Warped Gratitude Blog

  Today I am thankful that I can hide in a hell hole.     I don't know where to begin.      I'm almost to the point of asking for psych drugs so I don't feel so horrid anymore.      The therapists think it is a good idea to let my ex stay in this house through the holidays.      I can't see my friend when he is here.    So, I'm going to try to break off my new relationship.  I tried setting boundaries but it became a nightmare.  I'm going to try to stop crying so that I can actually return telephone calls without sounding like an emotional mess.   I do not know how to explain what is going on.    I'll try....     Whenever I go to leave the house, my ex makes snide remarks about my 'getting lucky' and being with someone new.  It's annoying.      It hurts, especially when it is followed by him claiming that he'll never date again.    I feel guilty and dirty.    He does this in front

Today I am thankful for the gift of another person's projection.   Yeah.... My ex claimed that my best friend is controlling.  Then he said that it could be projection.  I went running off to a shrink.  Yeah....they both are acting a little bizarrish.  One...well, could be acting out due to sexual tension.  The other....well....it is projection.  ***** I figured out why my ex won't move out.  I figured out why the assets aren't being split or why the divorce agreement doesn't count.  He's still got control.  Oh....that's easy to remedy.  Wow....   *****   I spent the day with minimal male contract.      I am so proud of myself.      I didn't call my friend when I found snowshoes and related equipment for $10.00 a set on closeout.      Nope....     I didn't say a peep.      I am so flippin' proud of myself!!!      I felt happy.      I had time to reflect on my life between

    Today I am thankful for realizing that my romance is probably over.   My friend is hurt. He doesn't know why.  In recent days, he's made fun of my religion.  He claims he isn't.  He's telling me that I hate sex.  I don't hate sex.  There are few opportunities for us to hook up.  When it comes to my home, I need to get my ex out of my house before bringing it into my home turf. Guess who agreed to move out this evening?  Yeah..... I can't help but feel that this is too little too late. I've lost my best friend, though.  He'll realize that I'm not the one for him soon enough.  How do I know he's gone? He walks ahead of me at a brisk pace like he can't get away from me fast enough. He's always looking at me in disbelief.  He has a mocking laugh, like he can't believe the things I tell him.  He takes a lot of the things I say out of context and reads them as insults when they are not. I'm n

Today I am thankful for my recent lessons about love. The past three weeks have been a wild ride between my friend and I.  I have to say that I have learned a lot.  Here are a few examples of what I have learned within the past month.  1.)   It's a myth that it takes three weeks to learn a habit.   Habits can become instantaneous quite quickly. The 'I love you' daily habit started without warning.  The feeling of being on fire near a love was the result of one trial learning as well.  This all came about fairly quick.   One experience of being set aflame is all it takes for those nerves to gain that memory.  Now, I can't sit near him without squirming.  2.)   A relationship can come about prior to its being defined.   Whenever two people spend time together, they are in some kind of relationship.  We were in a relationship even if we were in denial about it.  It was only defined because it felt like a relation

Today I am thankful for sage sticks.     My ex was at the house all week.      I don't think he showered at all.      The entire house smells like a dirty old man.      My bedroom doesn't.  It smells like rum and roses.      The rest of the house, though, smells like a man who doesn't use toilet paper.      *****     He was supposed to move out on Monday.      The only boxes that have been packed are the ones that I packed for him.      The closer that Friday came, the more distraught I became.      By Friday evening, I was distraught.      By Saturday, I didn't care anymore.      *****   We cannot communicate.      That may be my fault.      I'll ask him what he wants.      Never, ever ask your ex what he wants.      Sex.....when he loses 200 pounds.....someday.....far away....and he wants to stay until he decides to go on a diet.      Uh......I've put up

Today I am thankful for the truth but not thankful for fake friendships. Ugh.... My Scorpio buddy, the cross dressing one, usually gets a birthday gift the first week of November.   He's five years my junior.  We could never be a couple because I'm too old for him.  We've discussed this.  He wants a younger lady.  I've known him for seven years.  He chases off men who come on too strong.  We have the same last name, so people think we are related.  He's my friend.  He's an over-protective friend but he is my friend.  Well....he was my friend.  This year he wanted homemade peanut butter cookies.  I promised to send them earlier this year.  Then, I changed my relationship status.  He's angry.  He's upset.  He doesn't want me to fuss over him anymore because there is a new man in my life.  I am so floored!  I am so sad.  I am numb.  Since when does my having a love interest negate my friendships.  It must

