.  Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little. I'm thankful none-the-less.  This is my one shot of getting away.  ***** The one thing I wish for is a partner to share my bed with.  I have no one.  I haven't had anyone in years.  He started sleeping apart from me in 2001!  It feels like a lifetime ago. I still wake up in the middle of the night in tears. My Christian friends applaud the fact that I am still kind to Mike. It hurts so much to keep putting my needs on hold. I'm still doubtful that I will be able to get away until the youngest is out of the house.  I'm working on it.  I find myself praying for Michael's heal

Today I am thankful for allergy meds: I take them to help me sleep.   I need to find a way to stop dreaming.  I've never wrote this before but I've had these dreams for the past two weeks. They are of a little girl.  I'd peg her age at about three. She has curly golden brown hair and big blue eyes. Her name is Joy. We pick flowers in the sun.  We play with puppies.  We sing.  We dance.  We paint. Last Sunday, I dreamt of her being violently pulled away from me.  She's sobbing and reaching out to grab my shoulders.  An unknown figure has grabbed her and walking away.  I'm chasing after them yet I cannot keep up because I am in too much pain to run as fast as I normally can.  Last night, in my dreams she's standing by my feet in a white robe hugging my legs.  The figure is watching me from a distance.  It feels hostile.  I can't see it's face because it won't stop staring at the floor.   I sense regret.   I still don't trust

Today I am thankful for Michael's admission. I have been angry.  I have been sick.  I'm still having trouble holding down food.  I'm told that this will pass in the coming days.  I want to understand why I'm going through this now.  I want  to understand why I'm stuck in the situation I find myself in.  I've been reading about relationship abuse.  The books I've read are helping me define the types of abuse that I've endured (both types were different) and how to overcome it.  I confronted Michael.  I told him that he needs to control me.  He'll tell me that I can do anything that I want and then set out to sabotage me.  If his underhanded sabotage tricks do not work,  his sister winds up stalking me. He admitted to this.  Case closed:  Michael is the stalker.  Part of what was driving me nuts was not knowing who was doing what and why.  It was a game of information keep-away.  I'd be followed by a tall guy and

Today I am thankful for quotes: They are helping me get a clearer vision of what was going on. All of these quotes come from the same book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men “ Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror. ” —    Lundy Bancroft ,   Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men WHICH ABUSERS ARE MOST LIKELY TO CHANGE? "His close friends and relatives recognize that he is abusive and tell him that he needs to deal with it. They support the abused woman instead of supporting him. I have a much more difficult time with the abuser whose friends and family back up his excuses and encourage his disrespect for the woman." …. "His partner gets the most unreserved, unequivocal support from her friends and relatives, her religious community, and from the leg