Warped Gratitude Blog

  Today I am thankful that it is Friday. Friday is the Day of Venus, the day I celebrate Isis and Osiris.  The beautiful yet loyal goddess and her husband who hated violence.  Isis is the Egyptian form of Aphrodite.  I will ask what they were thinking when they brought Steve into my life.  What in the world?  Can he find the one he is meant for?  He obviously does NOT want me: He keeps trying to change me. I will offer fish.   I will light my musk incense and wonder what in the world I am supposed to do now.  I'll let you know.  I'm tired of crying.  Love ya, S.   Next Morning Edit:   I had a dream of Isis watching us from above.  In this dream, I am walking along with Steve.  I'm holding his hand.  He lets go and runs ahead.  I run ahead to catch up to him and hold his hand.  He lets go again.  A beautiful woman who is 35 years old, petite, with dark w...

Today I am thankful for my 4:00 a.m. meditations. For the past few months, I've been falling asleep around midnight and awakening around 4:00 a.m. for a vision quest.  I will hallucinate talking to djinn of all things but will wind up with information that I can use in my daily life.  The problem though is that it interferes with my sleep so much that I am not getting enough REM.  I wind up napping about an hour every morning.  I started doing this on those nights I visited Steve.  The Djinn that would visit me at his house called himself Aronde.  Those were fun dreams.  He told me never to leave this guy because he loved me and even a djinn couldn't find another person who fit me so well.  This was funny.  In the days that followed, I would learn that Steve lied to me.  That all of our early contacts were liquor laden.  He has mother problems that he projects on to me.   All his exes were cra...

  Today I am thankful that I figured out the root cause of my depression: It is learned helplessness.   I am normally a joyful person.  I typically love sex with one guy who will let me take the time to figure out what makes him jump out of his skin.  I love to try new things.  I am not squeamish.  I typically love art.  I typically love walking around town meeting new people.  I rarely go anywhere without making new friends.  I usually smile so much that glycolic acid does not get rid of my laugh lines.  I am generally a happy person.  The past two years have been hard.  It was two years ago that I learned my ex-husband had gutted $69,000 (70%) of our retirement accounts.  He was my stalker.  His sister was stalking me, too.   We were bankrupt and that all of this happened because it was his idea of forcing me to stay married to him.  The past two months I...

  Today I am thankful for my realization that it is time to shut down my heart.     I'm sorry.  I do not exist to have the projections of insecure men thrown in my face.  The right man would know that shaming me won't get me horny.    Seriously.....I can't cope with long, obnoxious emails from men who have read three books on psychology and claim to know more than someone with a graduate degree is psychology. Okay...it's only one man.  I still can't deal with it.   Nope.    It gets old.    I do so tire of the emails from my shrink friends who see what he posts to my Facebook wall.  I don't like their judgments.  They warn me to be careful.  I don't know.    Alrighty then....   I'm getting irritated. I eat and drink too much when I'm irritated. When I'm chunky, I don't swivel those hips as much as I like.  Besides....   A...

  Today I am thankful to delve into my fears.   The other day Steve had some parting words for me.  I am supposed to do that which scares me the most.  Well....I like to play on the dark side.  I am very religious.  I am Pagan.  What do I fear the most?  Well....okay.....I fear invoking Lilith, the goddess of darkness and the mother of the djinn and the incubi.  She was said to be Adam's first wife who left the Garden of Eden because he only liked sex one way.  Adam was allegedly a missionary man. The last time I invoked her, I didn't kneel correctly.  I literally felt a force push me down onto one knee.  Aphrodite, Ares, Dionysus, and Fama like you to worship them while standing with your head bowed. I usually kneel before Isis and Osiris.  I petitioned them yesterday asking that they send Steve to his true love.  He sent me a dirty email that made me breathless.  I got so di...

Today I am thankful that I recognized red flags before I got hit over the head with them. Steve called me last night.  At first, he claimed that his therapist put the idea in his head that I had no self-respect.  I reminded him that I am a trained therapist.  I don't see clients anymore due to the stalking but one thing is certain, good therapists do not make claims or diagnoses about people they have never met.   Even IF she said it, he didn't have to waste my time by acting as it were true.  He was upset that I didn't believe him.  I don't.  That's honest.  Unless...he called me a liar.  There were times when he claimed I lied to him about the finalization of the divorce.  After he'd go nuts, then he'd claim he forgot.  A therapist may say something like...." well, a sign of low self-respect and respect for others is lying."  Then, too, I didn't lie.  He was too excited to...

Today I am thankful for laughter.   I know I shouldn't laugh. I do.  I am 44.5 years old.  I've been on this damn earth too long.  I get hit on by men in their early thirties because I do not look my age.  Why?  My theory is that when I was younger, I was on a low calorie diet.  It is said that people who eat less than 1,000 calories a day do not age.  Why was I on a low calorie diet? When I was sixteen years old, I modeled.  I hated it.  The other day, I got an email from a man trying to woo me back after sending me a series of obnoxious, abusive emails.  The line was....the last two women he dated looked like models!  Oh, I'm sorry.  It is very hard for me NOT to get snarky. Did they have short hair? I know how much he liked to play with my red curls.  As a model, I was asked to keep my hair short because it made it easier for my employer to put wigs on me to give me the l...