Today I am thankful that I lost my voice.     I can't yell at dork muffins because I lost my voice.      I lost my voice on Sunday.      I was in a parking lot.      I found myself screaming at a man who was screaming at me.      Why?      Well.....       I was planning a tiny birthday party for the girls to throw for their father.      He's complaining about being alone.      They always threw birthday parties for him that I planned.      I took him out get a sense of what he wanted for his birthday.  He is a virtual stranger to me.      I had no clue what he wants or needs.      I took him to a shopping center a few blocks from where my love and I work and I turned him lose.      While shopping, he's chatting.....     He lets it slip that he had no intention of ever moving out of the house....     he has no intention of divorcing me....     it has to happen....     b

Today I am thankful for miracles. I was sad all day.  I honestly thought that my ex would never move out.  I honestly was beginning to believe that I would never get to the point of actually kissing my dear friend due to residual energy of my ex on my clothes. My clothes are in this house. My ex is in this house. Everything in this house smells like my ex.  My clothes smell like my ex.  I cannot kiss anybody when I smell my ex.  That smell has been associated with years and years of celibacy.  I was sad about it.  If I cannot kiss, I cannot continue my relationship with my friend.  I can't seduce him into trying things that would spice life up a bit.  I was depressed.  I was soooo depressed that I actually ate a frozen Twinkie.   I hate snack cakes.  They look like little phallic symbols with cream filling.  I froze it so I couldn't bite into it.  I wanted to take my sweet time eating the caloric monster.  I sucked on it. Every suck mad

  Today I am thankful for the realization that my nightmares pale in comparison to my day-mares. Yeah.... My ex is 'liking' every freakin' post that I make on Facebook.  He is even following my comments on groups that I am a part of.  I'm not posting anymore.  My friends are noticing and asking if I'm okay.  I'm not.  I'm wondering what would happen if I should start posting memes showing my appreciation for someone's beautiful gun.  Would he like that, too?  YIKES!!!  I really want to run off and hide.  I tried going incognito and changing my hair but it didn't work.  I'm running off to the mountains, where there are no internet connections, no 3G services, and no crazy boring guys to drive me insane.  Love ya, S. Edit: I am realizing that these men are not boring.  I am.  I'm going to try to find my groove.  See ya later!

Today I am thankful for singing. Yeah.... I put away the guitar.  I gave up listenin' to rock n' roll.  No more singing.... Birthday Cake -or- Bad Girls -or- Bang a Gong. I'm running around singing mantras.  Yep...   Ong Namo Guro Dev Namo   My translations for that is 'higher self tell me what in the heck I'm supposed to do before I go nuts!"   *****     I'm in love with my best friend of three years.    I'm too scared to screw him because I'm afraid that I'm going to like it, get used to it, and he'll want to marry me and never touch me again.    Yes, this has happened before.    This guy.....ooh....   He's so clean I can eat off of him.    He won't let me.  It's not a bad thing.  Maybe it has to do with ethics.....a rusty technique....or maybe we are incompatible and I just haven't figured it out yet.    Holy crap.....what is a horny girl to do?    I kn

Today I am thankful that I fell in love with a genius. Yep... He wants to make our relationship official over the Internet.  I wasn't sure how to take it at all.  Everyone I know seems to know that we're seeing each other.  In fact, it was my friends who pushed me to file or a divorce because there are nicer men out there who adore me.  Read.... nicer men = one man who seems to go crazy and nitpick all of our mutual friends to death when I do not notice his sexual tension.  When my friend left me, my friends told me that he'd come back.  He did.  Everyone knows.  It's been nearly three years.  Everyone....knows! So, it is not a big secret.  *****   My friend has been trying to seal the deal since January.      Every time he talks about defining relationships or making it official, I panic and grab my keys.  He gives me this shocked but pitiful look and drops the subject.    If he sets up expensive camping trips where we share th

Today I am thankful that I am tactfully honest. Sadly, my ex is not honest nor is he tactful.  There is a little tiny mini-tantrum going on in the basement.  Right now... I'm afraid. I'll type this out just in case something happens.  If I prepare nothing will happen.  So, I'll prepare.  I asked my ex to schedule a final hearing at his convenience.  I just need him to understand that if he drags out our divorce to get himself a larger income tax refund, he's going to be legally married to me with the understanding that I want to be with another man.  He was not happy with me at all!  He said that he expected this conversation on Saturday.  I did not believe that the conversation was necessary until today.  Today my ex made it known that he took the whole divorce as a joke.  He didn't think it would possibly go through.  Well....it did.  The paperwork is filed and ready to go.  We can do it now.  We can do it after the first of the y