Today I am thankful for the truth.   I don't know the truth.  I want the truth.  I lack the ability to sift through emotional and environmental stimuli to find the kernel and unifying truth in my own situations.  I can do that with other people.  I'm not good at doing it for myself.  I think the kernel of truth in my life is that my ex-husband is still in need of control over me.  I just endured a one hour rage storm.  I don't know why.  I was asking my ex-husband to help me define an exit plan and wound up getting raged at.  Shockingly, it reduced me to tears because most of it revolved around Steve.  Usually I sit through it.  This time, though, I broke down.  I would hear things like "He doesn't love you."  "He's trying to hurt you."  "He wants to control you."   "Go to him, if you want." " Leave the house and the kids with me and go to him." It's too late....

Today I am thankful that I am a geezette. The stuff in this song used to apply to me.  When I was younger, I hated going out in public because I was always hit on.  I quit wearing make-up and nothing changed.  It didn't matter what I did, some creepy dude would always ask me out. That changed when I hit about 30.  I realized that if I put on 15 pounds men stopped smacking my ass.  My life improved immeasurably at that point. Now, I'm old and can run around in public without being whistled at.  I guess I can finally drop that final twenty pounds.  Even old and fat, I still get the occasional free drink though.   I don't know why.  Love ya, S.

Today I am thankful for a new strategy for changing my life: I am going to put my blinders on. I had a girlfriend point out what romance was.  She said that it wasn't chocolate and flowers.  She said that romance was the little things like being considerate, making food the other person likes, giving him the last cookie, telling him that you care, listening to him talk about his day, giving your energy in order to make his life easier.  Holy shit!  I'm doing that stuff for the wrong man!  I thought I was being a good roommate...but no!  I'm romancing the guy I'm trying to get rid of!!!  I wasn't doing it for the guy who needed it! I get it!!!  I get it now!!!  I know why I am stressed out and feeling scattered!  I'm doing too much!!!  I'm taking care of two men but not getting my needs met in the process.  I still cry myself to sleep at night.  I still sleep alone....

Today I am thankful for straight jackets.   My (ex?) boyfriend, Steve, wants us to make a commitment to each other. I guess that means he needs a longer hug.  The only commitment I understand is one that involves being registered as a patient in a mental hospital. Heaven help us.  I do have major concerns about this.  First, the rants and emotional obnoxiousness got worse when we became an item.  A commitment?  That could make it worse.  Unless, the rants came about because it has been three years and I haven't given him a commitment.  I don't know.  He's been itching to seal the deal since 2013.  I love him.  I don't know why thinking you've lost your best friend always makes men want to formalize the arrangement.  Do they pick fights so they can spring those kind of ideas on us? On one hand, it does seem like a genius way to force the issue at home.  If I make a public commitment to my fr...

Today I am thankful that I am getting a sense of what is really going on.  I am  nearly ready to throw away my identity.   I hate my life.  Steve was the first new love interest in 25 years.  Every other man interested in me was an ex.  Now, Steve is an ex.  He's trying to woo me back my pretending that we didn't break up.  He is writing me really romantic emails trying to explain everything away as two people who do not understand their relationship.  Okay....I miss him blind.  I can't handle narcissistic, vindictive bullshit.  I need to understand that first. Now,  I have Mike.  He's my ex-husband who is portraying our sexless marriage and divorce as a way to make me happy by sending me away with another guy.   He says our never ending celibacy streak was a mistake.  He says our divorce is a mistake. He says he gets "hard" every time he looks at me. So, this is why he gave me a...

Today I am thankful that I am finally able to define my fear. I fear getting stuck in another abusive relationship.  That's it.  I fear getting sucked into a relationship with a controlling guy who has anger issues that he wants to resolve by playing games with me.  This is why I fear talking to Steve.  He wants to call.  I fear hearing his voice.  I've spent two weeks getting over him, drinking lemon balm tea, rubbing my face with eggs to contain the negative energy, lighting little red candles asking him to find the woman meant for him.  All I want is for him to be happy.  If I hear his voice before I can reason about this, all my hard work getting over him will be for naught.  I need to harden my heart first.  I need to know what the he's thinking, why he acts out in the manner he does, what he fears, whether or not he can listen to me without shushing me.  Only when I know where I stand with him and w...

  Today I thankful that I woke up.   Steve texted me while I was doing my Valentine's Day ritual to ask for permission to call me.  My stalker ex-husband sent me a Valentine promising me that I will never be alone so long as he lived and breathed. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  I'm going to cry now. I'd better clean up the house just in case another of my ex-men try to contact me. If anything fun or funky happens, I'll record it.  Maybe I'll have something more fun to write about soon.  Love ya, S. Edit later that night: Friday is my ritual night for Isis, Osiris, Aphrodite, Dionysus, and Eros. Today is Valentine's Day, so I had to focus on communing with Aphrodite and Eros. I did one of my rituals and had visions I'd rather not discuss.  I don't see how that is remotely possible.  Why would the Goddess put two people through hell to bring them back together? I don't think so. It ...

    Today I am thankful because I'm beginning to shed the relationshit weight. I had two too many men in my life two weeks ago.  And then suddenly there were none!  Life is good! I hate how we turn into our childhood issues when we begin to experience true intimacy.  I always attract projecting men with controlling mamas.   They tend to be hyper-alert.  They tend to read into everything and worry too much.  They tend to project stuff: Everything they are doing to you, they claim you've done to them.  Which should make me happy that the last guy didn't claim I gave him anal without lube. Sigh..... That very situation is why I wear 5" heels. Actually, I didn't wear those around him because he was fun size.  He was 5' 6" and half penis.  Let me tell you, that guessing the size thing by starting at shoes....well, that's a myth! It was weird towering over him in my heels.  I opt...